Chapter 73

This visit wasn’t about that anyway; they were never going to agree, and since it was rare for Yu Min to come back, both of them tacitly let it go. Lin Baixin didn’t say anything else and stood quietly to the side, no longer helping search. Yu Min went on looking for the books herself. There were quite a few she needed to take with her, and before long she had found a whole stack.

The door to the room was left ajar. One stood still, the other kept moving; it was late morning, not long after the sun had risen, and warm golden light poured through the floor-to-ceiling window, draping both of them in a soft, hazy glow.

Lin Baixin was still wearing her nightgown, barefaced. Because she had worked late into the previous night, she looked a little worn. Yu Min, on the other hand, was clean and neat from head to toe, yet somehow still looked washed-out. Her outfit was extremely casual, even a little sloppy, like she had made no effort at all; her thick black hair was obviously untrimmed for a long time, loosely tied back into a messy knot, with stray bangs left untended and hanging in disorder. She wore a tight off-the-shoulder short-sleeved top, baggy light-blue work pants faded almost white, and leather boots stained with dust and mud. She hadn’t changed shoes before coming in, only put on shoe covers.

She was probably planning to stay only long enough to get what she needed and leave.

Over these past few years, Yu Min had long since grown used to being taken care of by Lin Baixin and Auntie. After moving out, her independent life was obviously not going well. She didn’t know many basic life skills. Like many young people her age, her life was now dull as dead water; every day she went to work, ordered takeout for meals, had almost no social life after work, no entertainment, and when the time came she lay down in bed, and the day was over.

“Not working today?” Lin Baixin asked softly after Yu Min fell silent for a long while.

Yu Min answered, “I’m off. I go back tomorrow.”

“And the hospital? Have you gotten used to it?”

“It’s okay. Pretty much the same as before.”

“Your mom got in touch with this side a few days ago; she called me once.”

Yu Min wasn’t surprised at all. She already knew.

“I know. She told me.”

Lin Baixin asked, “Did she look for you?”

“She came here.”

“Oh.”

“Mm.”

“To find you?”

“No.” Yu Min said, “She came to see a boss, talk business, and stopped by on the way.”

Stopped by on the way... Lin Baixin couldn’t help frowning, instinctively catching the meaning behind those words. “You met.”

“We had a meal. Friday night, two weeks ago,” Yu Min said honestly. “She booked the place; it was a restaurant over here.”

No wonder Zheng Qing knew Yu Min had already moved out. So they had met. Zheng Qing had thought Yu Min was still living here, which was why she chose a place nearby. By then Yu Min had come straight over after getting off work from the hospital; no need to ask, Zheng Qing had known at a glance that her daughter no longer lived here. She had already moved somewhere else.

Zheng Qing was one of the only two people who felt satisfied and relieved about this; the other was Yu Shengyu. Having one’s biological daughter living long-term in someone else’s house was bad for family harmony. Yu Min depended far too much on Lin Baixin. With Lin Baixin there, even if Zheng Qing and the others wanted to get close to Yu Min, it was difficult to do so. Now that Yu Min had moved out, even though they still weren’t accepted by her, at least there was no third party in the middle. That made repairing the relationship easier.

Zheng Qing still hadn’t given up on buying a house for Yu Min. She brought it up again at their last meeting. She and Yu Shengyu were willing to put in the money together; as long as Yu Min could live well, that was enough.

There were still three or four years until Yu Min graduated; she couldn’t keep living in a rental forever. Renting was nowhere near as comfortable as having her own place. Life in a rental was too hard. Medical school and internships were already exhausting enough; there was no need to suffer all this too.

Setting aside everything else, Zheng Qing was still sincerely trying to mend the mother-daughter relationship. She had already owed Yu Min enough before, so now she was trying her best to make up for it.

Frowning again, Lin Baixin felt an instinctive tightness in her chest. She herself didn’t even notice it; her expression gradually settled, the corners of her mouth pressed down, her lips flattening unconsciously.

“And you? How’s the shop been lately?” Yu Min asked the obvious, as if she didn’t already know.

Lin Baixin said, “It’s okay. Nothing’s really different. Same as always.”

“You’re not going to the shop today?” Yu Min asked back.

Lin Baixin said without changing her expression, “I’ve got something to do this morning; I’ll go over in the afternoon.”

“Oh.”

“Maybe I won’t even go. There isn’t much to do today.”

“Mm.”

They were forcing a conversation, but with the distance between them now, it was hard to talk in any really harmonious way.

When the topic didn’t fit, anything more they said was empty talk.

