「2023」

Before the call ended, Chen Yue said once more, “Chi Xiaoman, you should sleep well.”

It was a wish she had been insisting on telling her ever since filming for Neon began. If Chi Xiaoman had only ever thought of it as something beautiful, a tiny, insignificant form of concern, then hearing it again tonight felt somehow different.

Maybe it was because tonight itself was extraordinary, so that details that happened every day in the past took on a different meaning when they happened tonight.

But.

When she heard Chen Yue say she was “afraid the result of getting close would be no different from last time,” Chi Xiaoman couldn’t help but think of——

The spring of 2014, when she carried a suitcase, Lang Lang’s USB drive, and a bouquet of flowers, and found Chen Yue amid the neon streets of Hong Kong.

They made up that spring night; when they held each other tight, their hearts were pressed very close, as if there were only two hearts left on that whole street, both melted by love... and each of them felt the joy of losing something and getting it back.

But in the end, they still couldn’t make it to the end of summer. After that, Chi Xiaoman began to hope summer would never end.

Would it be the same this time?

Chi Xiaoman wasn’t sure. She didn’t know whether she should have too much confidence in this. Too much confidence might make her overlook things without meaning to; too little confidence might create distance.

Still, since this was only the first day.

She didn’t force herself to think too deeply. Instead, she let herself imagine a beautiful future with Chen Yue.

Maybe, without even noticing it, they would grow old together, their hair turning white; every winter they would come to this city that almost never saw snow, and by the time they were at an age when holding hands and kissing had become tiresome, they would still walk side by side through the summer, and after they went home they would sit in rocking chairs listening to the old song from more than half a century ago, The Moon Reflects My Heart. When they heard “a gentle kiss,” they would very tacitly kiss each other on the cheek.

Chi Xiaoman had such a dream.

When she woke up, her heart felt empty. She suddenly found herself wishing time could jump straight to forty years later. She wanted time to move faster, so that problems wouldn’t have time to appear between her and Chen Yue before they had already grown old together and spent most of their lives hand in hand.

Chi Xiaoman longed for things to turn out that way; she also longed to see Chen Yue as soon as possible.

Just as Chen Yue had described on the phone, the town’s weather was very good. It was close to summer; the temperature was warm and the sun was bright.

After washing up, Chi Xiaoman went out, put on her mask and baseball cap, and took a taxi to the hospital. Along the way, through the glass window, she once again saw the storefronts she had seen the night before——

Unlike the bright, glittering lights at night, the streets in daytime were bathed in warm sunlight. In front of each shop stood people in T-shirts soaking up the sun; their features were hard to make out, with eyes, brows, and noses reduced to rough outlines, making even the world feel softer and more lovable.

The taxi stopped at the hospital entrance.

Chi Xiaoman opened the door and got out, habitually thanking the driver. When the driver saw her eyes hidden beneath the brim of her cap, he froze for a moment, then suddenly grinned and said,

“Chi Xiaoman, my daughter really likes you.”

Chi Xiaoman paused for a few seconds, then curved her eyes in a smile and said sincerely, “Thank you.”

The driver waved it off with a smile and said nothing more. Unlike some people Chi Xiaoman had run into before, he didn’t shout and call others over, and he didn’t immediately raise his phone to take a picture of her face and expression.

Seeming to remember that the address she had gotten out at was the hospital, he muttered, “Oh no,” then said to her in a particularly earnest tone, “You take care of yourself.”

After that, he slowly drove off.

Chi Xiaoman stood at the hospital entrance and watched the taxi leave; all at once, she began to believe that maybe, in the future, she and Chen Yue really would grow old in this city together.

But perhaps because she had nearly been recognized in the elevator the night before.

As she was about to reach the inpatient building, Chi Xiaoman still saw several people in black, carrying backpacks and cameras, lurking by the entrance. They looked like paparazzi.

She stopped walking.

She hesitated over whether to keep going.

But maybe the thought of seeing Chen Yue suddenly overpowered everything else. Or maybe it came from some unaccountable trust in this city.

After a moment’s hesitation, Chi Xiaoman still lowered her cap brim, pulled her mask into place, kept her head down, and passed by the entrance very discreetly.

At first, she thought she hadn’t been noticed, and so she walked quickly.

