2023

For a very long time, Chi Xiaoman had believed that over the ten years from Chen Tong to Chen Yue, not much had really changed in Chen Yue.

She always seemed considerate, gentle; the way she dealt with people and handled things usually left everyone around her saying she was like a breath of spring breeze.

But that wasn’t true.

The truth was that the process of becoming Chen Yue from Chen Tong had been just as grueling, and perhaps no less so than everything Chi Xiaoman herself had gone through.

In a sense, looking back and comparing the two of them, Chi Xiaoman felt that she had only been forced to change in response to a changing environment.

Chen Yue, on the other hand, was the complete opposite. The changes in her came from the inside out; they were the result of countless rounds of self-examination, reflection, and even a repeated, compulsive kind of rumination.

Chi Xiaoman could hardly imagine how many times, over those ten years, Chen Tong had scrutinized herself, criticized herself, even tormented herself, before growing new veins and branches from all that and becoming the Chen Yue who stood before her now; strong, and not at all stingy when it came to expressing herself.

So she hugged Chen Yue again.

She couldn’t count how many times they had embraced.

But perhaps because this embrace took place in a hospital, it felt especially meaningful.

Chi Xiaoman tried her best to lift her arms.

She imagined herself as a vine wrapped around a great tree, encircling Chen Yue that way.

She raised her chin and rested her face on Chen Yue’s shoulder, straining her narrow shoulders as wide as she could.

She didn’t say anything; she just gently patted Chen Yue on the back.

Chen Yue hugged her back for a long time, then slowly said, “Xiaoman, thank you for being willing to come and hold me.”

Such a strange thing to say.

They were already lovers, walking side by side again. And yet they still found themselves expressing gratitude to each other in an embrace.

But Chi Xiaoman didn’t find it too unbelievable, so she answered softly, “You’re welcome.”

Just like Chen Yue always used to say to her.

Chen Yue held her quietly for a while. Perhaps sensing that Chi Xiaoman still had something to say, she spoke in a gentle voice, “Xiaoman, do you still have something you want to tell me?”

Chi Xiaoman hummed against her shoulder, her voice very small. “Chen Tong-jiejie, you’ve worked hard.”

She probably hadn’t expected that.

Chen Yue was silent for a moment, her hand lightly patting Chi Xiaoman’s shoulder; perhaps she was about to say, as she usually did, “It’s nothing hard,” or, “Xiaoman, you’ve worked hard too.”

But instead she said, “Xiaoman, then pat me again.”

So Chi Xiaoman patted her back again.

No more words were exchanged, and no more words could be exchanged.

Perhaps the embrace was too close, too seamless, as if it were a real, tangible anchor that completely separated them into another world; a world without gazes, without scrutiny.

So it was also difficult for anyone to notice that Chi Xiaoman and Chen Yue were hiding in a corner, quietly hugging.

-

The embrace didn’t last too long. Perhaps because there would be another chance to hug later.

Chen Yue took the initiative to ask, “So are you coming back to stay at my place tonight?”

“Okay.” Chi Xiaoman didn’t hesitate this time.

After thinking it over, she glanced at the ward door, which was tightly shut, and asked, “Then tonight, you…”

“I’ll stay here with my mom tonight,” Chen Yue said simply. “But I can take you back first, then come over later.”

“But won’t it be tiring to go back and forth?” Chi Xiaoman pressed her lips together. “Why don’t I just grab a taxi myself?”

“It won’t be tiring.” Chen Yue said, “Don’t take a taxi yourself.”

Two very short no’s.

Chen Yue rarely used such direct refusals.

“Then how about I stay here with you too?” Chi Xiaoman racked her brains. In truth, she also wanted more time alone with Chen Yue. Especially tonight. Perhaps because tonight really did mean something different.

She had completely forgotten how uneasy she’d just been at the thought of stepping into the ward.

But Chen Yue seemed to take that into account.

Smiling, she touched Chi Xiaoman’s face.

In a soft voice, she said, “It’s fine. One person is enough here. You should get some good rest tonight.”

