2023

Neon, Scene 52, Shot 3.

The highway stretched toward the horizon; wind and sand drifted through the dusk.

Liu Shu lowered her head, her face pale. With the pickup’s driver, she lifted her battered wheelchair into the back of the truck; then she opened the passenger door herself and climbed into the front.

The pickup pulled out onto the asphalt. Liu Shu leaned sideways in the passenger seat, staring at the road ahead with a tired, stubborn look. She rolled down the window. The wind rushed in, and under its chill she gradually began to struggle for breath. Covering her face, she coughed hard and desperately, like a scrap of paper that could be pierced through with holes at the slightest touch.

Behind her shoulder, in the bed of the red pickup, was the brilliant golden dusk; and the gas station, shrinking into the distance.

And.

Li Xiaoyu, still standing in the gas station’s fast-food shop, money in hand, frozen in place.

Liu Shu in the red pickup did not look back.

Li Xiaoyu, behind the red pickup, hurriedly paid, then ran out of the fast-food shop with a burger bag in her mouth and two cokes in her hands. She staggered a few steps in her daze, black hair whipped up by the wind.

After running a few steps, she stopped in place, slowly shrinking into a blue dot.

That blue dot shrank on the wide road until it was no bigger than a spider, staring from afar at the slowly pulling away red spider.

“Cut——”

The order came through the noisy speakers. The crowd that had been holding its breath behind the camera immediately surged forward; some went to touch up makeup, some to reset props.

It was already December, and the temperature was below ten degrees.

Chi Xiaoman had just run that long stretch. After stopping, she could only hunch over on the asphalt and breathe out a puff of white mist.

She was wearing a loose, faded T-shirt.

She had been standing by off camera for so long just now, and after running a few more steps in the cold wind, her lips had gone pale. Her whole body wouldn’t stop shaking; she could barely hold the two cups of ice-cold Coke in her hands.

A production assistant hurried over with a down jacket. “Director Xiaoman, hurry up and put this on.”

“Thanks.” Chi Xiaoman pressed her lips together. Still panting, she raised her head with difficulty and saw the pickup slowly driving back from the far end of the road. Chen Yue in the passenger seat was also wearing a thin T-shirt, her face blown pale by the cold wind, far too pale.

“Forget it.” Chi Xiaoman shook her head.

She pushed away the down jacket that had already been handed to her and said gently to the production assistant, “Take it to Teacher Chen first.”

The assistant paused. Seeing that she insisted, she said nothing more, turned to the truck, opened the door, and passed the jacket inside.

In the highway section, Liu Shu’s condition needed to be worse than it was in the rented apartment. So during this period, Chen Yue had lost even more weight; the flesh over her cheekbones had hollowed out, and her whole body had become as thin as a sheet of paper.

Now, with the winter wind sweeping over the highway, her face went frighteningly white.

She accepted the down jacket from the production assistant and said, “Thanks,” then looked back through the window toward Chi Xiaoman, as if noticing that Chi Xiaoman still hadn’t put on her own coat and frowning tightly.

Chi Xiaoman smiled at her.

There was really no need to keep pushing the jacket back and forth.

Soon another production assistant came over and draped a second down jacket over the slightly bent-over Chi Xiaoman.

Warmth washed over her; the wind was blocked.

Chi Xiaoman tucked herself into the down jacket and slowly straightened up, smiling at Chen Yue in the truck.

Only then did Chen Yue gradually smooth the crease from her brow.

“Director Xiaoman, let me hold these.” The production assistant came to take the ice-filled Cokes from Chi Xiaoman and, at the same time, passed her a hot-water bottle.

Chi Xiaoman glanced at the other person’s fingers, red from the cold as well, and shook her head.

“It’s fine. I’ll put them away myself.”

She didn’t take the hot-water bottle. Instead, she walked over and set the two iced Cokes on top of a prop box, then tucked herself back into the down jacket and went over to the monitor to check the footage they’d just shot.

Neon was set almost entirely in summer, so the film’s color palette also centered on summer colors. That meant every detail visible on camera had to hold up. Besides requiring the actors on screen to wear only short sleeves, it also demanded that their expressions and postures never make viewers feel “cold”; they even had to convey a sticky, oppressive heat.

Once the down jacket was on, Chi Xiaoman’s body temperature gradually recovered.

She examined the monitor carefully, found no problems, and nodded, telling the assistant director to prepare the next scene.

Then.

A cup of ginger tea was held out in front of her.

Still steaming.

Held by a pair of beautiful, slender hands.

“Thanks.” Chi Xiaoman froze for a moment.

She accepted the ginger tea, glanced at that hand, and once again felt how much thinner Chen Yue had become. At the very least, there was almost no flesh left on the back of her hand; the blue veins seemed covered only by a thin layer of skin.

She took a sip of ginger tea and looked up at Chen Yue.

Chen Yue smiled at her. “How was that scene just now?”

“It works.” Chi Xiaoman said, then looked at Chen Yue’s still somewhat sallow, tired face.

