2023

Strangely enough, when Chen Yue hugged her tightly again, Chi Xiaoman caught the unfamiliar scent of Chen Yue’s body wash and was suddenly reminded of their first embrace last year, just before they left Beijing for Guizhou.

Back then, too.

She had knocked on Chen Yue’s door as usual, only to be pulled into a sudden hug the moment Chen Yue opened it.

In that embrace, Chen Yue was much the same as she was now. She wrapped Chi Xiaoman in her soft arms very tightly and rested her face lightly against Chi Xiaoman’s shoulder, as if the world were a terrible place and hugging was the only way to ease the pain.

But Chi Xiaoman had done badly in that hug. She had been stiff, awkward, and confused; inevitably defensive and resistant, and probably hadn’t comforted Chen Yue much at all.

So she suddenly longed to go back to that not-quite-intimate hug and hoped she could respond faster this time, hold Chen Yue more intimately, and make up for how she had done it then.

“What are you thinking about?” Chen Yue suddenly patted her head, interrupting her confession in a gentle way.

“Nothing.” Chi Xiaoman shook her head and lifted her chin a tiny bit, rubbing her face against Chen Yue’s shoulder. “Chen Tong-jiejie, shouldn’t you be going to the hospital?”

Chen Yue paused. “Yes.”

She touched her hair. “Actually, I’d originally wanted to deal with this before going to find you.”

“Hm?” Chi Xiaoman didn’t understand right away.

She tilted her face and pressed it against Chen Yue’s soft, delicate cheek. Skin against skin. That kind of contact always made her feel strange; maybe it was still a little unfamiliar, making her heart race, but it also made her feel safe.

Chen Yue leaned her cheek against hers as well. “I just didn’t expect you’d come over first.”

Her voice was soft and light. “And I didn’t expect it would be today.”

“Sorry, Xiaoman.”

She really did sound sorry. She patted Chi Xiaoman’s back. “I should’ve planned those two things better.”

And then Chi Xiaoman understood—

Chen Yue was probably blaming herself again, blaming herself for arranging for them to be together and for her mother to be hospitalized at the same time. So Chen Yue felt that she couldn’t fully accompany her through their first day together, and couldn’t fully accompany her mother through an operation.

“Chen Tong-jiejie.” Chi Xiaoman shook her head and told her, “Don’t think like that.”

Chen Yue said nothing.

“Because I’m really happy.”

Chi Xiaoman spoke softly. “Because you gave me the chance to fight for something too.”

That was the truth. As for how others might see it, she didn’t know. But today, when Shen Baozhi told her that she should also fight for herself, her first reaction had been confusion, then fear. Because she realized she no longer had anything she especially wanted to fight for, and it had been so long since she’d felt this way that she’d spent the past few years muddling through life rather badly.

“Actually, I haven’t done something like this in a very long time.” Even just mentioning the road she had taken to come see Chen Yue, Chi Xiaoman could feel her heart gradually speeding up, as if a little bird inside it had come back to life.

“I almost forgot what it felt like. But now I realize this feeling is actually really good.”

It just might not have been a normal feeling. She felt pleased by it, but also a little shy because it had been exposed.

“I like the feeling of liking you, and I also like the feeling of really trying to come see you when I think of coming to see you.”

“Maybe it sounds weird to say that.”

“But I think I kind of like myself a little when I do this.”

After a long while, Chi Xiaoman breathed out softly, trying to suppress the pounding in her chest. But she still couldn’t quite breathe evenly; that gave rise to the absurd feeling that being close to Chen Yue felt comfortable.

So when she saw the small mole behind Chen Yue’s ear again, she couldn’t hold back. Very carefully, very awkwardly, she pressed a kiss to Chen Yue’s face with her lips.

“So thank you.”

Maybe because she was too flustered.

The kiss slipped off course by accident.

So she only brushed Chen Yue’s chin lightly.

