2023

In the cold winter night, rain drifted through the air in a fine, steady veil. It was so thin and translucent that once it passed between their gazes, it turned into a misty layer, impossible to see through no matter how hard they tried.

Chi Xiaoman lifted the back of her hand and wiped the rain haze from her face, still trying hard to look into Chen Yue’s eyes. “Really nothing happened?”

“Mm.” Chen Yue’s voice was very soft, gentle and even. She looked at Chi Xiaoman without avoiding her gaze. “She came to talk to me about some work arrangements for the end of the year.”

After a pause, she added in her usual warm voice, “It wasn’t something that needed to be discussed right away. She just happened to be here, so it was better to talk face to face.”

Chi Xiaoman fell silent. Her lashes lowered; the rain was fine, but it gathered on them like a damp curtain. “Then why were you sitting alone in the car for so long afterward?”

Her voice was very light. “I called you so many times just now, and you didn’t react at all.”

Chen Yue was still looking at her, apology in her voice. “I didn’t hear you.”

Her view was partly blurred by the shadow inside the car. “I was thinking about some things just now.”

“Work-related things, but nothing to do with the movie.” She said this to Chi Xiaoman, the corners of her mouth lifting in a proper smile. “So I might not have heard you calling me.”

Chi Xiaoman said nothing.

Chen Yue watched her quietly from inside the car.

Between their gazes lay the drifting rain haze; between them also lay the noise and bustle of the set wrapping up for the day.

The mist wasn’t heavy enough to warrant an umbrella. Chi Xiaoman tried hard to keep her eyes open and see Chen Yue more clearly.

Chen Yue looked back at her.

A long while passed.

Chen Yue spoke very slowly. “Xiaoman.”

“Mm.” Chi Xiaoman answered, straining to look at Chen Yue through the rain. “What is it?”

Chen Yue looked at her for a long time. Then she said, “It’s raining. Don’t keep standing here.”

“Okay.” Chi Xiaoman lowered her face, wiped at the rain gathering more and more on her cheeks, and said, “Then you go back in the car first. We’re almost done here anyway, so don’t come out here and keep getting rained on.”

Chen Yue paused for a moment, then nodded. “Okay.”

Compared with before she got out of the car, her expression and tone didn’t seem to have changed at all. She was still looking at Chi Xiaoman with that same indulgent gaze. “Then hurry and go inside.”

Still the same elder who always cared for her, always looked after her. As if nothing had really happened.

But Chi Xiaoman couldn’t believe it.

And she really had no way to ask further.

They were no longer in their early twenties.

Chi Xiaoman wasn’t sure whether, if she kept pressing the matter now, or stubbornly stood in the rain and confronted Chen Yue like a child... whether that would make Chen Yue annoyed, make her feel as if Chi Xiaoman had never grown up, as if she would never be able to give Chen Yue the same understanding and patience Chen Yue had always given her.

Besides, the rain haze was gradually thickening from a fine mist into something heavier. Chi Xiaoman let out a breath and stopped confronting Chen Yue. She went back under the canopy and quietly watched Chen Yue in the car.

The rain was distant and blurred; Chen Yue smiled at her from afar.

She didn’t close the window right away. Probably because she was afraid Chi Xiaoman would overthink it, she chose to keep herself within Chi Xiaoman’s line of sight.

Chi Xiaoman lowered her eyes and looked away, turning to help her coworkers clean up the wrap scene.

She didn’t want Chen Yue to be burdened by her worry to the point that she couldn’t even have a moment alone in peace.

Nine years.

Chi Xiaoman had always been learning from Chen Yue’s way of doing things, hoping to become better, hoping to become another Chen Yue. But because of that, she also understood that wanting to be someone who took everything into account would inevitably create a kind of counterforce that wore one down. She understood even more clearly—

why, back then, Chen Yue always thought too much, always couldn’t sleep in the middle of the night, always at some point fell into a vortex, locked herself away, and got herself a fever that wasn’t too serious.

Even though this realization came too late, even though the outcome later on wasn’t very satisfactory, even though Chi Xiaoman hadn’t made much progress and, years later, the moment she ran into Chen Yue, she was once again her awful self. But she still wanted to treat Chen Yue the way Chen Yue had treated her.

Not to make Chen Yue think she was reliable, mature.

She just wanted Chen Yue not to feel tired all the time from taking care of her. Not to feel pressure from her.