But Chen Yue only smiled at her. “Why have you been looking at me like this lately?”

Chi Xiaoman said nothing.

Maybe because she was too immersed in the role.

Or maybe because Chen Yue had suffered so much in this film.

So much that whenever Chi Xiaoman looked at her, she felt something close to a tearing ache. But she couldn’t tell whether it was Xiaoyu inside her grieving for the departing Liu Shu, or whether it was Chi Xiaoman herself feeling sad.

“Chen Yue.”

After drinking a few sips of ginger tea, Chi Xiaoman lowered her eyes and asked, “Do you think you can handle the pace of filming lately?”

“It’s fine.” Chen Yue said.

Chi Xiaoman was still worried.

In truth, art films are basically carried by the actors. The emotional toll on them is already heavy enough. On top of that, for Chen Yue, this film wasn’t only emotionally draining; it was physically draining too.

Chi Xiaoman watched her grow thinner and thinner, her condition more and more subdued, and couldn’t stop worrying.

Their shooting schedule in Guizhou was only halfway through. There was still another half to go.

“Director Xiaoman.” Chen Yue suddenly called to her, “What are we eating tonight?”

Chi Xiaoman was startled. After a long moment, she answered, “Eating... clear broth hotpot, okay?”

“Clear-broth hotpot?” Chen Yue laughed. “Are you going into town to the supermarket?”

The highway sections had many transition shots. They needed remote locations, and they also needed cities full of traffic and people. So the Guizhou shoot involved especially many moves and relocations.

A while ago, they had already shot part of it in the city. The section they were filming now needed a very bright, very wide landscape, so the location they chose was fairly remote.

To make sure they could keep to the daily shooting schedule, they had no choice but to stay in the nearby small town. The production’s crowd had already filled the town’s guesthouses and little hotels.

These days, both the filming conditions and living conditions weren’t very good.

Chi Xiaoman was afraid that after Chen Yue worked so hard on set, she still wouldn’t eat or sleep well when she got back, so whenever they wrapped for the day she would always go into town to buy some groceries and see what they could eat that would be a little more nourishing.

“I went yesterday, and I already bought the ingredients.” Chi Xiaoman said.

“Okay.” Chen Yue looked at her and said softly, “Then clear-broth hotpot it is.”

“Okay.” Chi Xiaoman agreed.

Then she suddenly remembered the topic Chen Yue had interrupted, and wanted to ask again—

But Chen Yue spoke first.

“Don’t worry about me too much.”

“This is my job.” She emphasized, then looked at Chi Xiaoman with a gentler gaze. “I’ll take care of myself.”

Chi Xiaoman frowned slightly, still wanting to say something.

But just then the assistant director called out; the next scene was ready to shoot.

So Chen Yue looked at her for a moment, then suddenly reached out and lightly patted her head, smiling with narrowed eyes.

“Your scene is up, Director Xiaoman.”

“Alright.”

The set was ready, everyone was waiting. Chi Xiaoman had no way to say anything else to Chen Yue, so she had to give in.

“But if anything feels wrong, you have to tell me.”

She said that.

Chen Yue nodded, and after Chi Xiaoman stepped into frame, she kept watching her with a soft gaze.

Chi Xiaoman slowly let out a breath.

She walked into the shot.

Unable to help herself, she turned back and glanced at Chen Yue.

Chen Yue was standing behind the camera, surrounded by many people. But she looked at her, smiling the whole time.

It was impossible to tell whether Liu Shu was looking at Xiaoyu,

or Chen Yue was looking at Chi Xiaoman.

“Action——”

Chi Xiaoman had her back to the camera, her back to Chen Yue, yet she felt as if she could see Chen Yue behind her. Her chest felt empty, her stomach felt empty; everything she could see felt empty.

This was a solo crying scene for Chi Xiaoman.

Because Liu Shu’s condition was getting worse and worse, and on the road she kept vomiting and curling up in pain. Xiaoyu, who had once been determined to take her to Hong Kong, had by then started doubting herself.

This scene was after Liu Shu had abandoned her again. For the first time, she didn’t go after her. Instead, she collapsed on the roadside herself. From initial confusion to later doubt, self-reproach, and finally breaking into audible sobs.

Crying scenes, and the buildup to them, always gave the actor enough time.

This time, the world inside the frame contained only Chi Xiaoman. She had no anchor, and yet it also felt as though there were an anchor that had never left.

She faced away from everyone, away from Chen Yue, staring alone at the endless road. She sat there in silence for a long time. The tears started as a single drop, were wiped away, then finally came flooding down.

In the end they suddenly became unstoppable.

One take, done.

The assistant director called, “Cut——”

Chi Xiaoman didn’t get up.

The winter wind was bleak by the roadside, and the trees in the distance swayed in it. She sat there alone, still wearing short sleeves. Her hands were red from the cold, but she was still hugging her knees and slowly sobbing.

The assistant director called to her from outside the frame, “Director Xiaoman, is there any problem?”

“Mm, okay.” Chi Xiaoman responded with some effort, still with her back to the whole crew.