But even that brief contact still made Chi Xiaoman dizzy. She couldn’t calm down; when her heart beat, it was as if a wind-up doll that could never stop spinning was hidden inside it. She had no choice but to close her eyes and, like some small animal, tried hard to smell Chen Yue’s scent to comfort herself.

Then Chen Yue pulled her closer and, in a low voice, called her “Xiaoman.”

She grew even clumsier, but also braver, rubbing her face against Chen Yue’s. “Chen Tong-jiejie, thank you.”

She let out a breath and said especially seriously,

“Thank you for giving me the chance to like myself again.”

-

Tonight’s parting ended in an embrace.

However reluctant she was, Chi Xiaoman could hardly ask Chen Yue to stay any longer.

She understood that Chen Yue was right; perhaps she didn’t need to shoulder responsibility for Chen Yue’s mother.

But in a certain sense.

She also couldn’t, in the identity of a lover, strip Chen Yue of the chance to fulfill her own responsibilities.

This was Chi Xiaoman’s third relationship. Unlike that green first love in her twenties, which had happened in summer.

A romance in your thirties had to face more things; perhaps family, perhaps career, perhaps other kinds of responsibility.

But Chi Xiaoman still longed to be a good lover.

She wanted to give Chen Yue more space, tolerance, and support.

After showering and changing into comfortable clothes, Chen Yue had to leave and go to the hospital.

Chi Xiaoman stood by the entryway to see her off, checking whether she was dressed warmly enough, asking whether her phone was fully charged, and also asking what she would do about breakfast tomorrow morning...

Then Chen Yue lifted her face and looked at her steadily.

“What is it?” Chi Xiaoman grew a little nervous and stepped forward. “Did you forget something?”

“No.” Chen Yue suddenly smiled.

Chi Xiaoman was a little confused.

Considering the nighttime breeze, Chen Yue had changed into a dark green sweater. It wasn’t thick, but the material was fluffy, the collar resting softly against her neck. Under the light, she looked warm, and her face seemed especially gentle.

“Why have you been looking at me like that?” Chi Xiaoman lowered her face a little, embarrassed. Even though she was also feeling a little down about Chen Yue standing there by the door, about to disappear from this space, she still sensibly suggested, “Don’t waste time.”

“Mm, I’m leaving.” Chen Yue said that.

She was probably really preparing to go, because after she finished speaking she turned around.

But after turning, she seemed to remember something and called out, “Xiaoman?”

“Mm?” Chi Xiaoman looked at her.

Chen Yue turned back again. “Can I kiss you?”

Her voice was very soft, gentler than usual.

Chi Xiaoman froze.

Chen Yue smiled at her then, the smile at the corner of her eyes flowing into Chi Xiaoman’s gaze like water.

Chen Yue didn’t press her.

But she also didn’t leave.

She seemed to be waiting patiently for Chi Xiaoman’s answer.

Only then did Chi Xiaoman react. She lowered her face and looked at the shadows their bodies cast on the floor, overlapping together; her ears turned red. After a long while, she gathered her courage and said,

“Yes.”

As soon as she finished speaking.

Chi Xiaoman hesitated and stepped forward, wanting to take the initiative.

But Chen Yue smiled. She seemed to find Chi Xiaoman’s nervousness amusing, yet there was no irritation in her at all because of that awkwardness. In fact, she was generous about it.

She came over on her own.

Using both hands, she held Chi Xiaoman’s face and looked at her carefully under the light.

She didn’t kiss her right away.

Chi Xiaoman’s face was cradled in the woman’s palms. With nowhere to hide, she had no choice but to meet the woman’s affectionate gaze.

She felt her face growing hotter and hotter, her heartbeat faster and faster, until she even had the thought of asking, Why aren’t you kissing me yet?

But Chen Yue was still looking at her.

One second.

Two seconds.

Three seconds.

...Chi Xiaoman opened her lips with some difficulty.

And at that moment—

Chen Yue suddenly smiled.

Then she came over with that same tenderness and placed a very light kiss at the corner of her mouth.

Once.

Soft.

Gentle.

Cool.

But very quick.

Like a little butterfly that landed lightly and then flew away just as fast.