The winter night was bone-chilling; the wrap scene was noisy and chaotic.

Chi Xiaoman kept her head down. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Chen Yue raise the car window, and she hurriedly glanced at the darkened glass—

It was the same as before she’d gone to knock on the door.

Nothing had changed.

Chi Xiaoman looked for a while and felt that Chen Yue might still notice her gaze from inside the car, so she slowly drew back and didn’t keep looking.

Ten minutes later.

Shen Baozhi drove Shen Yin away. Chen Yue’s van started up and slowly left the set.

Only then did Chi Xiaoman dare to lift her head and look.

By then, the rain was falling hard. The black van had shrunk into a tiny shadow in the rain.

Chi Xiaoman watched that shadow disappear from view.

She stood there dazed for a while.

Then she wiped the rain from her face again.

And kept working with her head down.

-

There weren’t many hotels in town.

But Chi Xiaoman still arranged for Chen Yue to stay at the cleanest, best-equipped one, while she herself stayed on another street a little farther away, in a long-term rental B&B nearby.

During these days.

Every day after wrap, Chi Xiaoman would drive over in the old pickup she’d rented, carrying two insulated food containers, to eat dinner with Chen Yue.

After they finished, she would tidy everything up like a little bee; perhaps because she had a touch of anxiety, before leaving she would unconsciously wipe the table several times, over and over, until the surface was clean and shining again, before she could relax even a little.

That was just how Chi Xiaoman was: once she promised something, she would do it, and she would do her best to do it well.

Maybe that was why people always said she tried too hard.

No one knew whether she would still come today.

After returning to the hotel.

Chen Yue looked at the rain outside the window and thought quietly.

Then Shen Baozhi knocked on her door and cautiously sent a message:

【Sorry, Teacher Chen.】

【It was me who asked my mommy to come talk to you about this.】

【It’s okay.】 Chen Yue replied. 【I know you’re thinking about the movie.】

After sending it.

Shen Baozhi kept typing for a long time, but didn’t send another message.

Chen Yue waited patiently for a while, then again said she hadn’t felt offended by Shen Baozhi’s actions:

【And this matter really did need someone to say it out loud. You don’t need to feel too guilty.】

She was telling the truth.

Neon was the movie that Chi Xiaoman and she had waited ten years to make. She was the director; Chen Yue was the lead actor; Shen Baozhi was the producer... The machine had already started, and every day it was burning money. They all had to be responsible for the movie, responsible for the investors, and also responsible for... for Lang Lang.

Because the story of Neon wasn’t about romance. It was about female friendship, about fellow travelers, about dreams, about partners, about complex love that didn’t rely on sexual relationships. But because of Chen Yue’s own issues, Liu Shu had been made to carry too much of that romantic weight. If no one pointed it out, not only would the film turn out badly if it kept shooting this way, it might even end up with Chi Xiaoman being the first one to notice.

Compared with letting Chi Xiaoman notice first, Chen Yue would rather bear the consequences herself; she would rather Chi Xiaoman never know at all, and thus never have to worry over it the way she did.

Besides...

This trouble should have belonged to Chen Yue in the first place.

So Chen Yue told Shen Baozhi:

【Don’t tell Xiaoman about this.】

Shen Baozhi seemed truly guilty.

She immediately replied:

【Got it, Teacher Chen. I absolutely won’t say anything in front of Xiaoman this time.】

Chen Yue believed she meant it.

And she also understood that she had once again acted on her own, placing Chi Xiaoman in the position of someone kept in the dark.

But she couldn’t lightly tell Chi Xiaoman—

My love is too much. Other people have already seen it, and it has even affected the filming. I’ll sort myself out in the next while, so you don’t need to be affected by any of this.

She really didn’t seem capable of saying that.

Chen Yue looked at the rain on the glass window and thought quietly.

Then there was a knock at the door—

Once.

Twice.

Then silence.

Chen Yue lowered her eyes. After a long while, she curled her slightly stiff fingers and opened the door—

Chi Xiaoman was standing there, already in clean clothes, but perhaps she’d still been caught in a bit of rain on the way up. Her eyes were a little damp. She was holding a bag of groceries and smiling at her.

“Today we’re having clear-broth hotpot.”

Then Chen Yue suddenly understood; her own plan to adjust herself in a highly rational way, to pretend she wasn’t in love with Chi Xiaoman, to hope she could quickly push everything back onto its original track... it seemed not to be that simple.