So the production assistant who had been carrying the hot-water bottle came over, quickly draped the down jacket over her again, then stood nearby and patted her shoulder cautiously. “Director Xiaoman, are you all right?”

Chi Xiaoman shook her head. She wanted to say she was fine, but the tears still wouldn’t stop.

Her eyes were red.

Her whole body was cold, but because of the crying scene just now she was still shaking uncontrollably.

The production assistant stood beside her, at a loss and visibly flustered.

“I, I’m fine...” Chi Xiaoman struggled to steady herself. “Y-you go rest, rest...”

She forced those words out.

Hugging her knees, fingers curled in, she lowered her eyes and still felt as if her heart had turned into a spoiled lemon, being squeezed hard by someone, forcing out grief and pain like liquid.

Then someone walked up in front of her. Their shadow fell at her toes, soft and light.

No one spoke.

Just looking at the shadow was already too much for Chi Xiaoman.

The tears she had just barely held back instantly spilled out again.

As if there were a little fish inside her, crying desperately.

Chi Xiaoman lowered her head.

She didn’t dare look at Chen Yue, and cried even harder, even beginning to shake.

Chen Yue watched her for a while, then slowly crouched down and wrapped her arms around her from the side. “It’s okay. I’m here.”

The woman’s body heat enveloped her, pushing back the cold. Yet it also let Chi Xiaoman feel very clearly that the other person was really, really thin. There were many cameras behind them, many eyes watching.

But Chi Xiaoman couldn’t hold back.

Like grasping a lifesaving straw, she hugged Chen Yue back, sobbing and crying, and said in a very, very small voice, “Liu Shu, can you not leave?”

Chen Yue paused.

She lifted the down jacket that had slipped off her a little, pulled it higher, wrapped her whole body around Chi Xiaoman, pressed her face to Chi Xiaoman’s face, and as her own body heat slowly went from cool to warm, she whispered softly by her ear, “Okay. I won’t leave.”

Actors getting stuck in a role happens all the time. It isn’t really a big deal.

But that day.

Chen Yue still held Chi Xiaoman like this, coaxing her for a long time, again and again, patiently telling her: I won’t leave.

So Chi Xiaoman went from sobbing at first to gradually calming down. When she realized she had soaked Chen Yue’s collar with her tears, she hurriedly wiped her face in a panic, turned her head aside, and looked up at Chen Yue’s face. “Y-you cold?”

Her voice was still trembling.

Her eyes were still red.

Even the rims of her eyes had swollen from all the crying.

Chen Yue’s hand, which had been patting her head, stopped. Lowering her lashes, she said softly,

“I’m not cold.”

“Mm, mm, that’s good.”

Chi Xiaoman finally steadied herself enough to look around. There were many people watching them, waiting for them.

“I-I’m okay now.” Chi Xiaoman wiped the cooled tears from her face and noticed that Chen Yue’s chin was also dotted with her tears.

She wanted to reach out and wipe them off.

But after extending her hand, she drew it back in a rush, turned her face away, and wiped at her own face at random. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.” Chen Yue said this in a tone that was hard to read. But she was still looking at Chi Xiaoman with concern. “Feeling better now?”

“Much better.” Chi Xiaoman exhaled.

Only then did the hand on her back slowly withdraw. “That’s good.”

Chen Yue wiped the corners of her eyes for her. “After today, get some good rest.”

Her fingers were soft; the pressure of her fingertips was very light.

Chi Xiaoman lowered her eyes and said,

“Okay.”

There were too many people on set. The two of them sat quietly side by side for a while by the roadside, and after that they didn’t hug again. Chi Xiaoman also didn’t cry anymore. They sat there, their backs looking like Xiaoyu and Liu Shu, or like Chi Xiaoman and Chen Yue.

Shen Baozhi had only just arrived on set that morning, and this was what she saw. She asked the assistant director beside her what had happened, then went to check today’s footage. After looking through the day’s takes, she stared thoughtfully at the two backs for a while, then went off to make a phone call.

With Chen Yue’s comfort, Chi Xiaoman worked hard to calm herself. Finding that it was about time for the noon break, she told everyone to go rest.

Chen Yue was called away by Xiao Qi to the car.

Chi Xiaoman stood quietly on set for a moment, and when she saw Shen Baozhi looking at the monitor in the rest tent, she walked over.

“Have you seen today’s footage?”

“I have.” Shen Baozhi nodded. After a pause, she called her, “Xiaoman.”

“Mm?” Chi Xiaoman opened a bottle of mineral water and used her hands to wash her eyes. “What is it?”

Shen Baozhi didn’t speak.

She rarely had such quiet moments.

After Chi Xiaoman finished washing her eyes and turned around, she looked at her with some confusion.

Shen Baozhi seemed distracted. Seeing Chi Xiaoman looking over, she smiled.

“I just wanted to tell you that my mommy may come over this afternoon.”

“This afternoon?” Chi Xiaoman suddenly felt a little tense. “She’s coming to see Chen Yue?”