Chi Xiaoman hadn’t even had time to close her eyes.

It was already over.

At that moment, she blinked blankly, looking at the woman’s eyes close at hand in the lamplight, and the gaze within them falling into her own.

Chen Yue met her eyes, smiled, and patted her head. “You should sleep well tonight too.”

Then she let go of the hands holding her face.

Chi Xiaoman let out a breath and felt as though she could finally breathe again. She also felt that the kiss just now didn’t quite count as a kiss. She hurriedly glanced at Chen Yue’s seemingly soft lips.

But then she felt shy.

So she could only rub her numb face and say in a voice as thin as a bee’s,

“Mm, you too. Sleep well.”

-

After showering and lying down on the soft bed in Chen Yue’s bedroom, Chi Xiaoman felt that what she’d said wasn’t quite right again—because it was obvious that Chen Yue probably wouldn’t be able to sleep well tonight.

Then she rubbed her face again.

Weird.

It seemed that ever since that kiss-that-wasn’t-quite-a-kiss.

Her face had been numb the whole time.

How could she be so embarrassing?

Chi Xiaoman dazedly patted her own face, and when she realized her face was still hot, she sighed.

Her phone had been charging for a while now. She picked it up and saw there were many messages in WeChat.

Shen Baozhi told her that she was very happy for her and also told her not to worry; she would handle things on the Hong Kong side.

Aunt Fang told her that she and Fang A-Yun had met too late, and therefore decided to let Fang A-Yun stay the night today.

Fang A-Yun told her that she had been made to stay the night by Aunt Fang, and although she wasn’t quite used to it, they had had a great time watching evening soaps together after dinner.

...

Ten minutes ago, Chen Yue had asked her: [Xiaoman, are you asleep?]

It was easy to imagine her tone. When she called her “Xiaoman,” her voice would be warm and soft, the ending blurred, every word spoken clearly, with a smile like spring breeze hidden in it...

Probably not unlike her “Can I kiss you?”

Chi Xiaoman covered her face.

She typed back:

[Not yet.]

The message had barely gone through.

The phone vibrated wildly in her palm.

It buzzed so much that her hand went a little numb.

In a rush, she saw that it was a voice call from Chen Yue.

Chi Xiaoman let out a breath, pressed accept, and then subconsciously held her breath.

“Xiaoman, it’s me.” Mixed with the bustle of the hospital in the background, Chen Yue’s voice still sounded gentle.

“Mm.” Chi Xiaoman tightened her grip on the blanket. “I know.”

“Good.” Chen Yue fell quiet.

“How are things over there?” Chi Xiaoman asked first.

“Mm, I sent my cousin back, but she’s asleep; it doesn’t seem like anything’s wrong, so I wanted to come out and call you.” Chen Yue said, “Because I wanted to hear your voice.”

Chi Xiaoman stiffened. To be honest, she still wasn’t very used to such straightforward emotional expressions. Like a dream from long ago, suddenly she and Chen Yue were again in a relationship where they could tell each other they missed one another. But she wanted to get used to it, so she also said “mm” and softly replied, “Me too.”

Chen Yue laughed.

In the call, her laughter floated softly like a cloud slipping into Chi Xiaoman’s eardrum.

For some reason, Chi Xiaoman felt itchy. She didn’t know how other thirty-year-olds dated, but she was actually too embarrassed, so she could only cover her burning face again.

As if by some kind of intuition,

Chen Yue suddenly said, “Actually, I wanted to kiss you just now.”

The fingers covering Chi Xiaoman’s face curled slightly. “No, didn’t you, did you kiss me?”

“I did.” Chen Yue spoke softly. After a pause, her voice lowered. “But not that kind of kiss.”

Chi Xiaoman’s eyes widened.

Chen Yue laughed. She probably knew perfectly well how panicked Chi Xiaoman would be, so there was even more tenderness in her laughter.

“But I thought you might not be used to it.”

“And I also thought, if I kissed you, I’d want to keep kissing you, so I didn’t.”