Seeing that she wasn’t speaking, Chi Xiaoman pressed her lips together. “Sister Chen Tong, do you not want me to come over—”

“No.” Chen Yue interrupted her and smiled at her again. Her gaze fell on Chi Xiaoman’s wet lashes as she said softly, “I just didn’t expect that even with such heavy rain, you’d still come over.”

“It’s fine.” Chi Xiaoman said lightly. “I was driving anyway; I won’t get that wet inside the car.”

“Okay.”

Chen Yue let her in. When she lowered her eyes, she saw that the cuffs of Chi Xiaoman’s pants were a little wet, and she couldn’t say any more.

Chi Xiaoman didn’t seem to notice that small detail. She went in on her own; by now she was already more familiar than before with the room layout here. She found the little table, set the pot down, and took out all the dishes she’d brought.

The vegetables looked as if they had all been prepared ahead of time.

So once they were here, all they had to do was turn on the heat, add the clear-broth base they’d bought, and cook the mushrooms and greens in it.

Chen Yue came closer and looked at her for a while. “Did you get caught in the rain just now?”

“Just a little.” Chi Xiaoman said.

As if she didn’t want Chen Yue to worry about her, she added, “But I already went back and changed clothes.”

“I’m sorry.” Chen Yue looked at the wet cuffs of her pants and said quietly.

“Why are you saying that?” Chi Xiaoman looked as though she found her strange.

“Just now...” Thinking back on her own behavior, Chen Yue felt dazed; it didn’t feel like something she would do at all. Tiredly, she closed her eyes for a moment and said, “I didn’t notice, so I made you stand out in the rain. Sorry.”

Chi Xiaoman stopped what she was doing and looked at her. “Why do you need to apologize?”

She sounded exactly like the kind of thing Chen Yue herself would say. For a moment, Chen Yue was at a loss.

And Chi Xiaoman seemed to think about it for a while.

Then she said, word by word,

“It was my own idea to come and call you. Later, it was also my own idea to stand there in the rain. Why are you apologizing?”

Chen Yue couldn’t speak.

“And it was only a little rain. It’s not some huge deal.” Chi Xiaoman explained, “There’s no need to apologize.”

After that, she said nothing more. She simply turned to unpack the ingredients that had been wrapped up tightly for the trip, looking as though it took some effort, her brow tightly furrowed.

“Okay.” Chen Yue couldn’t help but accept her answer. Then she quietly let her gaze fall on Chi Xiaoman’s eyelashes and, after a pause, said,

“Xiaoman, don’t overthink things when you go back.”

Chi Xiaoman paused, then said softly, “Okay, I won’t overthink.”

Her tone was natural.

As if she really was willing to believe that nothing had happened.

Chen Yue lowered her eyes and said nothing.

Chi Xiaoman didn’t say more either.

A long time ago, people misread her as trying too hard. Many interpreted her behavior as showing off how good she was, thinking that she was maintaining a persona, that on that variety show when she saw an ordinary girl crying because she’d mentioned someone she once loved, and then cried so hard she couldn’t stop, she was only putting on a display of sympathy and trying to steal the girl’s spotlight that way.

Later, Chi Xiaoman seemed to learn how to rein herself in.

Sometimes she was noisy; sometimes quiet; sometimes overflowing with emotion as though there was a fire burning in her heart; sometimes as silent as the moon.

Right now, Chi Xiaoman seemed to be that kind of grown-up.

“Chen Yue.” Chi Xiaoman suddenly spoke. She had originally been carefully checking whether the pot was boiling, but now she shifted her gaze to Chen Yue’s face and looked at her with concern for a while before slowly saying, “It’s almost boiling.”

“The meat and vegetables are all fresh. As for the dipping sauce, since you can’t eat spicy food, I didn’t make any for you. I’ve tried this pot before; the original broth is already delicious. You should like it too. You can add more tomatoes and it’ll make the soup even fresher. As for the ingredients...”

As she spoke, she lifted each box of food up to show Chen Yue. “There are beef balls here, beef, pork, shrimp, and some vegetables. You can just put them in yourself later, depending on what you want.”

Probably worried Chen Yue might miss something she hadn’t seen, Chi Xiaoman patiently took out every dish and showed it to her one by one. After that, she arranged everything neatly before saying, “I’ll head back first.”