But just as she was almost out of sight——

One person in that group suddenly looked at her, stared for a while, and then called out,

“Chi Xiaoman.”

Chi Xiaoman instinctively faltered for a second, then immediately kept walking.

But that person still seemed sharp enough to notice, and hurried after her——

continuing to call “Chi Xiaoman” without letup.

Chi Xiaoman gave no response.

So the others swarmed in too, blocking her from behind and asking why she had appeared at this hospital two nights in a row; why, after the production wrapped, she wasn’t in Hong Kong but in this little town; whether it was because of some secret, or because there was someone here she needed to meet over and over again...

Actually, over the years, Chi Xiaoman had long understood that for paparazzi waiting in ambush like this, the answer to the question had never mattered. What they wanted was to provoke Chi Xiaoman into showing an ugly expression, ugly emotions, ugly behavior... then film it and sell the material.

Maybe if it had been before, she would have found it impossible to imagine such things happening in the world at all, and she wouldn’t have understood who the audience for this kind of material even was.

But now she understood that there were many buyers.

For example, agencies that wanted to protect their artists; enemies in this circle; capital they had offended; rival companies; so-called “media” that wanted traffic; and... Chi Xiaoman herself, who only wanted peace and quiet.

Under ordinary circumstances, the best way to protect herself was to keep her mask on, not easily reveal her expression, not look at the camera, not answer this kind of question, and make no response at all.

But at this moment, Chi Xiaoman didn’t seem like the only one who needed protection.

She couldn’t lead these people to Chen Yue’s side, and even more so, she couldn’t lead them to Chen Yue’s mother, who had just had surgery.

So she had no choice but to circle aimlessly with her head down in the lobby.

It was just as she was preparing to give up on the chance to meet Chen Yue and leave the hospital.

The people behind her were suddenly stopped. Someone beside her spoke very quickly,

“Security, it’s these few. They’ve been following this girl the whole time. I’m getting a heart attack just looking at them; who knows what terrifying thing they’ll do next.”

The matter was resolved just like that, in an instant. In front of Chi Xiaoman, the people in black holding cameras and flashing lights were noisily driven out by security after only a few minutes.

Because it had been handled so quickly, and because everyone in the hospital had their own business, not many people watched the whole scene.

Security expelled the paparazzi, and the scattered onlookers also dispersed. Though a few curious gazes still lingered, no one came too close.

Only then did Chi Xiaoman look around in confusion, and then finally at the person who had helped her.

She wanted to say thank you first thing, but after meeting the other woman’s eyes, she froze suddenly——

The person who had helped her was a woman, around fifty or sixty, with wrinkles in her skin, dyed red hair mixed with a lot of white strands. She looked very thin and was wearing a hospital gown.

While Chi Xiaoman was studying her, the woman was also squinting, carefully studying Chi Xiaoman.

Probably sensing Chi Xiaoman’s surprise, she seemed to think of something and took the initiative to speak, her tone a little proud.

“Lots of people say my daughter looks like me.”

Actually, Chi Xiaoman had never met Chen Yue’s mother, not even in a photograph.

But Chen Yue really did look like her mother. So at the first glance just now, Chi Xiaoman had wondered whether she was imagining things because she wanted so badly to grow old with Chen Yue—whether, at the moment she most wanted to see Chen Yue, she had instead met the older version of her.

But now she was certain that the person who had helped her was Chen Yue’s mother, Chen Xiaoping.

“...Hello, Auntie.” Chi Xiaoman was a little stiff; she hadn’t expected to meet Chen Yue’s mother under these circumstances.

Chen Xiaoping herself didn’t look fierce at all, and she was different from the image Chi Xiaoman had imagined years ago. She didn’t have sharp, narrow eyes, and she didn’t lift her chin while speaking as though looking down on people. She didn’t smile much, but she also didn’t seem aggressive; instead she looked gentle and reserved.

After hearing Chi Xiaoman, she was silent for a moment before nodding. “Hello, Chi Xiaoman.”

The way the two of them greeted each other was a little odd. Chi Xiaoman hesitated, then could only nod and ask, “Auntie, has your body recovered?”

“Almost.” Chen Xiaoping spoke slowly. “It was just a minor surgery. Nothing serious.”

Chi Xiaoman nodded and fell silent again.