It felt like going back to that summer when their first kiss happened. They faced each other, legs touching legs, eyes meeting eyes with youthful awkwardness; they hugged for a long time and kissed for a long time.

Chi Xiaoman let out a very nervous breath.

After a long time, she tightened her grip on the phone and tried to respond, “I’m not not used to it.”

Chen Yue kept laughing. “Okay.”

Chi Xiaoman blushed even harder at her laughter. She shrank down into the blanket, as if she wanted to spin thread from her body like some small insect and wrap herself up entirely.

“Xiaoman.” After laughing for a while, Chen Yue suddenly called her.

“Mm?” Chi Xiaoman pulled her shoulders in tight and tried to answer.

“Then if I kiss you tomorrow, will you be uncomfortable?” Chen Yue asked.

Her tone sounded like an ordinary question, but also not quite ordinary; it had the feel of a coaxing seduction.

Chi Xiaoman froze.

To be honest, Chen Yue was really direct, but that directness still contained the right measure of restraint and respect; she didn’t recklessly push forward just because they were officially together. That gave Chi Xiaoman no reason to resist, and she didn’t want to resist either.

“Mm...”

So Chi Xiaoman shrank her neck in again, touched her face, and said,

“I won’t.”

Chen Yue smiled. “Good.”

Maybe because she was afraid Chi Xiaoman would feel pressured, she tactfully didn’t mention it again, and instead shifted to a lighter topic. “Xiaoman, are you going to sleep now?”

“No.” Chi Xiaoman immediately said, “I’m not that sleepy.”

“Good.” Chen Yue said.

She didn’t say anything more.

Chi Xiaoman gripped her phone tightly, listening to the muffled sound of Chen Yue’s breathing amid the background noise.

She couldn’t think of anything to talk about.

But she also didn’t want to hang up.

The two of them quietly listened to each other’s breathing, and for a long time neither asked anything.

Their breaths blended through the signal, like a not-quite-standard kind of eye contact.

After a while.

Chi Xiaoman felt that if this went on, tonight might never end, so she took the initiative to ask, “Are we hanging up?”

“Are you going to rest?” Chen Yue didn’t answer.

“Not really.” Chi Xiaoman still gave the same answer.

Chen Yue laughed a little.

Chi Xiaoman pressed her lips together.

A little blankly, she opened them and tried to find a topic.

But Chen Yue asked first, “Then are you used to living alone? Does the unfamiliar environment feel uncomfortable?”

“It’s okay.” Chi Xiaoman answered.

Strangely enough, she had clearly been very sleepy in the car just now, almost unable to keep her eyes open. But at this moment, she really didn’t want to end the call. After hearing the question, she also had the energy to study the whole bedroom environment—

Like the rest of the house, the bedroom decor looked warm too: cream-colored walls, a hanging chandelier, a soft white headboard, a warm yellow bedside lamp on the nightstand...

“There’s nothing I’m not used to.” Chi Xiaoman said. “And it doesn’t feel uncomfortable either.”

“That’s good.” Chen Yue sounded relieved.

“But it feels a little strange.” Perhaps because Chen Yue’s attitude tonight had been so accepting, Chi Xiaoman couldn’t help asking.

“What feels strange?” Chen Yue was probably calling her from the corridor now; her voice was very low and indistinct, muted by the hospital corridor’s noise.

“It’s just..."

After thinking for a while, Chi Xiaoman still spoke honestly.

“I think you should be living more and longer in Hong Kong, but your place there isn’t decorated at all, and you didn’t buy much furniture; there isn’t even much fresh food in the fridge...”

When she mentioned the fridge, Chen Yue smiled, though not very obviously.

Chi Xiaoman knew she might also be showing how much she cared about the fridge, because after Chen Yue left just now, she had specifically gone to open it and look, comparing it again with the Hong Kong apartment.

Thinking of how odd her behavior might seem,

she pressed her lips together. “But since you don’t live here often, you’ve actually put so much more effort into setting this place up. Why is that?”