Chen Yue was stunned. “You’re not eating with me today?”

“Mm, I won’t.” Chi Xiaoman smiled at her. “I’ll just have a little bit when I get back.”

Chen Yue’s brow tightened. “Xiaoman—”

“Chen Yue.” Chi Xiaoman interrupted her, her tone still as soft as before. After thinking for a moment, she finally decided to smile at her in a very harmless way. “I remember your wish was to eat a few more meals with me, right?”

Chen Yue said nothing. She watched Chi Xiaoman quietly under the light.

“But I think that wish should mean—” Chi Xiaoman didn’t avoid her gaze. Her face was lit by the warm yellow light, like a cloud with no pain in it, only patience and sweetness.

“You can always have the right to eat with me, and you’ll also always have the right to eat alone whenever you want.”

She tilted her head at Chen Yue; it was very cute. “Isn’t that right?”

The crease between Chen Yue’s brows gradually smoothed.

“Xiaoman.” She called her again in a low voice. “I don’t not want to eat with you.”

Chi Xiaoman’s hands paused as she cleaned up.

“But I might indeed need to calm down and think about some things.” Chen Yue said softly.

“Okay.” Chi Xiaoman agreed. She turned and smiled at her. “It’s okay.”

“It won’t affect the movie.” Chen Yue looked into her eyes and said, “Tomorrow I’ll also try my best to sort out my mood.”

“Okay.” Chi Xiaoman nodded again and again, then softly said to her, “It’s okay.”

“Even if tomorrow still isn’t good, it’s okay too.” She looked into her eyes to emphasize it.

Then Chen Yue laughed. “Director Xiaoman, actually you can be stricter with your actress.”

Chi Xiaoman froze for a second. As if reminded of that point, she pressed her lips together, but in the end she still didn’t agree with what Chen Yue said. So she spoke softly, “I don’t think that’s necessary.”

Chen Yue tilted her head.

“Because you’re already strict enough with yourself.” Chi Xiaoman said gently.

Chen Yue went still.

“So no matter what, it’s okay.” Chi Xiaoman told her.

“If you run into any problems, even if you need to rest for a very long time, or... or something else, I’ll do my best to solve it for you.”

“Not do my best.” Chi Xiaoman added. Realizing that her words left room for doubt, she repeated them word by word. “I will definitely solve it for you.”

As she said this, she looked into Chen Yue’s eyes without shifting away, as if she had summoned up a great deal of courage just to say slowly,

“So, Teacher Chen, please believe your director once, okay?”

Like a director speaking to her actress.

Then she curved her eyes.

And also like a partner speaking to her partner. “Besides, we’re partners, aren’t we?”

“You’ve helped me so much before; now letting me help you a little isn’t a big deal.”

After saying all that.

Chi Xiaoman didn’t ask for Chen Yue’s reply. She lifted the corners of her mouth at her, then lowered her gaze, as if she was already planning to leave.

“Rainbow Sister.” Chen Yue couldn’t help calling her.

“Mm?” Chi Xiaoman probably hadn’t expected her to suddenly call her that, and turned back in confusion—

So Chen Yue looked into her eyes for a long time and smiled at her.

“Sleep well tonight too.”

Chi Xiaoman froze for a second, probably still trying to figure out the connection between that sentence and Rainbow Sister. But in the end she must not have worked it out, so she simply smiled back. Her crescent-shaped eyes were very gentle.

“Okay, you too. Sleep well.”

-

The walk downstairs wasn’t long, but Chi Xiaoman took more than ten minutes. Even after walking out of the room, she kept wanting to look back—actually, she might not have been as reliable as she claimed.

She didn’t know what had happened to Chen Yue, and because Chen Yue, who had always been strong and comprehensive, seemed to be facing some unsolved problem, Chi Xiaoman couldn’t avoid feeling a great deal of fear.

Fear that she couldn’t carry the burden for Chen Yue.

Fear that the way she acted would make Chen Yue think she was useless, and instead bring even more pressure.

Fear that although she was so eager to solve things, she didn’t have the ability to solve them.

Back in the old pickup she’d rented.

Chi Xiaoman still didn’t start the car right away.

She gripped the steering wheel and sat there dazed for a while.

Then she received a WeChat message from Chen Yue:

A photo.

Inside it was a boiling pot, with some greens and already-cooked beef in it.

It meant the other person was eating properly.