“Mm, she’s just coming to check on Teacher Chen.” Shen Baozhi explained. “Don’t be nervous. I’ve already told her; nothing like what happened last time will happen again.”

“I know.” Chi Xiaoman pressed her lips together. “Have you arranged a place for her to stay? If not, I—”

“She won’t be staying here.” Shen Baozhi interrupted her. “She’s just passing by and dropping in to take a look.”

“Okay.” Chi Xiaoman nodded.

Shen Baozhi didn’t say anything more.

She smiled at her. “Director Xiaoman, you’ve worked hard. Get some good rest at noon.”

With that.

She handed Chi Xiaoman a tissue for her eyes and lifted the tent flap to go out.

Lunch break.

Chi Xiaoman was alone in the tent. After washing her eyes and wiping them dry, she thought she might as well go over the afternoon script again.

Come to think of it.

She and Shen Yin had basically never had direct contact.

The only time they’d been in touch was last time, when the other woman called Shen Baozhi and asked her to pass along a message to Chi Xiaoman: if she didn’t confirm the start of filming as soon as possible, they wouldn’t reserve Chen Yue’s schedule. Though it was later confirmed to have been a misunderstanding.

But now that she thought of Shen Yin coming over this afternoon.

Chi Xiaoman suddenly felt a little nervous again.

For reasons she couldn’t quite explain, she desperately wanted to perform well in front of Shen Yin and leave a good impression on her—

That she was a competent actor, and also a director who wasn’t too harsh on actors; that throughout the filming of the entire movie, she hadn’t wasted Chen Yue’s time, and hadn’t forced Chen Yue to compromise.

Chi Xiaoman wanted Shen Yin to think that.

So she could only use the lunch break to prepare once more for the afternoon scenes in advance.

It was almost halfway through lunch when—

the tent flap was lifted.

Chen Yue walked in and saw that she was still holding the script. “Why aren’t you eating?”

“I was planning to read the script for a bit, then eat.” Chi Xiaoman said, then asked, “Have you eaten?”

“Mm.” Chen Yue moved a chair over and sat in front of her, carefully inspecting her eyes.

“After crying for so long, do your eyes hurt?”

Her tone was very gentle.

“They don’t.” Chi Xiaoman remembered how she had just been crying in Chen Yue’s arms until she could barely catch her breath, and felt a little embarrassed. She covered her eyes a bit. “Just a little sore.”

Chen Yue was amused by the way she blocked her own eyes, but she didn’t say anything. She just set the meal she’d brought on the box in front of her and said softly, “Eat first.”

The rest tent was filled with the steaming smell of food. Chi Xiaoman carefully moved her hand away from her eyes. “Okay.”

Chen Yue’s eyes curved. “Don’t worry, I won’t laugh at you.”

Chi Xiaoman only grew more embarrassed. “I never thought you would laugh at me.”

Chen Yue gave a quiet “Mm.” “Then eat first.”

It was the tone of an elder reminding a younger one.

Chi Xiaoman obediently broke open her chopsticks and started eating the portion placed in front of her.

After a few bites.

She remembered what Shen Baozhi had just said. “Oh, right. Did you know your manager is coming over this afternoon?”

Chen Yue was peeling an egg for her.

Hearing that, Chen Yue paused. “I didn’t know.”

She said she didn’t know,

but she also didn’t seem surprised at all.

Chi Xiaoman nodded. “Baozhi said she’s just passing by and came to see you.”

Chen Yue didn’t speak.

“I was thinking...” Chi Xiaoman hesitated before continuing. “Is it because there’s something you need your manager to help communicate with the crew—”

“No.” Chen Yue denied it.

Then she looked up at her and smiled. “She probably really is just coming to see you. Don’t overthink it.”

Chi Xiaoman nodded. She felt there was no need to imagine danger everywhere, so she fell quiet and kept eating.

Chen Yue finished peeling the egg for her.

Then she handed it over. “Roll this over your eyes. They’ll hurt when you go to sleep tonight otherwise.”

“Okay.” Chi Xiaoman took it.

The meal was almost finished.

So she simply put down her chopsticks and rolled the egg around and around her eyes.

By halfway through Neon’s shooting period, Chi Xiaoman had made a lot of progress in getting along with Chen Yue. She would also calmly accept Chen Yue’s kindness in daily life.

The number of times she said “thank you” and “I’m sorry” to her had become fewer and fewer. Every night at dinner she would even pick dishes for her, and would also, as she had just done, seek her out as a lifesaving straw when necessary.

Maybe it was related to the story’s progress; Chi Xiaoman had become immersed in the role and gradually started to resemble Li Xiaoyu, more willing to open herself up.

Or maybe it was because of Chen Yue’s repeated “It’s fine.” Chi Xiaoman was willing to hug her, and willing to expose the self hidden beneath that sheet of glass.

Chen Yue looked at Chi Xiaoman obediently rolling the egg in front of her and remembered how, just moments ago, she had been shrinking in her arms, crying many tears, her eyes red as she called her, “Liu Shu, can you not leave?”

She suddenly felt there was no need to be unhappy over something like this.