Half the bookshelf was already empty; most of the professional books had been taken down. Yu Min needed nearly every book she pulled out, and she was still looking. If she kept going, the shelf would be almost bare.

Lin Baixin watched as book after book disappeared until Yu Min moved down several more volumes. Only then did she speak: “You’re taking so many?”

Yu Min seemed to take that the wrong way. She said lightly, “The rest I’ll come get later. I don’t need them for now.”

“I’m not rushing you. That’s not what I meant,” Lin Baixin explained. “You’re taking all these books; how are you planning to move them?”

“I’ll call a car.”

“And then carry them downstairs to the underground garage one trip at a time?”

“Probably.”

Just doing it by brute force, with such a huge pile of books—getting them downstairs alone would be exhausting. Lin Baixin didn’t approve of Yu Min going through all that. She could clearly get someone to handle it; there was no need to wear herself out like this.

Yu Min didn’t appreciate the concern and was stubborn about it. If she had planned to hire someone, she would have done so long ago. She wouldn’t have come over herself otherwise. She didn’t need to look for help. She had moved things at the hospital before; she wasn’t that particular anymore, and didn’t really care about this sort of thing.

At some point, Rolled Dough Balls had slipped into the living room. The little thing moved without a sound, padding slowly over to Yu Min’s feet. It didn’t have the complicated emotions humans did. Seeing Yu Min back, it went wild with delight, mewing in dissatisfaction at her as if complaining about why she had taken so long to come back. Then it rubbed around her in circles, rubbing its head against her, rubbing its body against her, and finally flopped down with a thud, exposing its belly to Yu Min.

Yu Min rubbed Rolled Dough Balls a couple of times, then pushed it away. She was still busy and didn’t have time to deal with it.

But Rolled Dough Balls was a clingy little nuisance that couldn’t be shaken off. No matter how Yu Min pushed, it refused to move aside. Instead, it got even more excited, probably thinking Yu Min was playing with it. When Yu Min reached out again, it took the chance to wrap all four legs around her hand and start bunny-kicking. In its frenzy, it even bit Yu Min’s arm, though it didn’t use any force; it was only pretending to clamp down for show.

Yu Min was patient with the cat, and she had brought snacks for the little thing on this trip too; a big bag of jerky freeze-dried treats she’d made herself. Rolled Dough Balls rubbed against her face and ate whatever she offered, not picky at all.

“You can give it a little normally, but not too much. Try to give it once every other day,” Yu Min instructed, hugging Rolled Dough Balls. “It doesn’t like cat food. It likes homemade cat meals.”

Lin Baixin didn’t know how to make cat meals. Her cooking for humans was barely passable; at best it was average, let alone food for a cat.

Before, Yu Min had always made meals for Rolled Dough Balls herself. Now that Yu Min wasn’t here, it had been as long as she’d been gone since the cat last had any homemade food.

Lin Baixin had never noticed this. Her attention wasn’t on the cat, and she had overlooked these details.

“Okay,” Lin Baixin said. “I’ll have Auntie make them.”

“That works.”

Packing the books didn’t take long. Before long, they were done. Then she went into the dressing room and packed two sets of clothes, shoes and socks, and a few other odds and ends.

Throughout it all, Lin Baixin merely watched. She didn’t step forward to help again, only saw Yu Min quickly gather a suitcase’s worth of things, including the little lily-shaped nightlight on the bedside table that Lin Baixin had bought for her; her adult-coming-of-age gift to Yu Min. Yu Min had kept it with her all this time, and now she was taking it away too.

Rolled Dough Balls jumped into the suitcase. The cat didn’t understand what humans were doing; it was only making trouble. It lay down in the empty space and refused to let Yu Min pack anything, sprawling out to occupy most of the suitcase with one stretch.

Yu Min poked its belly. “Move. Don’t block the way.”

Rolled Dough Balls didn’t understand human speech. It wriggled its waist and acted cute at Yu Min instead.

Unfortunately, Yu Min was cold-hearted and unmoved. She immediately picked the cat up and tossed it to the side. Rolled Dough Balls was a pain in the ass; agile as ever, it darted back again. Knowing it had been shoved away once more, the little thing still refused to give up; if anything, it seemed even happier.

Lin Baixin stood rooted in place, her face giving nothing away. Only the curve of her lips grew flatter and flatter, while a vague, complicated feeling gathered inside her.

The household aunt was also there that day; she had come by to work and happened to walk in just as Yu Min finished packing. She didn’t know there was a conflict between the two of them and assumed Yu Min had gone to stay at school, only coming home today. She greeted Yu Min warmly: “Miss Yu, you’re back.”

Yu Min nodded. “Aunt Zeng.”