Seeing that photo.

Chi Xiaoman let out a breath.

She typed back:

【Eat well.】

Chen Yue replied: 【Okay.】

No more conversation.

Chi Xiaoman didn’t reply further.

Because she didn’t want Chen Yue to hastily put down her chopsticks just to answer her.

She hoped Chen Yue could eat quiet meals and sleep quiet nights; she wanted Chen Yue to always put her own needs first.

Their movie, the approaching filming schedule, everything after the movie ended...

Chi Xiaoman thought that if it were these problems, she could solve them herself.

Because she was already a thirty-year-old adult.

And also the director of this film, an investor, and someone with the duty and responsibility to protect the actresses in the crew.

As for what Chen Yue was thinking, what she was worrying about, what she was brooding over... Chi Xiaoman of course would still worry, and would still feel confused and afraid because of it. But if Chen Yue didn’t want to tell her...

She would also firmly defend Chen Yue’s freedom not to speak.

Chi Xiaoman waited in the car for a while.

Feeling that she had thought it through enough, she lifted her head and looked again at the light from Chen Yue’s room inside the building.

A long while passed.

She realized her eyes were a little sore.

So she rubbed them.

And slowly drove away.

-

The next day.

Filming continued as usual.

Chi Xiaoman didn’t receive any notice that Chen Yue was taking leave.

Chen Yue also arrived on set on time.

Her condition seemed no different from yesterday; when she spoke to everyone, she was still gentle and soft-spoken.

When she saw Chi Xiaoman, she also properly asked whether she’d slept well, and when she heard that she had, she nodded in relief.

Then filming began.

Every scene went smoothly.

When they were watching the monitor.

Chi Xiaoman nervously checked Chen Yue’s condition and discovered that the other woman really hadn’t shown any sign of being off; for a moment she felt a little blank and couldn’t tell whether she was overthinking again.

Shen Baozhi, standing beside her and watching the monitor with her, was silent for a moment before saying,

“I didn’t expect Teacher Chen’s condition to be this good today.”

She seemed to know something had happened with Chen Yue. Maybe even more clearly than Chi Xiaoman did.

Chi Xiaoman looked over in confusion. “Baozhi, do you know what’s wrong with Teacher Chen?”

Shen Baozhi pressed her lips together. “I know, but I can’t tell you.”

Chi Xiaoman fell silent.

Shen Baozhi looked at her and hesitantly said, “Xiaoman, don’t be mad...”

“I’m not mad.” Chi Xiaoman said softly.

Shen Baozhi pressed her lips together, seeming to be very uneasy as well.

“It’s okay.” Chi Xiaoman comforted her.

Her tone was patient.

“If Teacher Chen doesn’t want you telling others, then don’t tell them.”

Shen Baozhi hesitated before nodding. “Okay.”

Chi Xiaoman hummed in acknowledgment. She looked at Chen Yue acting with the pickup driver in the car—outside the scene, the other woman was gentle and mild, speaking softly, as if she didn’t have a temper at all.

“Baozhi.” Chi Xiaoman called her.

“Mm?” Shen Baozhi looked over nervously.

“Don’t be so tense.” Chi Xiaoman suddenly realized that Shen Baozhi was just a young woman in her twenties, and she smiled at her. “For this period, just treat Teacher Chen normally.”

Shen Baozhi blinked in confusion.

“She probably doesn’t like people taking special care of her on purpose.” Chi Xiaoman explained.

“So none of us should be too tense.”

“Okay.” The crease between Shen Baozhi’s brows eased. “Got it.”

Chi Xiaoman nodded, her voice soft. “Mm, let’s keep working.”

The weather wasn’t very good that day.

So the later shots didn’t go all that smoothly.

As the sky grew worse and worse, everyone waited for Chi Xiaoman’s decision. Just as she had said—she was now the director of this film. Whether to shoot, not to shoot, how to shoot... every decision on set, and the pressure that came after, was something she was supposed to bear.

But Chi Xiaoman wasn’t in much of a hurry either. Filming was like this; sometimes several days went by with only one difficult take, and sometimes the progress could be made up in a single day.

When the weather looked increasingly bad.

After careful consideration, Chi Xiaoman still called cut and announced that the light was poor today, so they would end early and give the crew who had been busy for a while two days off. Once the weather improved in a couple of days, they would continue shooting.

The crew wrapped in an orderly fashion.