Chi Xiaoman still wanted to say something.

But Chen Yue smiled and said gently, “Anyway, we’ll still see each other tomorrow.”

Anyway. Adding that word made the sentence sound different from a simple “see you tomorrow.” It carried a more certain kind of meaning.

So Chi Xiaoman lowered her lashes a little, somewhat shyly, and indeed felt that she wasn’t in that much of a rush anymore. She nodded solemnly and answered, “Okay, then I’ll listen to you.”

Maybe she hadn’t experienced for a long time the feeling of fully and whole-heartedly agreeing to something she wanted. After a pause, she couldn’t help repeating it a little awkwardly,

“Anyway, we’ll see each other tomorrow.”

-

But Chen Yue still insisted on sending Chi Xiaoman to her own place. Even though Chi Xiaoman felt she could just follow the address there herself, Chen Yue was very firm about it.

Chi Xiaoman also knew that if she ran into trouble finding the address, it would give Chen Yue unnecessary worry, so she could only do her best to cooperate.

Besides, this was Chen Yue’s private space.

She thought it would be better to have Chen Yue lead her there than to barge in on her own in such a fluster.

In fact, she had also considered staying at the hospital and keeping Chen Yue company while she watched over her mother. But after thinking it through, she felt she really would have a hard time acting naturally in front of Chen Yue’s mother; she couldn’t truly be as free and easy as Chen Yue had said, that there was “no need to take responsibility for this.”

Of course she believed Chen Yue could handle everything, but if she herself couldn’t feel completely at ease, that would only make Chen Yue worry more.

Too many things had happened tonight.

Chi Xiaoman didn’t waste any more time arguing with Chen Yue; she wanted Chen Yue to send her back quickly so she could hurry over and handle things at the hospital.

Before heading to the residence, Chen Yue went into the ward once more to check on Chen Xiaoping’s condition. Chi Xiaoman waited in the corridor; only after Chen Yue confirmed that Chen Xiaoping was asleep, and that the IV and the wounds were both fine, did the two of them head off together.

They didn’t have private transport, so they had to hail a taxi by the roadside.

Fortunately, the driver was polite and didn’t speak to them once they got in, probably because he hadn’t recognized them either.

Both of them sat in the back seat.

Shoulder to shoulder, their legs almost, but not quite, touching. Night wind drifted in through the window, scattering the strands of hair that had fallen over their shoulders.

Because they were out in public, and the driver was up front, they didn’t act too intimate at first; they sat side by side, with a small bit of distance between them.

That lasted until the car had crossed several streets and slowly rolled onto a road with dimmer streetlights, passing a convenience store with its door open. Inside, a familiar old song was playing. The melody was slow and lingering, floating into their taxi.

As the car drove on, the melody gradually receded. Leaning against the window for the breeze, Chi Xiaoman suddenly remembered that the song was The Moon Reflects My Heart.

She turned to look at Chen Yue beside her.

Only then did she realize Chen Yue had also been looking at her.

The night lights were faint and distant. The woman had turned her face slightly; her gaze fell on Chi Xiaoman’s face like a soft cloud.

Chi Xiaoman, somewhat stiffly, lifted her hand from her lap.

She had originally summoned up the courage to reach for Chen Yue’s hand.

But then she accidentally met the driver’s eyes in the rearview mirror.

In her panic, she bumped against Chen Yue’s leg.

So she hurriedly curled her hand back in.

And also drew her leg away.

She muttered, “Sorry.”

It was entirely an instinctive reaction.

The next second, the taxi entered a tunnel; the cabin lights went dark, as if they had plunged into some strange and fantastical whirlpool.

She heard Chen Yue give a light laugh.

Then she felt Chen Yue reach over and take her hand, her soft palm pressing against Chi Xiaoman’s.

She also heard Chen Yue watch her for a while, then lift her hand and place it on her own thigh before saying to her in a gentler voice, “Then be bold.”

Chi Xiaoman froze.

“You need to be bold,” Chen Yue said softly.