Chen Xiaoping didn’t speak either.

The two of them stood facing each other in silence for a while. Then Chen Xiaoping suddenly said, “I’m going to soak up some sun.”

Chi Xiaoman reacted and looked at the hospital gown on Chen Xiaoping.

She also looked outside at the warm, blazing sun, then said rather cautiously, “Then I’ll keep you company?”

“That’s fine.” Chen Xiaoping said, “But my daughter is still sleeping upstairs. If you want to find her, you can go look for her too.”

Unexpectedly, Chen Xiaoping’s attitude toward Chi Xiaoman was nothing like what she had imagined, and also not quite like the overcautious, somewhat aggressive parent she had encountered on the phone ten years ago.

Could time really change so much? Could it make a twenty-year-old grow up and a fifty-year-old grow younger?

Probably because she was considering how inconvenient it was for Chi Xiaoman to be out in the open, Chen Xiaoping only walked to the glass door in the corner of the lobby, then carefully protected her wound, sat down with some difficulty on a blue chair, and squinted in the sun.

Chi Xiaoman had originally wanted to help support her, but felt it would be awkward to rush forward uninvited, so she only breathed out after Chen Xiaoping had sat securely, then slowly walked over and sat beside her.

Then Chen Xiaoping suddenly said, “Chi Xiaoman, I’ve actually been watching the dramas you act in.”

Chi Xiaoman didn’t react at first, blinking in confusion.

Sitting before the glass door, with the sun all over her body, Chen Xiaoping was slightly hunched over, making her look very small and frail.

“Because when Chen Tong and I are together, she’s very quiet. She basically never takes the initiative to tell me anything.”

She paused there, then went on. “Most of the time I don’t know what she’s thinking, so I’d go watch the things she watched. I wanted to understand her, care about her, but what it looked like from the outside was that I was controlling her. Do you understand?”

Chi Xiaoman was dazed.

So Chen Xiaoping asked again, “Do you understand?”

As though she absolutely needed an answer.

So Chi Xiaoman could only shake her head and say, “I don’t really understand.”

Chen Xiaoping suddenly stopped talking.

Chi Xiaoman rubbed her knee.

Chen Xiaoping looked at her for a while, then sighed. “Actually, in the past, if I ran into something like this, I wouldn’t have stepped in to help.”

Chi Xiaoman knew she was referring to the paparazzi she had just helped drive off, and she also remembered that she hadn’t even had a chance to say thank you, so she quickly added, “Auntie, thank you for helping me just now.”

“You’re welcome.” Chen Xiaoping said, “Actually, when Chen Tong was little, I taught her that. I told her that when you run into this sort of thing, don’t get involved; taking care of yourself is the most important.”

“But over the past few years, she’s been teaching me instead.”

Maybe because ten years had really brought many changes, Chen Xiaoping no longer spoke as quickly as she once had. Her whole delivery was slow and unhurried. “And after knowing you for so long, when I saw you being bullied just now, I couldn’t possibly ignore it.”

“Even so, I still need to say thank you,” Chi Xiaoman said suddenly. When Chen Xiaoping fell silent, she explained softly, “Sometimes even people who are very close still need a thank you. A lot of things can’t just be taken for granted because we ‘know’ each other.”

Chen Xiaoping stopped speaking.

Chi Xiaoman also fell silent.

She didn’t know if she had sounded too serious about it, especially for a first meeting.

So she wanted to explain.

But at that moment, Chen Xiaoping had already spoken. “My daughter sometimes talks to me in that same tone too.”

Her voice softened a great deal, as if she were stating something utterly ordinary.

“Actually, I know that from the summer she was twenty-three, she suddenly became a different person. Not only did she quit her job for no good reason, she also suddenly told me she was going to Hong Kong to be an actress, as if a lot of things had to be done against me for her to be happy. So I kept wondering if someone in Beijing had led her astray?”

Chi Xiaoman was stunned.

Maybe because she could see a mother’s worry and fussing in Chen Xiaoping’s face, Chi Xiaoman didn’t urgently try to defend herself because of the guess. She no longer, as she had at twenty, felt unable to hold her head up in front of Chen Yue’s mother.

Instead, she looked at Chen Xiaoping, and when she heard her say “the summer she was twenty-three,” she suddenly felt deeply moved.