Chi Xiaoman glanced at the pickup parked by the roadside and found that after the camera had been rolling for so long, Chen Yue was still sitting alone in the car. So she brought over two cups of ginger tea and handed one to Chen Yue through the small window.

Chen Yue took it, lowered her lashes, and took a sip.

Seeing that she had drunk a sip, Chi Xiaoman didn’t drink the other cup. She simply held it and said in a warm voice,

“We probably can’t shoot for the next two days. Go back and rest early.”

Chen Yue frowned.

“It’s because of the weather.” Chi Xiaoman explained in time. “The forecast says it might snow these next few days.”

“Will it delay the schedule?” The crease between Chen Yue’s brows didn’t loosen.

“No.” Chi Xiaoman said.

Chen Yue looked surprised, apparently not expecting her to be so certain.

“The director will find a way.” Chi Xiaoman said to her in a joking tone. “Don’t overthink it.”

Chen Yue laughed. “Okay, Director Xiaoman.”

Her tone sounded almost like she was coaxing her.

Chi Xiaoman didn’t think she was looking down on her. She just watched as Chen Yue finished the ginger tea in her hand, then handed over the other cup she had been holding the whole time. “If you can drink more, then have another cup.”

Chen Yue froze.

“It’s so cold these few days; it’s easy to catch a cold.” Chi Xiaoman said. “Drink a few more cups to drive out the cold.”

“Okay.”

Chen Yue didn’t refuse. She took it and slowly, slowly continued drinking the second cup of ginger tea.

Chi Xiaoman didn’t keep watching her.

During the moments when Chen Yue was drinking, she took a half-step back. “Raise the window. Don’t let the cold wind blow on you.”

Chen Yue said nothing.

She drank another sip slowly.

Then, lowering her eyes, she slowly finished the ginger tea.

Only then did Chi Xiaoman relax.

She didn’t keep circling around Chen Yue. Turning around, she went back into the tent where the monitor was set up and discussed the shooting plan for the rest of the day with the on-set director.

They talked for a while.

Chen Yue lifted the tent flap and came in.

She was wrapped in a down jacket, and whether it was from too much cold wind or not, her face looked a little pale.

Chi Xiaoman hurried over to pull the tent flap down. Looking at the time, she saw that about half an hour had passed, and she looked at Chen Yue a little surprised. “Why haven’t you gone back to rest yet?”

“I wanted to look at today’s footage.” Chen Yue said softly.

During the filming of this movie, Chen Yue very rarely came to look at the monitor. Usually it was Chi Xiaoman and Shen Baozhi who checked it.

Today she wanted to see it.

Chi Xiaoman thought it was strange.

But she couldn’t stop her, so she gave up the seat and pulled up today’s footage, letting it play on the small monitor.

“There’s nothing wrong with today’s footage.” Chi Xiaoman was afraid she would think too much, so she took the initiative to explain. “Baozhi also said your condition today was very good.”

“Is that so?” Chen Yue’s voice was very light.

“It is.” Chi Xiaoman said.

While the footage played, she quietly looked at Chen Yue’s face—

The tent was brightly lit.

But Chen Yue was sitting on a stool.

Her lashes were lowered, and her face was cast in shadow from the tent fabric, making it hard to see clearly.

Chi Xiaoman couldn’t tell whether she was satisfied or not.

After a while.

All the footage finished playing.

Chi Xiaoman realized she had been looking at Chen Yue for far too long, so she turned her head away and stopped looking, instead watching the paused frame on the small screen—the scene where Liu Shu was in the car, asking the pickup driver to turn back around again, after finding Li Xiaoyu crying by the roadside.

The weather was gloomy, the air saturated so heavily it felt like a monochrome silent film washed in gray. Liu Shu sat in the car, her hair blown messy, her face pale and dull, her gaze toward Xiaoyu slightly blurred.

“Want to watch it again?” Chi Xiaoman asked.

Chen Yue was quiet for a moment before saying, “No need.”

After saying that.

She turned her face toward Chi Xiaoman and smiled, her voice gentle. “There’s nothing wrong. If we’re not filming anymore after this, I’ll go back and rest first.”

Chi Xiaoman froze.

It was rare for Chen Yue to take the initiative to leave early.

“Okay.” Chi Xiaoman stood up in a hurry, worried but not daring to show too much of it. “Will Xiao Qi send you back?”