The hand Chen Yue held was still tucked in her palm. Chi Xiaoman flexed her fingers and felt how tightly she was being held, and also the warm heat of the woman’s body.

She pressed her lips together and glanced again at the driver in front.

The driver hadn’t noticed.

So Chi Xiaoman let out a breath, the tips of her ears reddening as she nodded, then looked at Chen Yue beside her—

Chen Yue was looking at her too, her gaze growing even softer in the dim light and shadows.

Chi Xiaoman couldn’t speak.

So she could only allow herself to be led by her.

Then, before they left the tunnel, Chi Xiaoman couldn’t hold back anymore in the dark; she tilted her head just slightly and secretly leaned her face against Chen Yue’s shoulder. Maybe Chen Yue’s scent was too intoxicating, a faint warmth that wrapped around the tip of her nose and gave her a kind of comfort she hadn’t felt in a long time.

Then the taxi emerged from the tunnel.

The cabin brightened again, and she felt as if she were a tiny bug wrapped in a cloud, unable to clearly judge whether such behavior was dangerous, yet also having absolutely no desire to pull her hand away.

So she could only do her best to hide her face under the brim of her baseball cap, pretending she was already asleep.

And that was when she heard the woman’s soft, light laughter.

Chi Xiaoman kept her eyes closed and didn’t speak. She still insisted on making herself look asleep.

Wind blew in through the window, and the woman helped smooth the hair beneath her cap, her fingers brushing the skin behind Chi Xiaoman’s ear. She paused there for a few seconds before saying very, very softly,

“Sleep a little.”

-

She didn’t know how long it had been before they arrived, and later Chi Xiaoman really did fall asleep in the taxi.

—For her, that was extremely rare. These past years she had often been anxious; a doctor had judged her to be severely lacking in security, and she couldn’t fall asleep even in familiar surroundings, let alone with her schedule packed so tightly over the years that she was constantly on the road, on planes, or in unfamiliar hotel rooms after arriving in one city or another… which meant that for many years she had very rarely gotten a proper night’s sleep.

Falling asleep in an unfamiliar city, in an unfamiliar taxi, was naturally even more rare.

But she hadn’t slept too deeply.

Almost the moment the car stopped, Chi Xiaoman opened her eyes sensitively, rubbed them, and asked in some confusion, “We’re here?”

Chen Yue adjusted the brim of her baseball cap for her. “Mm, we’re here.”

“Okay.” Chi Xiaoman lifted her head groggily off Chen Yue’s shoulder and peered out through the car window, curiously looking around at the surroundings—

It seemed to be a residential area with a fairly strong everyday atmosphere. Beneath the buildings was a noisy commercial street; there were still many lights on at this hour, and though seen through the glass, it still looked bright. Along the roadside there were many parked food carts, selling all kinds of cheap but lively snacks.

It didn’t look like a very high-end place at all, completely opposite to the highly private apartment Chen Yue lived in Hong Kong.

“How did you suddenly think of buying a place here?” Chi Xiaoman asked after getting out and walking for a bit. The night wind helped clear her head, and only then did she remember this question.

“When you come back here, do you not live with your mom?”

“Mm.” Chen Yue walked beside her, her voice softened by the spring night wind.

“Actually, we’ve never really gotten along that well. Especially after I decided to become an actress. For a long time she wasn’t very happy about it, and she’d always lecture me over little things, so I fought with her a lot too. Back then, if I came back and stayed with her, within a few days we’d be arguing pretty badly.”

“Arguing?” Chi Xiaoman was surprised. Honestly, she couldn’t imagine Chen Yue arguing with anyone at all. A long time ago, she remembered that when she spoke to her mother on the phone, at most she would just say a few words and then stop talking. “If you argue with your mom, do you say harsh things?”

“Not really.” Chen Yue smiled. “Most of the time we’d just give each other the cold shoulder. Say a few words, then stop.”

That was just like before. Chi Xiaoman nodded. “Then what are the reasons now?”

She was also curious. “She still hasn’t agreed to you being an actress?”