Aunt Zeng smiled and immediately asked, “What do you want to eat today? I’ll start cooking now. Should I do the steamed fish and stir-fried crab again? Anything else?” Catching sight of the suitcase in Yu Min’s hand, Aunt Zeng didn’t think much of it; she assumed Yu Min had packed it ahead of time, so she enthusiastically reached out to take it. “You’re heading back to school this afternoon, right? Boss Lin said you two have been busy lately. Being a doctor really is like that. I have a relative who’s the same way—busy all day, never home. Nothing can be done about it; saving lives is what matters. There’s no free time in this line of work. Just set it down, leave it there. I’ll bring it to the car for you later. You rest first; if you need anything, just call me. You finally got a day off, so rest properly.”

It was obvious she had misunderstood. Aunt Zeng was too enthusiastic; in a couple of moves she set the suitcase aside, pulled Yu Min over to sit in the living room, and didn’t forget to ask Lin Baixin a couple of things as well.

“There are still so many books; how are you going to move them like this? It’s not easy.” Aunt Zeng smiled. Turning her head, she added, “You’re taking them with you, right? I’ll pack them up in boxes for you later; then it’ll be easier to use a cart to take them downstairs. If they’re left loose like this, they’re hard to carry.”

Yu Min couldn’t argue with Aunt Zeng, and she hadn’t planned to. Lin Baixin, standing nearby, didn’t stop her either. Only Rolled Dough Balls was even more cheerful now; the little thing bounced around and darted here and there. Seeing the chance as soon as Yu Min sat down, it rushed over and plopped itself onto her leg.

At noon, a table full of lavish dishes was made. There were more dishes than usual for this meal, and Aunt Zeng ate with them, having set some aside in advance for Yu Min to take away.

Sitting face-to-face with a third person at the table, neither of them could argue anymore; nor could they say any of those unspoken things. Both of them fell silent, each eating their own food.

The meal had no taste. The dishes smelled wonderful, but eating them wasn’t.

Aunt Zeng was the daytime housekeeper now and stayed all day. After the meal she was still there, continuing with other chores like laundry and cleaning.

It wasn’t until a little after four in the afternoon that Aunt Zeng had time to help Yu Min move things. There actually wasn’t much to move; everything fit onto a single cart, and it wasn’t hard to push it downstairs.

Lin Baixin didn’t go to the shop in the afternoon either. She stayed home and handled work online, sitting in front of the computer to type and click away, no one knew exactly what she was doing.

Before leaving, Yu Min said nothing. It was Aunt Zeng who said, “Boss Lin, then I’ll see Miss Yu downstairs.”

Only then did Lin Baixin set aside the work in her hands, look up, and answer flatly, “Okay. Thank you for your trouble.”

After seeing Yu Min down to the underground garage, Aunt Zeng said, “Miss Yu, if you come back next time, let us know in advance. Tell Boss Lin, and I’ll buy groceries earlier and get ready.”

Yu Min still didn’t explain, only answered along with her, “Okay.”

There really wasn’t much in Yu Min’s room to begin with. After moving these things out, what remained was basically just some off-season clothes. Tired from sitting for so long, Lin Baixin passed by the doorway of Yu Min’s room and stopped there for a while, staring inside in a daze. It wasn’t until Rolled Dough Balls cried out at the top of its lungs that she came back to herself.

It was time to feed the cat; it was hungry.

Lin Baixin couldn’t make cat meals, and learning would take time. For now she could only keep feeding the little thing dry cat food.

Rolled Dough Balls ran over eagerly, thinking she was bringing something delicious. But when it got close and saw it was cat food, it sniffed twice and turned to leave, refusing to eat.

The jerky freeze-dried treats Yu Min had made were on the coffee table. Lin Baixin opened the bag and dropped a couple of strips into the cat bowl; only then did Rolled Dough Balls change its mind. It liked the snacks Yu Min made and gnawed on them with big bites, rolling around as it ate.

When Lin Baixin petted it, it didn’t act spoiled like it did toward Yu Min. Instead, it clamped a strip of jerky in its mouth and circled the room once, couldn’t find Yu Min, came back, and mewed at Lin Baixin in confusion a couple of times, as if it couldn’t understand how Yu Min had just returned and then disappeared again.

And then she was gone again for many days, even longer than last time.

Even interns at the hospital had to run on a tight schedule. Yu Min still lived between two points, and occasionally had to go back to school.

Zheng Qing came to Kyoto again and visited Yu Min once more. Yu Shengyu came too, but he didn’t get to see Yu Min. That day happened to be one when Yu Min had gone back to school and had no time to meet him.