Because Chen Xiaoping clearly remembered exactly which year and which season Chen Yue had begun to change. It seemed that in a person’s life, the one who remembered all the crucial turning points most clearly was always the mother.

“She didn’t turn bad,” Chi Xiaoman said to Chen Yue’s mother. The sunlight was bright, and her voice was gentle and fine, warm and harmless.

At thirty, Chi Xiaoman finally got the chance to defend herself in front of Chen Xiaoping, but what she wanted to say was no longer that line, I’m not a bad person.

Chen Xiaoping turned her face to look at her. After a long while, she slowly said,

“I know.”

Chi Xiaoman smiled, truly and sincerely. “Mm. That’s good.”

Watching her smile, Chen Xiaoping seemed to think of something, and suddenly said,

“Last night, Chen Tong’s cousin suddenly asked me what I thought of you. I didn’t answer.”

“Then her cousin told me that many years ago, when she was sick, Chen Tong went to see her in Shanghai and brought her 500 yuan, saying it was because the person she liked wanted her to eat a few more roasted sweet potatoes in winter.”

The incident from ten years ago had happened too long ago; after that, so many big things had happened. Ten years later, Chi Xiaoman once again sat in a hospital and heard Chen Yue’s mother tell her this story. It took her a long time before she could barely fish this little thing out of her memory.

It surprised her that Chen Yue’s cousin had remembered it. Even more surprising was that Chen Xiaoping would actually be willing to say so much to her.

“She told me that although she was sick at the time, she actually couldn’t eat roasted sweet potatoes.”

“But she always remembered this matter; even after she later left Shanghai, she never forgot it. She said thank you for making it so that when she finally left Shanghai, she still bought herself a roasted sweet potato she couldn’t eat, but was still willing to buy just to make herself happy.”

“She also said that she felt the girl who had asked Chen Tong to bring her 500 yuan so she could eat more roasted sweet potatoes that winter was very cute, very kind. Even yesterday, when she accidentally saw you waiting for Chen Tong in the hospital corridor, she still thought so.”

Chen Xiaoping’s surgery had not been very serious, so by the next day she was already able to go downstairs on her own. Her face looked a little more ruddy as she sat in the sun and told Chi Xiaoman these things.

“Anyway, last night while Chen Tong wasn’t there, her cousin kept talking to me about all this.”

“She asked me whether I knew that person was you.”

“I said I knew, but I didn’t say it out loud. I felt that as long as I didn’t say it out loud, none of it would be real.”

Chi Xiaoman didn’t speak. She quietly looked at Chen Xiaoping’s profile, not knowing whether she should immediately emphasize that she and Chen Yue truly loved each other, and would one day grow old together in this city.

Before that, Chen Xiaoping had already said something even more surprising.

“Chen Yue probably understands my personality, so she told me early on.”

“She made it so I couldn’t keep pretending I didn’t know.”

“Over the past few years, she’s become more and more direct, forcing me to face things I didn’t want to face, more and more unlike my daughter.”

Saying that, Chen Xiaoping was silent for a long time, as if she felt a little lost over it, yet still had to admit,

“But she really has become better and better.”

-

Chi Xiaoman’s first meeting with Chen Yue’s mother wasn’t formal. But their conversation was far longer than she had expected.

Still, compared with the now quiet, nonresponsive Chi Xiaoman, Chen Yue’s mother was the one who spoke more.

The conversation basically ended with Chen Xiaoping talking one-sidedly.

It was after she had sat in the sun for a while that Chen Xiaoping suddenly waved at someone walking in from the hospital entrance.

Chi Xiaoman turned to look——

and saw a woman who looked very much like Chen Xiaoping, only older, walking toward them.

Chen Xiaoping stood up to greet her.

Before parting ways with Chi Xiaoman, she was silent for a moment, perhaps not knowing what to say as an ending to the conversation, and in the end simply said,

“I changed into a VIP room this morning. If you’re looking for my daughter, you need to go to the last room on the top floor.”

Watching Chen Xiaoping and the woman walk out of the inpatient building together, slowly making their way into the sun.

Chi Xiaoman stood frozen alone for a long time before taking the elevator up to the top floor to find Chen Yue.