“It’s not exactly that.” Chen Yue seemed to find the question difficult to answer. She turned her face slightly and looked at Chi Xiaoman for a while before thinking it over and giving her answer. “Basically our lifestyles are different, and the path I want to take is different from the one she wants me to take. We just think differently. She’s also very stubborn about her own things, so sometimes I want to lecture her too.”

“Alright.” Chi Xiaoman nodded and didn’t ask further.

Chen Yue observed her expression for a while before calling her, “Xiaoman.”

“Mm?” Chi Xiaoman turned her head.

The night lights swayed faintly. She must have been tired after the whole journey, but even after hearing Chen Yue call her, she still worked very hard to lift her eyelids and look at her.

Like a little cat determined not to doze off.

But she didn’t seem to feel any disappointment from those details about Chen Yue and her mother’s relationship. It seemed she had already fully accepted the fact that her mother was far away and unwilling to see her, and no longer felt much fragile loneliness about it.

“Nothing.” Chen Yue smiled.

Chi Xiaoman smiled back, her eyes curved.

Neither of them said more.

Then Chen Yue suddenly patted her head.

Chi Xiaoman probably thought it was odd, because she tilted her head slightly to look at her. She probably didn’t know that Chen Yue had already made up her mind; from now on, every time Chi Xiaoman missed her mother, Chen Yue would pat her head like this.

So after staring at Chen Yue for a while and finding no further explanation for the gesture, she only blinked, a little bewildered.

She was probably very sleepy too; the next second, she couldn’t hold back a tiny yawn.

Maybe due to some habit that was hard to change, once she realized she was yawning, Chi Xiaoman paused for a moment and then turned her face away shyly, not letting Chen Yue see her expression while yawning.

Chen Yue looked at her side profile as her cheeks puffed up and then went flat again; she didn’t say anything like, “You don’t have to.” She knew that one day Chi Xiaoman would get used to completely letting herself go in front of her.

And tonight was especially precious; it shouldn’t be used to explain too many principles. Chen Yue reflected on herself like that.

“Xiaoman, how long can you probably stay here?” Only after they entered the residential compound and slowly walked from the central courtyard toward the apartment building did Chen Yue ask this.

“I’m not too sure yet.” Chi Xiaoman thought about it. “After all, I’m free now.”

“After this, I’m planning to finish up things with Neon before thinking about anything else.”

“Good.” Chen Yue said, “Then coming over from Hong Kong, did you delay anything?”

“No.” Chi Xiaoman thought for a while before remembering her phone being out of battery, and said, “The things after wrapping aren’t too urgent. I also told Baozhi when I came.”

“Besides, during the day, Auntie A-Yun said she was going shopping with Aunt Fang. I might need to call her later.”

It was almost unbelievable when she thought about it. For so many years, Chi Xiaoman had placed Neon first in the ranking of her life.

But just today, when she came to see Chen Yue, she hadn’t thought about Neon at all on the way, not even about Fang A-Yun going shopping with Aunt Fang. She didn’t know whether that counted as “abandoning” it; or whether it was what Shen Baozhi called fighting for herself.

And that gave her a little guilt and unease.

Chen Yue had probably noticed those subtle details as well. She looked at Chi Xiaoman for a while, then took the initiative to say, “I saw that Auntie A-Yun and Aunt Fang got along very well.”

“I think so too.” Chi Xiaoman wrinkled the tip of her nose. “They’re both very good people.”

“Mm.” Chen Yue looked at her. “Aunt Fang will probably end up feeding candy to Auntie A-Yun again.”

Her tone sounded like a joke, and like comfort.

Chi Xiaoman froze for a moment, then curved her eyes. “Probably.”

Chen Yue smiled too. “Don’t overthink it.”

“Okay.” Chi Xiaoman nodded, and the breath she let out eased a little. She thought Chen Yue was right. Aunt Fang and Fang A-Yun should get along. She didn’t need to worry like a parent.

“And…” Chen Yue looked at her for a moment longer, then said, “You can stay at my place for as long as you want.”