Lin Qi also went to see Yu Min twice, taking Luoshu with her. The two of them came looking like they were on a poverty-relief trip to the countryside, the entire trunk stuffed with bags and boxes: electronics, clothes, shoes, bags, decorations, and all kinds of daily necessities. They even sent over pots, bowls, and dishes; anything that might be useful, they wanted to bring a copy of, terrified that Yu Min might not have it.

“If you ever get home from work and feel like eating something, you can come back and cook. Try not to eat takeout all the time; it’s unhealthy. If you’re too busy, then hire a meal-prep auntie to come by.” Lin Qi nagged like an old mother. “Forget it, I’ll arrange it for you. If I let you do it yourself, who knows when it’ll happen.”

Yu Min refused. She didn’t want a cooking auntie.

“This isn’t up to you. I’m deciding; we’re definitely hiring one. You don’t need to worry about the pay; let your sister handle that,” Lin Qi said firmly, making the decision on the spot. “Look at how skinny you’ve gotten. Keep this up and you’ll turn into a skeleton. You barely have any flesh to begin with; at this rate you’re going to ascend to heaven.”

In the end, a cooking auntie was hired after all; Lin Baixin paid for it, and Lin Qi fronted the money first and went to collect it from her later. There was no way to refuse.

Zhou Jin also came to Kyoto once. He first went to see Yu Min, then visited Lin Baixin. In the end, Yu Min still put money into Zhou Jin’s studio as an investor. She wasn’t counting on Zhou Jin making anything of it; he simply couldn’t find anyone willing to invest, and he had pestered her so relentlessly that she gave him the money just to get him off her back.

Because Yu Min had given him a large sum of money, Zhou Jin took it seriously. He also hadn’t known Yu Min had moved out of Lin Baixin’s place. At first he’d wanted to go straight to Lin Baixin’s house; fortunately, he called Yu Min in advance to ask, and only then found out that Yu Min had already moved out long ago.

Without asking why Yu Min had moved out, when he visited Lin Baixin, Zhou Jin, missing a few screws in the head, actually asked her stupidly, “Sis, you kicked Min-min sis out?”

Lin Baixin froze and said nothing.

“Weren’t you two doing fine? How did it turn into this? Did she make you angry, or what?” Zhou Jin asked.

Lin Baixin said, “Don’t ask so much.”

“I’m just curious. I don’t even dare ask Min-min sis, so I can only ask you,” Zhou Jin said. “Min-min sis is pretty great. Don’t be so petty. You’re family; what kind of grudge lasts overnight between sisters?”

Lin Baixin didn’t answer him, treating Zhou Jin’s chatter as the wind passing by her ears and ignoring him.

The midsummer sun blazed fiercely, bleaching the road surface pale.

After that Yu Min went over several more times. Every time it was to get something; every time she brought Rolled Dough Balls some cat treats she had made herself. And every time, just so happened, Aunt Zeng was there. Aunt Zeng would always keep Yu Min for a meal, just like the first time, making food for her to take away, cutting fruit for her, and chatting with her about the hospital and the school.

The room grew emptier and emptier. Clothes in the dressing room dwindled little by little. Summer clothes were taken away, and three months later the long-sleeved spring and autumn clothes were gone too.

Only a few winter outfits were left, hanging sparsely here and there.

Lin Baixin could see it; after Yu Min came two more times, this room would probably be completely empty.

The bed was still made; the quilt and sheets were changed regularly. Aunt Zeng was diligent and didn’t mind the trouble. Even though Yu Min no longer lived here, she still prepared everything for her.

While cleaning the room, Aunt Zeng accidentally found several books Yu Min had left behind and an old phone. Thinking they were probably things Yu Min didn’t want, and not knowing how to deal with them, Aunt Zeng went to ask Lin Baixin. Lin Baixin didn’t care much and said, “Put them in the drawer. She may have forgotten. Ask her next time whether she wants them.”

But Aunt Zeng forgot to ask next time, and Yu Min didn’t look for them either. So the things stayed in the drawer, gathering dust, and everyone forgot they were there.

Time passed faster than it felt like it did. Before she could clearly measure it, autumn gave way to winter, and the last few pieces of clothing were taken away too.

The room was completely empty. The “for a while” Lin Baixin had once promised turned into one stretch after another, with no end date.

The last time Yu Min came, Lin Baixin wasn’t home. It was as if she had deliberately hidden away. She stayed at the shop all day, and that day Lin Qi was on duty there, so she could have skipped going over, but she still went.

She didn’t get home until very late, returning according to the time she had calculated.

