Chapter 87

Everything seemed to freeze for a split second, then collapse all at once like a punctured balloon.

Yu Min’s words were the needle that had pricked it. Lin Baixin’s evasiveness came to an abrupt stop. For the past few days, the flimsy facade she’d been clinging to could no longer hide anything, and before she was ready, everything was laid bare.

“Before, you couldn’t get away from me fast enough. Just because I did this one small thing, you changed your attitude and came to the hospital to see me day after day...” Yu Min’s voice was calm, but every word landed sharply. “If this goes on, it’ll only make me misunderstand even more. Are you regretting it?”

Her voice was a little hoarse, kept deliberately low. Her expression was composed; she was already used to Lin Baixin’s usual behavior, and she caught the surprise on her face, the brief flash of panic that flickered and vanished. Then she said, “You can’t have forgotten that you were the one who told me to leave. It’s been so long. Don’t tell me you’ve finally calmed down and figured out what you want to do.”

Lin Baixin’s face went white in an instant. She couldn’t face a question like that directly and blurted out a denial at once. “No...” But facts couldn’t be denied; they were too weak, too pale, not even enough to make a decent defense. Her lips moved twice, and all she could do was explain the first two sentences. “I didn’t say you dragged me down. That wasn’t what I meant.”

“From where I’m standing, that’s exactly what it was,” Yu Min said. “And besides, there’s no point arguing about it anymore, is there?”

Yes. There really was no point anymore.

Lin Baixin said, “I just wanted to... come see you. As for anything else, I never meant to cause you trouble.”

“You didn’t need to come every day.” Yu Min’s words were almost merciless. “I don’t need that, and you don’t have to force yourself either. We’re not there yet.” Her gaze flicked to Lin Baixin’s right hand; suddenly, Yu Min seemed the harder-hearted one. “You can’t even take care of yourself. Was there any need for this? You’re not tired, but I am.”

“I’m sorry.”

“No need to apologize. You didn’t do anything to wrong me.”

“Mm.”

“Don’t come to our department anymore,” Yu Min said flatly. “I’ll know my place, and you can live your life in peace. We’ll have nothing to do with each other.”

Lin Baixin fell silent. She had been the one to break the original quiet balance between them. The other woman already had her own life and had moved on; Lin Baixin’s repeated appearances, crossing the line again and again, were no different from dragging her back into it. That was her fault. She had no ground to stand on, and besides keeping quiet, she had no better answer.

The reason Yu Min had let her come was to lay everything out clearly. She was tired of ambiguity and vagueness, completely sick of it. Dealing with patients and the hospital every day was exhausting enough; she did not want to be tangled up in this too.

Lin Baixin understood. She understood perfectly. But she still said, “I didn’t expect it to be like this. It’s my fault. Next time—”

She couldn’t say the rest.

Next time I won’t come.

No matter what, she couldn’t get those words out. They wouldn’t even rise to her throat. If there was no next time, then that meant they were being separated all over again. If Lin Baixin didn’t go looking for her, Yu Min would certainly not come looking for her. Just like before, she would disappear entirely from her world and not appear again for a very long time.

Lin Baixin couldn’t say something like that. Not this time. Absolutely not.

“I’ll try not to make things difficult for you,” Lin Baixin said softly, speaking honestly. “I wasn’t thinking that much. I only thought it was on the way, and you were both at work, so I went over. Besides, Dr. Cui and the others helped me a lot too. Everyone had a hard time this time.”

Mentioning the others softened Yu Min a little. Her face wasn’t quite so stiff anymore.

Lin Baixin said gently, “Don’t be angry.”

Pressing her lips together, Lin Baixin admitted, “I just... haven’t seen you in a very long time. I’m a little confused myself too. I keep wanting to come find you. I know there are still problems between you and me; they haven’t really been resolved. But one thing is one thing. After knowing each other for so many years, I can’t treat you like a complete stranger. That’s hard. No one could do that.”

The television screen not far away reflected both of their silhouettes. They kept their distance, deliberately apart. It was Yu Min who had pulled back, not Lin Baixin.

“I want to see you. I don’t want us to finally meet only to end up arguing,” Lin Baixin said, gripping the edge of the sofa. Her fingertips rubbed hard against the fabric without her noticing, and only after her lips trembled for a moment did she dare admit it. “I don’t know why I did that, or what I should have done instead. The last time we separated, I still hadn’t agreed. Once we split up, we wouldn’t see each other anymore. I just—wanted to see you.”

The last four words were spoken so softly, so low, that they had to be forced out from the depths of her chest. They were so faint they were almost impossible to hear.

“Jiang Zhou isn’t your girlfriend, is she?”

The question did not get a direct answer.

Lin Baixin reasoned it out. “She doesn’t live here either. Maybe she used to live with you, but at least recently she hasn’t. There’s nothing of hers here; no traces.”

Jiang Zhou had a girlfriend, but it wasn’t Yu Min. That much was easy enough to guess. Lin Baixin had also gone to check. There was no need to ask the person involved directly about something like this; asking a third party was fine too. Qiu Qiu was in the know, but she had been kept in the dark as well, so when Lin Baixin asked about the two of them, Qiu Qiu was startled instead and naturally assumed Lin Baixin had gotten it wrong. She assured her that Jiang Zhou was absolutely not Yu Min’s partner; the two of them could not possibly have that kind of relationship.

Jiang Zhou’s girlfriend was another doctor at Yu Min’s hospital, a colleague of Cui Zhen’s, and also an alumna of X University. Jiang Zhou had only gotten together with her because Yu Min had introduced them.