Whether or not Chi Xiaoman’s immersion in the role had influenced her and made her lower her guard.

Chen Yue told herself in her heart—

It really doesn’t matter.

If necessary, she was also willing for Chi Xiaoman to treat her like Liu Shu, to pity her, to come closer.

“Chen Yue.” Chi Xiaoman suddenly called her.

“Mm?” Chen Yue came back to herself.

She saw that Chi Xiaoman was still obediently rolling the egg around the area of her eye sockets.

As if, if she didn’t say stop, Chi Xiaoman would keep up this adorable repetitive labor.

“What is it?” Chen Yue asked patiently.

“I just wanted to say...” Chi Xiaoman lifted her head, rolling the egg. “Like this morning’s situation, I’ll try my best not to let it happen again.”

“What situation?” Chen Yue looked at her.

“Treating you like Liu Shu.” Chi Xiaoman said simply. Then, as if sensing the pause in her words, she rolled the egg and scrunched up her face.

“I just thought of it and felt it wasn’t very good.”

She seemed to be thinking as she spoke slowly, “A role is a role; an actor is an actor.”

Her tone was serious. “I think we still need to distinguish them clearly. From now on, I’ll also try to use other methods to get out of a role.”

Her tone was perfectly ordinary.

That was just how Chi Xiaoman was. She was willing to spend every ounce of effort to play a role well, but she also firmly believed that there was a very clear boundary between a role and an actor.

Anyone had to protect that boundary in order to protect themselves.

Chen Yue didn’t speak for a long time.

So Chi Xiaoman thought it was strange, took the egg away, and looked at her. “Why aren’t you talking?”

“It’s nothing.” Chen Yue shook her head and gave a low laugh. “I understand what you mean.”

Chi Xiaoman looked at her, as if feeling again that there was something she wasn’t saying, but in the end she didn’t ask.

After a while.

She put the cooled egg back over her eyes and rolled it around, saying,

“Mm, that’s good.”

So Chen Yue laughed.

She reached out and took the egg from Chi Xiaoman’s hand.

Chi Xiaoman was always very obedient in front of her. If Chen Yue wanted to take it, she would hand it over docilely. After giving it up, she blinked at her red, swollen eyes.

“What is it?”

Her voice was also very soft.

“Nothing.”

Chen Yue leaned closer.

She studied Chi Xiaoman’s red eyes carefully. “It’s just that you didn’t do it right. Let me help you.”

“Mm?” Chi Xiaoman was a little embarrassed. “I can do it myself—”

“Close your eyes.” Chen Yue said.

Chi Xiaoman looked at her for a moment. Apparently at a loss, she had no choice but to close her eyes in a fluster.

Chen Yue pressed the egg against her eyes.

So Chi Xiaoman stopped talking.

She tightened her jaw, placed both hands obediently on her knees, and tilted her face up, squinting slightly as she quietly cooperated with Chen Yue’s movements.

Chen Yue rolled it a few times for her.

Only then did she pull the egg away a little and check her eyes again.

Chi Xiaoman half-opened her eyelids and looked at her secretly, asking in a very small voice, “Is it okay?”

Chen Yue laughed aloud.

Chi Xiaoman probably didn’t understand why she was laughing, and tilted her head in confusion.

“No.”

Still laughing, Chen Yue gently pressed the round little egg back against her eyelids.

So Chi Xiaoman closed her eyes again in a hurry.

Like a flustered but very obedient cat. Chen Yue couldn’t help thinking that again.

-

At two in the afternoon, the crew resumed work on schedule.

Maybe because of the noon rest and reset, the afternoon shoot went smoothly.

There was no repeat of the morning’s can’t-leave-the-role situation.

Most takes were one-and-done.

When all the day’s material had finally been shot, Chi Xiaoman let out a slight breath, put on her down jacket, and walked out of the frame. Then she saw that there was a woman standing beside Shen Baozhi.

The night lights were faint; the crowd was dispersing.

The woman was wearing a down jacket, her features very similar to Shen Baozhi’s, wrinkles at the corners of her eyes. She was carrying a bag that looked very expensive and smiling as she pinched Shen Baozhi’s face.

It should be Shen Yin.

Chi Xiaoman carried her down jacket and walked out of the frame together with Chen Yue, then slowly walked over.

Probably noticing them from far away,

Shen Yin looked over too.

When they got close.

Shen Yin first smiled and called to her, “Director Xiaoman, thank you for taking care of our baby these past few days.”

Shen Baozhi pouted beside her. “I already told you not to call me baby outside.”

“What’s wrong with that?”

Shen Yin turned her head to look at her and sighed. “You grew up and don’t want to be mommy’s baby anymore?”

Chi Xiaoman stood before the two of them, awkwardly worrying at her fingers. Before meeting Shen Baozhi, she had only encountered this kind of mother in film and television dramas; mothers who sweetly called their twenty-something daughters “baby.”

Most of the time, the mothers she heard about from people her own age were probably like Chen Yue’s mother: stern on the surface, but also bringing their hardworking daughter a cup of milk or herbal tea.