She unlocked the door and pushed it open, but Yu Min still hadn’t left. Lost in the thick darkness of night, she was waiting for Lin Baixin; no one knew how long she had been waiting.

Even without turning on the light, she could see someone on the sofa and knew at once who it was. Lin Baixin wasn’t startled. She closed the door behind her, still not switching on the light after entering. She walked up, went to stand in front of Yu Min, then bent slightly and sat down beside her.

In the darkness, Yu Min’s outline was blurred. After a stillness of about half a minute, she finally moved and turned her head to look at Lin Baixin in the faint light from outside the floor-to-ceiling window, taking the initiative to give her an opening. “If you want me to stay, I won’t leave.”

But Lin Baixin didn’t take that opening. She stayed silent.

“Do you want me to leave?” Yu Min asked directly.

After a moment, Lin Baixin replied softly, “I don’t know.”

“I want to stay.”

“...Up to you.”

“What if we can’t go back to how we were before? Does that still count as up to me?”

It can’t.

Lin Baixin didn’t say it out loud, but silence was louder than words. Silence was her answer.

Yu Min said, “I can’t accept that.”

Lin Baixin bent slightly at the waist, keeping her voice down. “Why do you have to do this?”

“Why can’t I?” Yu Min shot back. “Are we supposed to just pretend nothing ever happened later, pretend those things don’t exist, and keep lying to ourselves in a muddle?”

Lin Baixin couldn’t argue with her and fell silent again.

Yu Min remained calm, having expected her reaction long ago. She said quietly, “Why are you avoiding it? Is it really because you can’t accept it, or is there some other reason? Can we talk about it?”

“I’m not sure.” Lin Baixin thought for a moment before saying, equally calmly, “I don’t know. I’ve always been like this. I never thought about it that much.”

“But you do have feelings about this... about me,” Yu Min said with startling directness. “Then it’s not that you can’t accept it.”

“I don’t know.”

“That night, you reacted.”

Lin Baixin didn’t respond.

Yu Min pressed on. “That doesn’t mean anything either? That still isn’t enough to prove it?”

When she opened her mouth, it felt as though an invisible force had clamped Lin Baixin’s throat. She couldn’t refute it, and she couldn’t explain.

“Facing this is that hard for you?” Yu Min said. “It’s been so long, and you still haven’t figured it out?”

Lin Baixin’s voice stayed low, the same old line: “I need time.”

“Is it time you need, or more avoidance?”

“...”

“How long do you need; half a year, a year, two or three years? Dragging it out forever, right?”

“I don’t know.”

“You’re just stalling it out, handling it by coldly leaving it alone,” Yu Min exposed her. “Have you figured out how long I’ve been out there? If I hadn’t waited for you to come back today, would it have just ended like this? You’d rather I leave; those things are more acceptable to you. Compared to facing the problem, you’d rather do that.”

Lin Baixin had nothing else to say. Yu Min had hit the nail on the head; she was stating facts.

“What do you mean by ‘keeping things the same’? I don’t really understand,” Yu Min said, tilting her head to meet her gaze. “Didn’t you already allow it? Have we kept things the same? What exactly do you think the same is—like when we first met, or when I first came here? Or... you’ve always silently allowed it, even knowing what I was thinking, pretending not to feel it. Is that what counts as the same?”

In the darkness, Lin Baixin’s profile was gentle, but she didn’t look at Yu Min; she turned her gaze away.

“That night, you even did that with me. Does that still count as the same thing you mean?” Yu Min’s words grew increasingly unrestrained. “Since you want to keep things the same, why did you hold me then? Why didn’t you push me away from the start? Letting me kiss you, doing that with me—what does that count as? What does that mean to you?”

Lin Baixin’s expression changed at once. She turned back, perhaps stunned by the blunt, naked way Yu Min had put it, and couldn’t meet the questions head-on.

“I..."

“And after this? What are we supposed to be? Which kind of relationship are we supposed to keep living in?”

Lin Baixin couldn’t answer.

Yu Min gave her no room to think. “If it happens again, if something like that night happens again, would that still be ‘the same’? Two times, three times... no matter how many times, should it all just be according to what you think? You think it doesn’t matter, as long as it lets you avoid it. But what about me? What am I, then? I’ve always had no name, no status; in your eyes, is that okay too?”

“I didn’t think that.”

“Then make it clear.”

Lin Baixin couldn’t open her mouth, and Yu Min kept pressing.

“Speak.”

After a long, difficult moment, Lin Baixin finally moved her lips. It took her a while before the words came out: “I’m not a lesbian... I’m not sure, but I shouldn’t be...”