If it were someone else, they might just take this as some tiny detail not worth noticing. But Chi Xiaoman couldn’t help caring. After years apart, of course she hoped Chen Yue could live a full life and not get by carelessly just because she lived alone.

But Chen Yue’s behavior had been telling her otherwise all along. So when she came here and kept comparing things, the whole matter only felt stranger and stranger.

“This apartment was bought.” After a long while, Chen Yue gave her the answer over the phone. “The one in Hong Kong is rented.”

A perfectly reasonable answer.

Chi Xiaoman suddenly understood, but still felt something wasn’t quite right. “Why didn’t you buy a place in Hong Kong?”

“Too expensive; not really worth it.” Chen Yue said it rather tactfully.

So that was the reason. Chi Xiaoman nodded, wanting to show she accepted that.

But at that moment, Chen Yue added in a light voice over the phone, “Besides, you don’t really like Hong Kong either.”

Chi Xiaoman froze.

She was sitting in the warm living space Chen Yue had personally arranged, holding a phone connected to Chen Yue through a signal of electric waves, and she felt as if she didn’t quite understand the connection between these two things.

“What do you mean?” she couldn’t help asking.

There was silence on the other end for a long moment. Chen Yue’s breathing was slow and soft. First she called her “Xiaoman” in a low voice amid the noisy corridor.

Then she paused.

Probably considering whether to say it or not.

But in the end, perhaps sensing her silence, she still spoke slowly,

“In May 2018, you were on a travel variety show. Before filming started, you did an interview, and there was a question in it—”

“Whether you preferred big cities or small cities.”

It was as if she were simply stating a memory. “You thought about it for a long time. The on-screen captions said you thought for about four or five minutes before you answered seriously—”

“Compared with big cities like Beijing and Hong Kong, you hoped that after you retired, you could live in a small city. It didn’t need to be too developed; life could be a little slower. Even if deliveries took several days to arrive, it would still be okay, but you hoped summer in that city could last longer.”

“The PD asked how long summer had to be to count as long. You smiled at the camera and said that if possible, you hoped it could always be summer. The PD asked why you liked summer so much.”

“You paused for about four or five seconds over that question, so the video put a question mark on the screen. When you were blanking out, the corners of your mouth were still carrying a very pretty, very cute smile; its curve was perfectly standard, and in the end your eyes curved too as you said softly that you didn’t really like snow.”

By this point.

Perhaps because she had recalled Chi Xiaoman’s tone so precisely, Chen Yue stopped.

Listening to her breathing over the phone, Chi Xiaoman suddenly didn’t know what reaction she should give.

Compared with the naturalness Chen Yue showed while telling this story, Chi Xiaoman felt more lost, sad, and forlorn. In fact, she barely remembered that interview herself; if Chen Yue hadn’t brought it up tonight, she wouldn’t have remembered saying she hoped summer would be long. But Chen Yue remembered for her.

And on top of remembering it, Chen Yue had watched it.

She gripped the phone, her breathing carried through the signal very, very lightly. “Was it just because of that?”

“Actually, not really.” Chen Yue denied it, her pace very slow. “At that time, I also didn’t think that one day you’d come stay there.”

As if recalling what she had been thinking then, she lowered her voice.

“Only that day, I had just fought with my mom. I took a taxi and originally wanted to fly to Hong Kong. I was also very unhappy and felt that I might not come back here for a very long time.”

“But on the way, I saw your interview, and I told the driver to turn toward the residential complex she thought was most suitable for living. We went to several neighborhoods that day and really spent the whole afternoon looking at them, as if we were buying a place.”

“By the time we got here, I saw there were seesaws and swings in the complex, and pet waste bins for cats and dogs. I thought this might be a very suitable place to live, and I also remembered that summer here really is very long, so somehow I just bought an apartment here.”

Chen Yue paused there, then gave a very soft laugh into the phone.

“Chi Xiaoman, am I really strange?”

“No.” Chi Xiaoman answered instinctively, then realized she sounded a little stiff and added right away, “Not strange.”