Chen Yue had already said things like this many times tonight. If Chi Xiaoman had still hesitated the first time, then now she only wrinkled her nose slightly and nodded shyly.

“Don’t be embarrassed,” Chen Yue told her.

“Okay.” Chi Xiaoman answered softly.

She thought she should also try to get used to it; get used to the fact that when two people are together, being intimate means accepting it, even accepting it without any reason, and not feeling owed anything because of it.

But after following Chen Yue upstairs, Chi Xiaoman was still surprised. Because the décor in this apartment was completely different from Chen Yue’s place in Hong Kong.

In fact, it wasn’t as though she had never been to Chen Yue’s Hong Kong apartment before. Her impression of it was that it was clean and minimal, without much furniture, and didn’t look like a place where a living, breathing person actually stayed. Later, when she went to Chen Yue’s hotel room, she had the same feeling.

But here, in a small city Chen Yue didn’t often return to, in a house that wasn’t visited often either, the atmosphere of life was far stronger than in the place she stayed most often—

The spherical light in the center of the living room, the wooden floor, the laid-out blue plaid rug, the simply colored sofa, the cushioned seat beside it, a plant that looked like it was being cared for, the neatly spread pale-blue bedsheets that looked warm…

There wasn’t much dust in the whole apartment either. It didn’t look like a developer’s standard renovated unit; it looked more like the owner had personally decorated it, personally chosen the furniture, and slowly arranged it into a warm home.

“I had someone come to take care of it.” Perhaps sensing her curiosity, Chen Yue took Chi Xiaoman around the apartment and proactively explained, “But I’ll have her stop coming these next few days. You can stay here without worrying.”

“Okay.” Chi Xiaoman nodded obediently.

She was still holding the unfinished bowl of candied hawthorn and fruit.

Because it was her first time in an unfamiliar space, she stayed a little restrained. After following Chen Yue around to look at the place, she sat quietly by the sofa and curiously studied the room’s layout.

So when Chen Yue came out of the bedroom—

In the living room, she saw a scene very similar to, yet not quite the same as, before.

Chi Xiaoman was still sitting properly out of habit; she still didn’t move around carelessly, and she still kept a respectful distance from Chen Yue’s private space. That was something she couldn’t easily change in a short time.

But she no longer completely isolated herself from it.

Instead, she took the initiative to observe Chen Yue’s private space, and gradually, on the soft sofa, no longer held her shoulders so tightly. She even smiled at Chen Yue with curved eyes when Chen Yue came out—

The curve was restrained, but the smile was full of sweetness.

Then Chi Xiaoman called, “Chen Tong-jiejie, your house is so pretty.”

“Mm, I think so too.” Chen Yue looked into her eyes.

She walked over slowly, placing the clothes and personal items she had prepared for Chi Xiaoman on the sofa, and said to her,

“The bed’s made. You can sleep directly on it. If you get cold at night, there’s another quilt in the wardrobe. The air-conditioner remote and charger are in the cabinet on the left. The Wi-Fi password is eight eights. There’s mosquito repellent in the cabinet on the right. The water in the water cabinet was replaced today by someone I asked, so you can drink it directly.

“You can wear any of these clothes in the wardrobe. They’re basically all new. I picked out two more comfortable ones for you, so you can wear them to sleep.

“Later, before I leave, I’ll take you to see the bathroom. You can use all the toiletries in there directly. You can also use the kitchen. If you want to cook something to eat tonight, I’ll buy ingredients tomorrow.”

Every detail, down to the last.

After she finished, as if she thought she had said too much, Chen Yue paused and softened her voice. “In short, there are no secrets here. You can go anywhere you want.”

Chi Xiaoman cooperated and nodded. “Okay.”

Actually, unlike her easygoing personality might suggest, she had disliked staying in other people’s spaces overnight since she was young. It made her feel too out of place, always sensing that she was an outsider.

So even back in Beijing, under conditions where she had almost no money, at the beginning she had still preferred to rent a basement room on her own rather than share with Lang Lang. Later, agreeing to share with Chen Yue probably came from some unclear, unspoken reason.