Chi Xiaoman didn’t know which kind her own mother would have been if she had grown up with her.

Chen Yue suddenly patted her head.

Chi Xiaoman looked up blankly.

The light was warm yellow. Chen Yue looked at her gently, a candy lying in the palm of her outstretched hand.

Chi Xiaoman pressed her lips together.

Chen Yue extended her hand a little farther. “The little daughter of the cinematographer gave it to me just now.”

Her voice was soft. “Isn’t strawberry flavor your favorite?”

Chi Xiaoman lowered her gaze.

She lowered her head and took the candy from Chen Yue’s palm.

She wanted to say thank you.

But before she could,

Chen Yue had already patted her head first and said in a warm voice,

“You’re welcome.”

So Chi Xiaoman could not speak.

She stood stupidly in the cold winter wind, stupidly holding that precious piece of candy.

Chen Yue didn’t say anything more. She stood quietly in the cold wind, waiting for Shen Baozhi and Shen Yin to finish speaking, then asked patiently, “Wasn’t there something you wanted to talk to me about?”

“Oh, right.” Shen Yin came back to herself. First she looked at Chi Xiaoman, her gaze gentle.

“Mostly I wanted to apologize to Director Xiaoman in person. I was impulsive about what happened last time.”

“It’s fine.” Chi Xiaoman shook her head. “I know you were doing it for Chen Yue... for Teacher Chen’s sake.”

Hearing her deliberately correct herself, Shen Yin smiled, as if she didn’t care at all. “Now that we’ve said it clearly, that’s fine.”

The manager, who was rumored to be fierce and decisive outside, was actually quite easy to get along with.

Chi Xiaoman relaxed a little because of that.

But since Shen Yin had made a special trip over because she had something to say to Chen Yue alone, they didn’t say anything else.

Chen Yue had probably already anticipated this and got into the nanny van beside Shen Yin.

Before the door closed.

Chen Yue looked at Chi Xiaoman through the light.

Chi Xiaoman looked back too.

It felt as if only the cold winter wind lay between their eyes.

A few seconds passed.

Shen Yin gave Chi Xiaoman a polite smile and closed the car door.

The door shut, and the dark glass blocked their view.

Chi Xiaoman drew her worried gaze back, then turned around and saw Shen Baozhi looking at her, so she pressed her lips together.

“Don’t worry.” Shen Baozhi joked with her. “My mommy isn’t a bad person. She won’t kidnap Teacher Chen.”

“I know.”

She was just still a little worried.

Chi Xiaoman looked back at the enclosed car, put the tiny, precious candy into her pocket, and went with Shen Baozhi to prepare for wrap-up.

-

Once the car door closed, the heater inside was strong and the lights were bright. Inside and outside the car, it suddenly became two different worlds.

After getting in, Shen Yin first observed Chen Yue for a while before speaking. “You’ve lost this much weight?”

“It’s okay.” Chen Yue leaned back tiredly against the seat. “I’ll be better once I finish filming. Don’t worry.”

“Mm, I’m not worried.” Shen Yin said. “You’ve always been measured.”

Chen Yue gave no response.

She was looking at Chi Xiaoman outside the window; the other woman was standing under the light of the tent with Shen Baozhi, studying today’s footage. She had only a down jacket draped over her shoulders and hadn’t had time to put her arms through it.

Who knew if she would catch a cold.

Chen Yue frowned.

Shen Yin suddenly let out a sigh.

Chen Yue pulled her thoughts back and focused on Shen Yin. “Sorry, I drifted off.”

“You didn’t drift off.” Shen Yin shook her head. “Your soul is with someone else.”

Chen Yue said nothing, and didn’t deny it.

Shen Yin had been a manager for so many years; she was very good at reading people. She had no need for Chen Yue to deny it in front of her.

“Actually, I already thought this was strange.” Shen Yin looked at her with an expression that seemed to have suddenly understood everything. “You’d just won Best Actress, so many good scripts were waiting for you. Why did you insist on coming to act in Neon—”

“No.” Chen Yue interrupted her. “I came to shoot Neon because it’s a good script, not because of Chi Xiaoman.”

Shen Yin paused, then accepted her answer cleanly. “Fine. Let’s say you came for the script in the first place.”

Then she suddenly asked very directly, “But are you in love with Chi Xiaoman now?”

Hong Kong people were direct; they basically never beat around the bush.

Straight to the point.

Not saying like, not saying you have good feelings, not saying you want to get close.

Directly saying:

Love.

Chen Yue paused for a very long time, and stayed silent for a very long time.

She couldn’t deny it. But she wasn’t sure whether she should admit it.

So she had no choice but to look at Chi Xiaoman again—

Chi Xiaoman was still standing in that same place from earlier, still not fully wearing her down jacket. She seemed a little cold; her ears were red from the frost. Maybe because she was too focused, she had forgotten to properly put on her clothes and was just unconsciously stamping her feet in the winter wind.

“I want her to put her clothes on.” After a long moment, Chen Yue said softly.