Holding her breath, she tried hard to respond. “I just didn’t expect it.”

And a little hesitantly, her voice softened much more. “That it would be because of me.”

Chen Yue smiled. “Actually, it was because of myself.”

Chi Xiaoman didn’t quite understand. After their reunion, most of the time they had been paying attention to the changes in Chi Xiaoman, the things that had happened to Chi Xiaoman. It was Chen Yue asking and Chi Xiaoman answering. There had been few chances for Chi Xiaoman to ask and for Chen Yue to talk about herself first.

But Chen Yue gave no stinginess or avoidance tonight. She had always been good at reflecting on herself.

So perhaps during the time she spent alone in the hospital.

She had still been chewing over the problems in their past relationship and had resolved to correct them.

“Why do you say that?” Chi Xiaoman had turned into Chen Yue’s exclusive interviewer, desperate to learn about Chen Yue’s past.

Chen Yue was silent for a moment on the other end. It seemed she was deciding how to speak so that Chi Xiaoman wouldn’t feel burdened or shocked, and only then did she smile and continue,

“There was a play where I acted a scene of the character growing old.”

“Although those shots ended up not being included, so you probably never saw them.”

Her voice sounded a little blurred through the signal. “But for the few days we filmed that scene, after I finished the old-age makeup and looked at myself in the mirror, I felt that face was very strange, and I couldn’t help wondering what you’d look like when you got old.”

“After I finished filming that scene, I came back here and stayed in this neighborhood for several days. I thought I was just too immersed in the role. But one day, I saw an old couple walking their dogs together in the neighborhood.”

As if she had tugged her thoughts back to that time, Chen Yue’s tone softened. “I suddenly had a weird thought—”

“Maybe when I’m old one day, I’ll also get your number from someone we both know, and I’ll have the chance to call you, pretending we’re old friends who haven’t seen each other in a long time, and ask you very casually—Chi Xiaoman, where do you plan to live after you retire?”

“You might say you don’t know.” That was how she described Chi Xiaoman’s attitude then.

So no matter how much astonishment, surprise, or loneliness there was, Chi Xiaoman still couldn’t help her eyes curving.

She thought Chen Yue had pictured her old age too clearly. If she never got back in touch with Chen Yue, she’d probably grow old in such a muddle, becoming an old woman who didn’t even know where she’d live after retirement.

“Then I’d tell you—”

Probably because she heard her laughing.

Chen Yue also laughed, her laughter flowing through Chi Xiaoman’s ears like a spring breeze.

“Chi Xiaoman, I know a neighborhood that’s very suitable.”

“The summers there are very long, it basically never snows, and it’s very friendly to elderly people. Do you want to come after you retire?”

Chi Xiaoman tightened her fingers, as if she had really gone through time and space to her sixties or seventies in the future.

And Chen Yue would stand in front of her, perhaps with white hair and fine lines on her face, but still beautiful and gentle, still speaking softly as always, and then say to her,

“If you don’t mind coming with me.”

Actually, that might only have been a joke.

But perhaps the scene Chen Yue painted was too vivid, too real, with too many details. Chi Xiaoman had originally wanted to keep laughing, but she couldn’t really laugh anymore.

Maybe it was heartache; maybe it was helplessness. She opened her lips but couldn’t make a sound.

So she got more opportunities to hear Chen Yue speak.

“Sometimes I think about this kind of thing.”

The background on the other end suddenly grew noisier, probably because a night-shift doctor hurried past.

Chen Yue’s voice was obscured a little and became hard to hear. But she was saying to her, “But most of the time, I hope that time point can come a little earlier.”

“Only every time I think about it...”

“I also feel that I still haven’t fully prepared myself; I don’t have much courage. I’m afraid the result of getting close will be no different from last time, and I’m also afraid that I’ll disturb your peaceful life and instead bring you harm.”

She gave a soft laugh, keeping her voice very low.

“But fortunately, we still have Neon.”

[Author’s Note]

The sixty-seventh day of Little Neon’s on-time updates~