The elevator to the top floor was extremely long.

Afterward, Chi Xiaoman spent some time before she found the VIP room at the very end. In the suite’s single sofa chair, she also found Chen Yue, curled up asleep.

The sofa chair was brown. Chen Yue was still wearing the dark green knitted sweater she had worn out yesterday; her skin was very fair. She had taken off her shoes, and her whole body was curled like an infant in the womb, back bent, legs tucked in, black hair loose. A thin blanket covered her, and she looked to be sleeping very soundly.

Beside the sofa chair was another sofa bench. But sitting there would have put her too far from Chen Yue.

So Chi Xiaoman didn’t sit on the sofa.

She took off her baseball cap and mask, sat directly on the floor, and in a posture that was not especially proper, hugged her knees and leaned against the side of the single chair, tilting her body so that her shoulder and head were pressed tightly against the sofa.

Like an intimate embrace with Chen Yue through the barrier of the chair.

A long while passed.

Chen Yue probably woke.

Her breathing became slightly quicker.

She also shifted a little in the chair.

Hearing the sound, Chi Xiaoman quickly turned her head to look.

From this angle, she saw Chen Yue’s face upside down, but even upside down, this woman’s tired expression still held a unique beauty.

She looked for a long time; after watching Chen Yue open her eyes, then close them again a bit wearily, she finally called softly, “Sister Chen Tong.”

“Xiaoman?” Chen Yue seemed surprised, lifting her eyelids in a daze.

Chi Xiaoman thought she looked very cute.

But she didn’t want to scare her too much.

So she proactively reached out her hand and waved it above her. “Sister Chen Tong, I’m here.”

Chen Yue froze for a moment, then suddenly laughed.

Still sleepy, she turned over in the sofa chair.

But with her face tilted up, she watched Chi Xiaoman’s waving hand, the corners of her eyes curving.

Chi Xiaoman thought waving like that looked silly and wanted to pull her hand back.

But before she could——

Chen Yue suddenly caught the hand she was waving.

And when Chi Xiaoman stiffened a little because of it, she gently wrapped her fingers around Chi Xiaoman’s palm.

This way of holding hands was a little awkward.

But Chi Xiaoman didn’t let go.

She also took Chen Yue’s hand, very quietly, as her answer.

After holding on for a while, Chen Yue suddenly said, “Xiaoman, come here and hug me.”

“Okay.”

Chi Xiaoman didn’t hesitate. She went around to the other side; there was no way to simply curl beside the chair anymore, and instead she got into the sofa chair herself, carefully hugging Chen Yue, who was curled up inside.

A single sofa chair didn’t have much space.

For Chen Yue alone, sleeping curled up there was already a hardship.

Let alone with Chi Xiaoman added to the mix?

So the two of them could only hold each other tighter. Facing one another, both curled up, they were entangled like veins that had grown together. Their hearts were pressed very, very close, so close it was nearly impossible to tell whose heartbeat belonged to whom.

Chen Yue didn’t seem fully awake yet. After Chi Xiaoman climbed in, she spread her arms and lazily hugged her, then closed her eyes for a little while before seeming to remember to ask, “How did you know I was here?”

“When I came to find you, I ran into your mother downstairs,” Chi Xiaoman said, resting her chin on Chen Yue’s shoulder. “Your mother told me she changed into a VIP room this morning.”

That probably came as a surprise to Chen Yue. But she seemed to be someone good at handling surprises, because after silently digesting it for a while, she asked lightly, “What else did she say to you?”

“Not much,” Chi Xiaoman said. “Just that she’d been watching my acting, and that your cousin thinks I’m a very cute girl, and things like that...”

After Chen Yue heard her out, and didn’t seem to detect any bad words in it, she relaxed a little and patted her back. “Mm, then ignore it.”

Chi Xiaoman also didn’t think that because of that conversation, she had any right to make a judgment about Chen Yue and her mother’s relationship. She rubbed her face against Chen Yue’s cheek; feeling the woman’s breathing grow steadier, she finally asked hesitantly,

“Sister Chen Tong, have you already come out to your mother?”

“Mm.” Chen Yue didn’t deny it.

Chi Xiaoman nodded. After thinking about it, she said, “Then I should also find a time to talk to Wang Aimei.”