She didn’t answer the question.

Shen Yin watched her for a long time inside the car. In truth, after working with Chen Yue for so many years, she wasn’t incapable of understanding her temperament. She knew even more clearly that not denying something at a time like this meant tacit agreement.

Then Chen Yue suddenly laughed. Her gaze was still fixed outside the car.

Shen Yin followed her line of sight and saw Chi Xiaoman happily high-fiving Shen Baozhi, looking lively. But after that burst of energy, she seemed to remember she was a director, and in the next second put on a more dignified face.

“Is she very cute?” Chen Yue asked suddenly.

Shen Yin hadn’t expected her attention to still spare a little of itself for her, and said, “Yes, she’s cute.”

“Mm.” Chen Yue nodded. She slowly withdrew her gaze and stared at the shadow inside the car. After a while, she said very softly and slowly, “Then can’t I love her?”

Shen Yin was at a loss for words.

Chen Yue tilted her head to look at her, her eyes somewhat dazed.

After a while.

Shen Yin sighed. “What era is it now? You think I’d stop you from dating the person you like?”

Chen Yue nodded. “Then what do you want to say?”

Shen Yin looked at her for a few seconds, then slowly said,

“I originally really did just come over to see you, thinking it was inconvenient for you over here and wondering if there was anything I should bring for you. But Baozhi called me today and asked me to come take a look at these days’ shooting footage. Maybe because the people involved can’t see clearly, you didn’t realize, and even... even your adorable little Director Xiaoman didn’t realize it either.”

“But I know you two have run into a lot of difficulties getting this movie shot smoothly, and for things to have gotten to this point is already not easy. So this can’t be delayed any longer; someone has to point it out to you.”

“Chen Yue, you can love Chi Xiaoman; care for her, feel sorry for her, protect her, want her all to yourself, think she’s the only one for you... good or bad, whatever. I won’t stop you.”

“But..."

By this point.

Even the usually blunt-tongued Shen Yin hesitated. She looked at Chen Yue for a while before finishing,

“Liu Shu cannot love Li Xiaoyu.”

Chen Yue didn’t speak.

For some reason, hearing Shen Yin say this, she suddenly wanted to laugh. She also wanted to tell Shen Yin that she understood this very well, to say that Shen Yin was mistaken; it wasn’t Liu Shu who was loving Li Xiaoyu, it was Chen Yue who was secretly loving Chi Xiaoman.

But she found that she couldn’t speak.

It was like how a steering wheel can’t say that it is actually a tire, and a table lamp can’t say that it is the sun. Chen Yue also couldn’t deny it; from start to finish, it wasn’t Chi Xiaoman who had become too immersed in the role. It was her who had gradually blurred the boundary between the two, letting too much of herself spill onto Liu Shu.

“Chen Yue.”

And Shen Yin looked at her for a long time under the lights.

As if feeling sorry for her confusion, but in the end still choosing to lay it bare directly,

“You’re in big trouble right now, do you understand?”

After saying that.

Shen Yin looked at her for a long time. Her lips moved; she had originally wanted to say more, but in the end, looking at her expression, she did not continue. She only left her with one sentence:

“I haven’t seen you fall into this kind of situation in all these years. In short, think it through properly yourself.”

Shen Yin sighed, opened the car door, and got out.

The cabin was very empty, the heater blowing softly.

Even long after Shen Yin had gotten out, Chen Yue was still sitting alone in the car, and it was impossible to tell whether she was truly thinking about the problem Shen Yin had left behind. In some sense, this problem seemed easy to solve; she just had to restrain her feelings and keep them from anyone noticing.

Besides, Chen Yue had always been good at thinking and good at handling unexpected situations. The concrete methods she came up with within ten minutes were very clear—she only needed to keep a little farther away from Chi Xiaoman.

But Chen Yue didn’t know whether she could do that.

Because she could see Chi Xiaoman from the car.

After Shen Yin got out, the door closed again. Chi Xiaoman may have seen that only Shen Yin had gotten out, or may have been worried all along that Shen Yin would bring some bad news, and so kept glancing over here with growing concern—

One glance.

Two glances.

Three glances.

...

Through the car window with its poor transparency, Chen Yue tried hard to make out the expression on her face.

And saw it.

At last.

Chi Xiaoman set everything behind her aside, set Shen Baozhi aside, and slowly walked toward her.

The nighttime temperature was low; condensation rose on the car window glass, slowly turning it hazy.

Chen Yue sat in the car, silently watching her walk over—feeling as if it were like that day her car had been rear-ended by the roadside and she had been forced to be surrounded by a crowd.

Back then, Chi Xiaoman had also walked toward her like this, slowly.

And back then, Chen Yue had been the same as now, watching her approach step by step, watching her face grow clear little by little in her field of vision.

Then Chi Xiaoman stopped by the car door.

Her shoulders swayed faintly once.

Her expression hesitated.

As if afraid she was imagining things, and afraid of disturbing Chen Yue in the car. So she didn’t rush to knock.