“Mm.” Chen Yue smiled.

Then, as if afraid Chi Xiaoman would worry,

she looked at her for a while.

And reached over to lightly touch her face. “Don’t worry about me.”

Just like before.

But her hand was very cold.

And it withdrew very quickly.

Chi Xiaoman pressed her lips together.

But for the moment, she had no way to say more.

She sent Chen Yue out, watched Chen Yue get into the car, and as yesterday, watched that black van slowly pull away from the filming site.

She curled her fingers.

For a long time.

She didn’t take her eyes off it.

-

The ride to the hotel was very short, and the rain was falling in fine strands; it was obvious the wind outside was extremely cold.

Chen Yue stared at the water haze on the car window and said nothing.

Xiao Qi drove, sneaking a glance at her in the rearview mirror, then hesitantly said, “Sis, how about I ask the crew for a few more days off so you can go back and really rest a few days this time?”

“No need.” Chen Yue said.

She pulled herself back from her thoughts, rubbed her forehead tiredly, and sat dazed for a while.

“Don’t worry, I’m not that fragile.”

Xiao Qi looked like she wanted to say something, then stopped.

After so many years together, to be honest, she understood Chen Yue’s nature well enough. She knew this actress, who was always good-tempered and easy to talk to on the outside, could be impossibly stubborn once she made up her mind; nobody could persuade her. And... most of the time, she was only stubborn about her own matters.

“Do I look really bad right now?” Chen Yue asked after a silence.

“No.” Xiao Qi shook her head. “It’s just that Sister Shen told me to take good care of you before she left.”

“She was afraid you had something bottled up inside and wouldn’t say it, and that you’d end up bottling yourself to death.”

It seemed Shen Yin hadn’t told her what exactly had happened.

Chen Yue calmly watched the water haze on the car window. The streetscape changed, and for a moment it reflected her own face.

She didn’t regret her decision.

Even though she knew that, no matter what happened, and no matter whether Chi Xiaoman knew what had happened or not, Chi Xiaoman would at least give her the right to rest.

But Chen Yue knew very clearly—

rest wouldn’t help.

She simply wouldn’t stop.

Seeing Chi Xiaoman would make her want to touch her face, would make her want to know whether she was dressed warmly.

Seeing her smile at her would make her want to keep looking a little longer.

Seeing her bring over two cups of ginger tea would make her choose, in her own willful way, to drink both down.

For the first time.

Chen Yue really didn’t know how to handle the problem that had appeared within herself.

But she also didn’t regret choosing to hide it.

Because Chen Yue was that kind of person.

If there were a switch in front of her that, if pressed, would make her stop loving Chi Xiaoman.

She wouldn’t press it.

And she also couldn’t turn and walk away.

Just like a long time ago—she had gone into a building she disliked to work, and during that long, blank stretch of years, she had been unable to devote herself entirely to herself, and also unable to leave.

Chen Yue knew her flaw well: at crucial moments, she always wanted to make the choice that balanced both sides.

So time and again she delayed making a decision, and in the end could only choose, painfully and numbly, to stay where she was.

“If necessary, I’ll take leave from the crew.” After a long while, Chen Yue had no choice but to say this.

Xiao Qi was quiet for a long time. She looked at her, as if wanting to persuade her, but probably knowing that no persuasion would work, she could only sigh and say, “Okay.”

Back in the hotel room.

Before closing the door.

Chen Yue told Xiao Qi, “Same as today; there’s no need to come find me for dinner.”

“But Director Xiaoman is sending the art department head back into the city today, so she may not be able to come over.” Xiao Qi reminded her carefully.

The two of them eating together had never been something they intended to hide. So everyone on the crew basically knew that every night, Chi Xiaoman would bring food to the room to eat with Chen Yue. They were completely aboveboard about it, using their own private money, so there was no need to hide it.

“Mm, I know.” Chen Yue nodded and smiled at her. “It’s okay. I just want to be alone for a while.”

“Okay.” Xiao Qi relaxed her furrowed brow. “Then rest well. If anything comes up, you can look for me.”

“Okay.” Chen Yue agreed.

After that, she watched Xiao Qi leave.

Closed the door.

For a long time.

Chen Yue lowered her eyes and stared at the door in exhaustion for a while, then took a shower and changed clothes. When she came out, she saw the pot Chi Xiaoman had left behind yesterday, along with some unfinished dishes. They had already been washed, but not put away, and she hadn’t returned them to Chi Xiaoman either.