Chen Yue laughed. “If you want to.”

Chi Xiaoman didn’t laugh. She rubbed her chin lightly against Chen Yue’s shoulder.

Actually, she knew very well that the process of coming out to Chen Xiaoping definitely hadn’t been as simple as the single “mm” Chen Yue had just used to describe it.

“So when did you come out?” Chi Xiaoman asked softly. The ward was quiet.

“I don’t really remember which year it was.” Chen Yue said it that way. She could remember Chi Xiaoman saying on a variety show filmed in May 2018 that she didn’t like snow, but she couldn’t clearly recall which year she had come out to her mother. “Nothing much happened in the whole process.”

“At that time she was watching some old film, with a rather subtle emotional thread in it. She didn’t notice it, or maybe pretended not to. I didn’t really like always acting like nothing had happened, and I wanted her to see it, so I said it directly.”

When she spoke of this, Chen Yue’s tone was very ordinary, even relaxed.

“She thought I was joking, saying how could women date women? I said I was.”

“I told her I had dated a girl in Beijing. Really dated. We did everything. It wasn’t the kind of ‘playing house’ she thought it was.”

Chi Xiaoman couldn’t imagine the expression or tone Chen Yue must have had when saying those words, so she pressed her face against Chen Yue’s cheek and kept her breathing very light.

Chen Yue patted her back and continued, “Actually, we hadn’t fought for a very long time by then. But there was no way I could keep this from coming out.”

“She might have already known, but in front of me she still acted very shocked, very angry, saying how could I do this behind her back, as if she had never sensed anything at all.”

“I had just finished filming a movie back then, and talking to her also felt tiring. I knew that once the words were out, she would need time to process it, so I went off to Nepal to be a volunteer by myself. During that time in Nepal, a lot of news happened locally, and most of it had nothing to do with where I was.”

“But she probably didn’t know that. Maybe she thought Nepal was just Nepal, that if something happened in one place, the whole of Nepal would be affected. So when I came back from Nepal later, she didn’t put on a face for me, didn’t scold me, and didn’t fight with me again. She just sometimes acted as if nothing had happened.”

“Other times she’d suddenly repost an article on her Moments, saying where in the world same-sex marriage was legal. She wasn’t very good with smartphones, so it was probably an accidental repost. After a while she’d delete it right away. But a few days later, the same thing would happen again.”

Throughout the telling, Chen Yue’s tone remained calm, with very little emotion. Unlike yesterday, when she had spoken to Chi Xiaoman about buying a house, she had smiled, softened her voice, and used words like cute and beautiful to describe her.

She seemed to be talking about an ordinary thing that had happened in her life, briefly wrapping up that frightening coming-out process and her volunteer experience in Nepal, then asking Chi Xiaoman softly,

“So when she saw you just now, was she also acting strangely toward you?”

Chi Xiaoman needed some time to digest that past. She had not known that Chen Yue’s ten years had also contained so much. For a long while, she only managed to part her lips and give a reluctant answer: “It was... it was okay.”

She suddenly changed the thought she had had that morning; she no longer wanted herself and Chen Yue to grow old quickly. She hoped every day, every minute in the future would pass very slowly, instead of being as brief as the years Chen Yue had just described, those parts of her life that had belonged only to herself.

Thinking of that, Chi Xiaoman lifted her chin and rubbed her face against Chen Yue’s, like a small creature feeling sad. “I just thought she’d be a little harsher to me.”

Chen Yue laughed. Probably because she hadn’t slept much, her laugh sounded a little tired, but her tone toward Chi Xiaoman was still tender. “Fortunately, she wasn’t very harsh to you.”

Hearing her summarize it in such a natural, gentle tone, Chi Xiaoman nevertheless felt sad. She thought that originally, originally, they should have faced these things together.

Originally, they would have come out to their parents together, would have held each other’s hands tightly with red-rimmed eyes even after getting rejection and anger, would have spent their twenties and thirties together, saved money together, bought a house together. They were both actors, so they might have spent more time apart than together, but on every major life decision they would have discussed it with each other. They would have chosen together which city to live in after retirement, which neighborhood, what kind of renovation the house should have, what ingredients to keep in the fridge...

But the truth was, they hadn’t even reached that step before they were separated.