The way she stretched her neck and squinted, trying hard to see what the inside of the car looked like, was very adorable.

There were many patches of light and shadow flowing past outside. Through the thin layer of glass, Chi Xiaoman’s face flickered between light and dark, and so did her amber eyes.

Chen Yue reached out and poked her ear through the car window glass.

By rights Chi Xiaoman shouldn’t have been able to feel it.

But at that instant it was almost as if by telepathy—Chi Xiaoman suddenly tucked her chin in, and also reached up to pinch the ear that had been chilled by the wind.

Chen Yue thought she was very cute.

And so she curled her fingers back in.

No longer touching her.

Another ten-odd seconds passed.

Chi Xiaoman seemed to have made up her mind. After hesitating, she raised her knuckles and knocked twice on the car door very timidly.

After knocking.

She quickly drew her hand back.

She hid it inside her sleeve, placing both hands obediently crossed over her lower abdomen.

She was waiting for Chen Yue to open the door.

This Chi Xiaoman, who always believed in her, worried about her, wanted to protect her, and always saved the last bite at every meal for her; this Chi Xiaoman, who tried hard to look through that thick glass toward her, and after finally working up the courage was willing to show vulnerability, embarrassment, and sensitivity in front of her—this Chi Xiaoman, who opened herself up to her, came closer to her, who said every day to sleep well and racked her brains to be good to her...

Chen Yue could not love her too much.

Because it would cause problems for their movie.

After the car door opened—

Chi Xiaoman might freeze for a moment, and once she recovered, she would smile at Chen Yue completely defenselessly, curving her eyes into soft, harmless crescents and asking why she’d been sitting in the car for so long.

But Chen Yue would probably have to face those smiling eyes and calmly say to her—

Chi Xiaoman, let’s not eat together anymore after this. Chi Xiaoman, I shouldn’t have deliberately walked over to hug you this morning because you were getting immersed in the role. I shouldn’t have let you hug me like I was a lifesaving straw.

Chi Xiaoman, you’re right. An actor is an actor; a role is a role. I should have dealt with the boundary between the two earlier. So Chi Xiaoman, could you... stay a little farther away from me for now?

So Chen Yue couldn’t open the door.

She felt as if she might never be able to open this door.

And perhaps sensing this too.

Chi Xiaoman came closer again.

Her face was already almost pressed to the car window. Her features looked a little blurry, and through the water vapor her eyes were also moist, as if the glass itself were slowly melting; and still like a little cat. During this period they ate together every day, and Chi Xiaoman had put on a little more flesh in her face. She looked healthier, more vivid, and fuller.

She really seemed very worried about her. Her expression had grown a little anxious, but she still didn’t disturb her too much. She only called her very softly, “Sister Chen Tong, what’s wrong?”

Inside the car, Chen Yue suddenly covered her eyes.

She was choking with sobs.

Or maybe not exactly. Because Chen Yue had never been someone who couldn’t control her emotions, and she had never allowed herself to reach the point of choking on sobs.

After a long while.

Her breathing and emotions gradually settled.

Chen Yue slowly exhaled and uncurled her clenched hand.

She lowered the car window.

As if nothing had happened, she said very softly to Chi Xiaoman,

“Chi Xiaoman, put your clothes on properly.”

The air outside the car was cold. Chi Xiaoman blinked in confusion, as if wanting to look at her, but hearing the slightly stern tone in her voice, she obediently reached her arms back inside the down jacket and put it on properly, then looked at Chen Yue cautiously.

“So what did Manager Shen say to you just now?”

Her tone was soft, her expression compliant.

She looked at her through the car door, the tips of her ears red from the wind. The nearby lights were not very bright; light and shadow flowed between their eyes. She strained to see her eyes, probably doing her utmost to guess what was wrong with her, but no matter how long she guessed, she probably would never guess it—

In those brief ten-odd minutes.

Chen Yue had already overturned countless promises they had made before, and made up her mind that she would not let Chi Xiaoman know a single word of the conversation that had just taken place in the car.

Before Chi Xiaoman managed to ask again, Chen Yue smiled in the car. She thought Chi Xiaoman might be angry if she knew, yet still selfishly told her, “Nothing.”

In the wind, she watched Chi Xiaoman’s expression gradually become confused, heard her own voice being blown very light, like a scattered cloud,

“Nothing happened.”

She thought Chi Xiaoman actually didn’t need to know anything. She didn’t need to discover that she was secretly loving her, didn’t need to know that Chen Yue had suddenly made a good situation go bad, and therefore didn’t need to one day hear that cruel request to “stay farther away” from her mouth.

As long as she didn’t know, Chi Xiaoman would still eat well every day, sleep well every night, and continue carefully and cautiously believing that there was still a Rainbow Sister in this world for her.

As for everything beyond that, Chen Yue would still choose to bear it alone, digest it... until all the bad things were resolved.

Because Chen Yue had always been like this by nature; no matter how many times they promised each other to be honest, it was destined never to change.

[Author’s Note]

On time for Little Neon’s fifty-third day update [sunglasses][sunglasses][sunglasses]