She might need to return them in a few days.

But right now Chen Yue didn’t want to do anything.

She lay down on the bed, locked the door and windows, checked three times, then quietly curled up like a soft-bodied creature retreating into its shell, hugging herself. She didn’t sleep; she didn’t open her eyes; she didn’t want to eat.

She didn’t contact anyone.

Maybe Shen Yin would ask Xiao Qi how she was doing today, but Chen Yue didn’t want to think about that either.

She thought about many random things from the past. She thought about the faded red T-shirt Chi Xiaoman used to love wearing, about Chi Xiaoman’s bathroom renovation fund, about the word Neon Chi Xiaoman had written in corrugated cardboard under Felicity Noodle Shop, about basement parking garage No. 5 in Xingfu Road Lane...

She also thought about many purposeless things in the present. She thought about the sweatshirt Chi Xiaoman had lent her and she still hadn’t returned, about the hotel room with the cleanest bathroom that Chi Xiaoman had deliberately left for her, about Chi Xiaoman crouching beside the road and carefully writing, stroke by stroke, on the official black clapperboard: Xiaoman, Lang Lang, Chen Yue, about the fine strands of hair Chi Xiaoman had blown up by the wind while writing, about the movie they had finally managed to shoot up to this point...

And in the end, she thought—

Starting tomorrow, she would not love Chi Xiaoman anymore.

Chen Yue curled her legs in.

Her long hair spilled around her, and she buried her face in her knees.

She kept that posture.

For a long time.

Her whole body went numb, and then even her heart went numb along with it; it would no longer uncontrollably produce so much pain and unwillingness.

Then she thought again—

Actually, it wasn’t necessary to stop loving Chi Xiaoman.

It was just that she couldn’t let it look like she loved Chi Xiaoman on camera. And she also couldn’t let Chi Xiaoman suffer more hurt because of her words, behavior, and attitude.

As long as she could do that.

Then no one would get hurt.

Chen Yue longed to be able to do that.

Then there was a knock at the door—

Once.

Twice.

Then it fell silent.

Chen Yue slowly opened her eyes.

She stared blankly at the gloomy gray sky outside the window—

Probably hoping that when she opened her eyes, her vision would be bright, Chi Xiaoman had chosen a room with a very open view for her.

Looking at it now, the effect was very good. Even though there was no sun today.

Chen Yue thought very quietly.

She didn’t go to open the door.

The door wasn’t knocked on again either.

Chen Yue closed her eyes once more.

The person outside the door had gone quiet.

Maybe she didn’t want to disturb Chen Yue’s rest.

Chen Yue was like a spider trapped inside a blanket, remaining motionless for a long time.

Because Chi Xiaoman would forgive her.

Because Chi Xiaoman would give her the right to eat together, or to stay alone in peace.

Because Chi Xiaoman would know that if she didn’t open the door, it meant she didn’t want to do anything.

Just as she’d thought.

Chi Xiaoman didn’t knock again.

Chen Yue quieted down. Her breathing was slow, her heartbeat slow too. But the numbness in her limbs gradually receded because of it.

After a long while.

Chen Yue suddenly got out of bed again.

And opened the door—

Dim yellow light slowly stabbed in, piercing the chill inside the room. Chi Xiaoman was standing at the doorway, wearing a down jacket in a low-saturation color that made her neither glaring nor bright. Her hair had grown quite a bit during this period, almost reaching her waist. The ends were a little curled, bouncing lightly, pale and beautiful under the light.

She had been standing quietly at the door, probably not expecting Chen Yue to open it after all, so for an instant her face was filled with confusion.

But after that.

She reacted, first glancing at the time before explaining to her, “Well, I’m going to take Aunt Fang to catch a flight in ten minutes.”

It also seemed as if she hadn’t been waiting at her door for very long, only just arrived and looking a little flustered.

“So I wanted to come ask you—”

She scratched her chin, realizing she looked as though she was avoiding something, and then tried hard to meet Chen Yue’s eyes. “Sister Chen Tong, if you don’t have anything going on...”

Her tone was a little hesitant.

“Do you want to go out for a walk with me, just for a bit?”

[Author’s Note]

On time for Little Neon’s fifty-fourth-day update [sunglasses][sunglasses][sunglasses] (sunglasses on hard)