Chen Yue’s space was the only place where she could stay overnight and feel a great deal of security.

But in the end, it was Chen Yue who made her feel safe.

Considering that Chen Yue still needed to rush back to the hospital afterward, Chi Xiaoman didn’t ask too many questions after that. Instead, while Chen Yue went to shower and change clothes first, she hugged the not-yet-finished bowl of candied hawthorn and fruit, slowly got up from the sofa, and carefully observed Chen Yue’s private space.

No matter how many intimate relationships connect a person to others, no matter how close those relationships are, everyone needs a private space of their own; a place to take a breath, to relax, to be completely themselves.

This apartment was probably that place for Chen Yue. So even though Chi Xiaoman was curious, she didn’t overstep by using the identity of a lover to abandon her respect for that.

She didn’t reach out and casually touch Chen Yue’s arrangements for the apartment.

She only kept looking, and the more she looked, the stranger it felt.

For the space she lived in most often, Chen Yue kept it simple, as if she could leave at any moment.

But for this space she didn’t often stay in, Chen Yue had arranged it with great care, even growing and watering plants in it.

But thinking about it carefully,

Chi Xiaoman felt that the place in Hong Kong was just a house. This house, though, was more like Chen Yue’s heart; always arranged to be warm and clean, waiting for its owner to move in and recover her strength when she was tired.

And because she thought of that metaphor, she became so absorbed, so focused, that she didn’t notice—

After Chen Yue finished showering and opened the bathroom door to come out, she stopped behind her for a long time.

Doing nothing.

She just quietly watched her.

Watched her move around this house like a curious little fish; watched her, after temporarily staying in this space, leave behind a subtle trace that would be remembered for a long time—

the fine, drifting shadow on the floor, the sweet scent of candied hawthorn and fruit, the sofa retaining a soft crease from where she sat, the rug showing an invisible shift from where she stepped on it, the clock whose meaning would from then on be different whenever it moved because her eyes had once rested on it…

Chen Yue suddenly longed for more of those traces.

She longed for Chi Xiaoman to make a racket in this long-silent apartment, longed for her to suddenly throw the bowl of candied hawthorn and fruit on the floor, longed for her to rudely reach out and pluck a leaf from one of the plants, longed for her to be like melting sugar syrup, leaving behind traces on the floor with every step that could never quite be erased...

But since Chi Xiaoman wasn’t the sort of person who would disregard manners so completely, Chen Yue chose to call out to her,

“Xiaoman.”

“Hm?” Chi Xiaoman turned around.

She turned to look at her from the middle of the wooden floor; her dazed expression was very cute, and warm golden light seemed to be flowing in her eyes.

And she smiled at her again. “Chen Tong-jiejie, you finished showering so quickly?”

Then Chen Yue could hold herself back no longer.

She walked over on her own.

And suddenly, for no reason at all, hugged Chi Xiaoman.

Chi Xiaoman probably hadn’t reacted in time.

She didn’t know that Chen Yue, finally able to do as she had long wanted and call her name without any reason, could also suddenly take her hand without any reason, and because of that, suddenly embrace her and feel so relaxed.

But she still tried very hard to lift her chin, awkwardly pressing her face against Chen Yue’s—

And called her in a soft voice,

“Chen Tong-jiejie, what’s wrong?”

The touch was soft; their warmth met.

At that moment, their two hearts, separated by their chests, leaned intimately against each other… thump, thump, thump. Perhaps one of them slowly sped up, its rhythm becoming faster, and in turn dragged the other into losing control.

“Nothing.”

The light diffused through the room. Chen Yue very slightly shook her head against Chi Xiaoman’s shoulder, listening to the gradually matching beats of their two hearts, her voice very, very light.

“I just want you to hug me again.”

Because she was thinking that the version of herself who had been hugged again by Chi Xiaoman would probably become the hardest trace in this apartment to ever clean away.

[Author’s Note]

The sixty-sixth day of Little Neon’s on-time updates