Jiang Zhou and her girlfriend had a very good relationship; they’d already been living together for a year. The golden tabby, the little cat that looked so much like Lu Dagun, was actually one they’d adopted together after they started dating. Jiang Zhou had too much free time; at first she kept a cat simply to pass the time and have some company.

As for why it was a golden tabby, it was because among the people Jiang Zhou knew, only Yu Min had ever kept a cat. She had seen photos of Lu Dagun; Lu Dagun was just too adorable. So Jiang Zhou got one that looked exactly like it. It had nothing much to do with Yu Min. She simply thought this breed had a round little head and a round little body that made people fall for it at a glance, and she liked it.

Those two hugs, the various things at the meal, no matter how much Jiang Zhou did, and no matter whether Yu Min responded to them or not, none of it changed the most basic fact: they were not dating.

If they really had that kind of relationship, Lin Baixin would not have come over anymore. It wouldn’t have been appropriate.

Maybe. At the very least, she wouldn’t have come here so quickly and done something so irrational as showing up at the hospital day after day to look for someone. Lin Baixin wasn’t sure. She was rather uncertain. She felt uncomfortable.

She didn’t know whether it was because of Yu Min’s indifference, or those ambiguous intimacies, or both.

Yu Min had helped her; she knew that clearly. She wasn’t stupid. Anyone could see it. Yu Min had taken the first step, and only then had she found the courage to come looking for her.

Of course, these things were not what Yu Min had done. Lin Baixin knew that too. She understood what was what. The “misunderstanding” was only because she had read too much into it herself.

“Xiao Jin said he didn’t want to put you in a difficult position, so that’s why he said he’d meet us separately,” Lin Baixin said. Gathering her courage bit by bit, she finally forced out an olive branch. “If you really don’t want to see me, then we can meet separately. That’s fine. I don’t want you to treat me like I’m your enemy, okay?”

Yu Min had been fairly calm at first, listening without a word, but at that line her expression changed slightly. It wasn’t because she had softened further; rather, her face looked even worse. She stared straight at Lin Baixin, increasingly unable to make sense of her words. Lin Baixin was too inarticulate; what she said was too twisted and hard to follow.

“I never treated you like an enemy,” Yu Min said, word by word. “Not before, and even less so in the future. If it hadn’t been for you back then, maybe I wouldn’t be who I am now. I wouldn’t be so ungrateful, or so heartless.”

“...Mm.”

“You’ll never be on the opposite side.”

“Mm.”

“Even if I hated you, that still wouldn’t be the case.”

Hate her.

Lin Baixin froze. Those words carried too much weight, like an arrow loosed from a fully drawn bow, striking straight through her chest and shattering the flesh and blood inside. Her ribs tightened with a sudden ache, and bitterness flooded through her.

“What can we still be?” Yu Min asked her. “Relatives? Friends? Which one? Have you decided yet?”

No. Lin Baixin still hadn’t decided. She was still hesitating, still pacing in circles where she stood.

“Either is fine,” Lin Baixin said after a long moment.

“I can’t,” Yu Min said. “I can’t be either.” She paused on purpose, then emphasized each word more heavily. “Don’t even think about it.”

“I’m not controlling you. Whether you’ve calmed down and thought it through, changed your mind, or plan to do it again, that’s your business. It has nothing to do with me. I don’t want to. Your appearance has already come too late for me. You suddenly think things through again, or maybe you don’t; in any case, if you want to make up, that’s impossible. I said it before: once you leave, you don’t come back. I won’t give you another chance to think it over. It can’t always be that you get to decide when it’s fine and when it isn’t. You don’t want to, and no matter what I do, it won’t work. What am I to you, someone you can call whenever you want and send away whenever you want?” Yu Min went on, grinding her teeth, acutely aware of the past. “You were the one who gave up first. You didn’t want me anymore.”

“You’re not. I’ve never thought that,” Lin Baixin explained, but the explanation only grew less and less convincing. “I didn’t not want you.”

“Does driving me away not count?”

“That wasn’t what I meant. It was never what I meant.”

“But that was what it was.”

“...I went to look for you,” Lin Baixin suddenly confessed.

Yu Min went still.

Lin Baixin said, “I went to look for you, but you weren’t there.”

The room fell dead silent.

“But I didn’t know that,” Yu Min said after a while, tightening her hand. “What kind of looking for you is that? You went to the school, the hospital, or the rental place? If you didn’t find me the first time, then that was it, right?”

Lin Baixin went to the rental place. She went once, and there was no second time.

Once she failed to find the person, there was no second attempt.

One search had used up all her courage. Since the person wasn’t there, she never went again. She gave up far too easily.

“Even if you couldn’t find me at the door, couldn’t you have called? Sent a message? Wasn’t that possible?” Yu Min pressed. “Were you really looking for me, or just putting on a show to make yourself feel better? What’s the point of saying this now? Do you know how long I waited for you?”

Lin Baixin knew. Those deliveries, those inquiries and contacts with the people around Yu Min; every single time was a test. It was Yu Min still waiting.

“Since you came looking for me, why did you later act like you hadn’t noticed? Why couldn’t you look for me one more time?”

“I didn’t know how to face you.”

“No,” Yu Min said, calling her out. “It was because of the things I did. You had the upper hand; you were sure I’d go back.”

“No, I..."

“That’s enough.” Yu Min cut her off. There was no need to keep arguing. She stood up. This time she was firm, no longer wavering. Looking at Lin Baixin with complete disappointment, she forced herself to calm down, and in the most composed, steady voice she could manage, she said, each word clipped and clear, “No matter what, I will not forgive you.”