And in the years they spent apart, Chi Xiaoman had once given up on her dream of being an actor, then picked it back up; she had thrown away the bright, shameless version of herself and become more and more silent, repressed, and pessimistic, and had given up on fighting for herself.

She had been foolish over Chen Yue’s matters; after Chen Yue won Best Actress, she had posted a blessing on Weibo and deleted it seconds later; she had also once lifted her skirt and run through the winter toward an event she had thought might let her see Chen Yue, only to miss her in the end.

But Chen Yue had done all of this alone.

She said these things weren’t for Chi Xiaoman.

She said the timing of all these things was perfectly ordinary.

She said she did them all for herself.

As if all responsibility had nothing to do with Chi Xiaoman.

Chi Xiaoman didn’t know whether she herself could have done the same if the situation were reversed. If she had been the one to film that TV drama with the spotlight, the plot, and the character arc; if Chen Tong had stayed behind to care for Lang Lang in the hospital while Chi Xiaoman went to Shanghai.

If Chi Xiaoman’s mother had also always been by her side and never left, but was constantly supervising every friend she made, deciding whether they were appropriate, thinking she had been led astray in Beijing, and even having an unfriendly attitude toward homosexuality... could Chi Xiaoman have done the things Chen Yue had done alone over the years?

“Xiaoman.” Chen Yue suddenly patted her head. “What are you thinking about?”

Her voice was soft.

And it held a great deal of open tolerance for her.

“Sister Chen Tong,” Chi Xiaoman called her. She tucked herself a little further into Chen Yue’s chest, wanting to hide herself, and also wanting to be held even more tightly by Chen Yue.

“Do you also trust me very much?” she suddenly asked.

Chen Yue touched her hair. The gesture was affectionate; she smiled a little, as if she thought the question was unnecessary, yet she still answered patiently,

“I trust you.”

Chi Xiaoman was confused. “But I haven’t asked what you trust me about yet.”

“Mm, I don’t know what you’re afraid I won’t trust you about.” Chen Yue’s voice was gentle.

“But I still trust you.”

Chi Xiaoman couldn’t speak.

After a moment of silence, she thought maybe Chen Yue hadn’t heard clearly, so she tried hard to think it through, and to express herself clearly. “What I mean is, you trust that I’ll also have the ability to handle these problems the way you do; trust that I..."

Trust that we can go on this time?

——The words never came out. Because even saying them would make Chi Xiaoman feel uneasy, afraid. Because so many things went bad the moment they were spoken aloud. She didn’t want things to go bad again.

“Xiaoman.” Sensing her mood, Chen Yue called her in a low voice.

Chi Xiaoman wrapped her arms around Chen Yue’s waist, tried her best to steady her emotions, and answered, “Mm, I’m here.”

Holding her, Chen Yue said very softly,

“Actually, all these years I’ve also kept wondering; why was it that back then, when both of us worked so hard, when you had already come all the way to Hong Kong once without hesitation to find me, I still didn’t end up walking with you to the end?”

Chi Xiaoman parted her lips. In truth, this was something she too had always kept in her heart and never been able to ask directly.

But she felt Chen Yue was wrong. It wasn’t that she and Chen Yue hadn’t walked to the end together. It was that they hadn’t walked to the end together.

“At first I thought it was all fate’s fault; fault that we ran into too many bad things, fault that everything happened too quickly, splitting us apart before we were ready and catching us off guard.”

Probably because she had considered this question long ago, Chen Yue’s voice remained calm as she spoke.

“Later I thought that actually, fate is the same for everyone. It could never only arrive in full after one person was completely, wholly prepared.”

“It’s just that by chance, the efforts we made might have completely gone in the wrong direction from each other. But even so, that doesn’t mean our efforts were completely wrong.”

Sunlight streamed through the blinds and gathered over them. Chen Yue and she were simply embracing in the single sofa chair, their connection tightly bound, as if they were both soaked in the same river.

“Because we were both only just over twenty back then; we couldn’t love perfectly like that.”

The sunlight was bright, as if they had returned to summer again. Chen Yue kissed her hair; her voice was so soft it seemed she had never once blamed her at all.

“So let’s not blame ourselves too much, or blame each other too much, okay?”

[Author’s Note]

The sixty-eighth day of Little Neon’s serialization.