Chapter 84
Wen Yan fell silent.
Winter’s biting cold swept over the river with the wind, glinting across the water and cutting through the two women on the bank with a bone-deep chill.
The streetlights stretched their figures long, layering them over one another; the air between them was taut and still.
“Wen Yan.”
After a moment, Jin Zijin spoke. Her voice was low, carrying a heaviness Wen Yan had never heard from her before.
She held Wen Yan’s hand and looked up at her steadily, the light in her eyes flickering as though someone had poured ice water over her head, forcing her to swallow back the emotion before it spilled out.
She pressed her lips together, softened her voice, and asked again, “What did you mean by that just now?”
Wen Yan’s heart gave a violent jolt.
She lowered her head and looked at the hand gripping her fingertips; it was tightening, just a little too hard.
The woman’s eyes and brows, usually warm and gentle, were cold as ice at the moment, with hurt and anger she couldn’t hide pooling in her gaze.
This was the first time Wen Yan had ever seen Jin Zijin truly angry.
Angry at her, unmistakably.
“I’m asking you,” Jin Zijin said, staring into her eyes and enunciating every word, “we’ve been together for so long; what have I done that made you think I’d give you up over something like having a child?”
Wen Yan opened her mouth, but something seemed to close tight around her throat, and not a single word came out.
She wanted to explain, wanted to say that wasn’t what she meant, that she had only been too afraid, which was why she’d asked such a stupid question.
But the words stuck there, unable to rise or fall; all she could hear was her own heart hammering wildly in her chest, each beat hard and painful.
Panic flooded over her like a tide.
Subconsciously, she wanted to shrink back, to retreat into the hard shell she had built with strength and coldness, to pretend those words had never been spoken.
But Jin Zijin was holding her fingers tightly, leaving her nowhere to retreat. She could only force herself to meet that gaze, her eyes stinging uncontrollably.
She was too used to being abandoned.
Growing up in a family that valued sons over daughters, her parents’ love had always come with practical conditions; the family’s closeness had always depended on status and value.
She had grown used to being ignored, marginalized, treated as an optional existence.
So when the sensitive topic of “children” came up, she had slipped back into her most primitive pattern.
Her first reaction had not been to communicate or ask Jin Zijin’s thoughts, but to fear instinctively.
Fear that Jin Zijin would give her up in the end because of worldly expectations and family pressure.
That was why she had asked such a cutting question: Would you divorce me because of a child?
But the moment she truly saw Jin Zijin angry, she realized with a start that she was more afraid of losing this hard-won peace than she had imagined.
“I…” she said, her voice trembling badly. “I’m not—”
Halfway through, she stopped.
Because she saw the deep grievance hidden beneath the dark haze in Jin Zijin’s eyes.
Their gazes met, and Wen Yan’s own eyes prickled with tears.
Strangely enough, beyond fear, a very faint, very secret sweetness quietly rose in her heart.
She’s angry.
She’s angry because I doubted her.
She’s this upset because I thought she’d abandon me.
So she really has put me in the very center of her heart.
That thought burned softly through her, and the tension in Wen Yan’s shoulders began to melt away bit by bit.
She lifted her eyes to Jin Zijin’s tight jaw, held her hand, and wrinkled her nose. “You’re so fierce.”
As she said that, Wen Yan’s eyes filled with a thin sheen of moisture. Her thumb rubbed over the back of Jin Zijin’s hand, and she softened her voice. “This is the first time you’ve ever gotten mad at me; you’re so scary.”
Jin Zijin froze.
The breath she had been holding in her chest for so long was knocked loose by that soft, muffled little remark, scattering halfway at once.
She was both angry and helpless, and her heart ached with concern; staring at Wen Yan’s slightly reddened eyes, her voice dropped. “I’m scary? Wen Yan, I am—”
The rest of the sentence was swallowed back by Wen Yan.
Wen Yan suddenly took a step forward, lifted a hand to Jin Zijin’s nape, and turned her head to kiss her lips.
The moment their lips met, all the tension in Jin Zijin’s body collapsed completely. Her arms instinctively circled Wen Yan’s waist, drawing her firmly into her embrace with a light but unyielding force, refusing to let go even a little.
The river wind suddenly turned gentle.
The neon lights along the bank wrapped tenderly around them, turning their embrace into a single blurred shadow.
Wen Yan’s hand rested lightly against the side of Jin Zijin’s neck, fingertips hot. She kissed her softly and seriously, and only when her breathing grew slightly unsteady did she pull back a little, resting her forehead against Jin Zijin’s and brushing the tip of her nose against hers. Warm breath feathered over Jin Zijin’s lips.
Jin Zijin lowered her head to look at her. The dark look in her eyes had already dispersed, leaving only thick, unresolvable helplessness and tenderness.
Her fingertips slowly stroked Wen Yan’s lips, and her voice was low and a little hoarse. “You’re so sly. You didn’t even explain yourself properly before starting to use a kiss to stop me.”
Wen Yan looked quietly at her, her eyes bright as stars washed in water. “I was just afraid you’d get too emotional, and then neither of us would be able to talk about it rationally.”
“It’s fine. You can take your time now.”
Wen Yan gently touched the back of Jin Zijin’s hand, looking at her with quiet tenderness.
She restrained all her emotions and obediently waited for Jin Zijin to speak clearly, waited for her to soothe away the unease that had wound through her heart for more than twenty years.
Jin Zijin drew a deep breath and pulled her closer again, until Wen Yan was pressed entirely against her. She lowered her chin to Wen Yan’s shoulder and slowly combed through her long hair.
Then she let out a breath and said softly, “I know what you’re worried about.”
“We haven’t been together very long. You were ignored, pushed away, and treated as if you didn’t matter from childhood; it’s normal for you to be afraid.”
“You’re afraid I’m not steadfast enough; you’re afraid I’ll give you up for something else. I understand all of that.”
Wen Yan’s lashes trembled lightly. Her arms tightened unconsciously, and she clung to Jin Zijin’s waist with all her strength, burying her face deeper into her shoulder, greedily drawing in her warmth and scent.
“I’m not lying to you,” Jin Zijin said, her voice steady and completely unguarded, so honest it made one’s heart tremble. “At first, when we got married, I really didn’t put my heart into you.”
“So I didn’t prepare much of anything for the wedding. That may have been part of what made you uneasy.”
“I was attracted to your looks, so I wanted to get close to you; I wanted to see how far we could go.”
Wen Yan patted her back and nodded. “Mm, I understand.”
No matter how much she liked her, they had only met three times; how could she possibly have poured her heart into it?
Anyway, she had never minded that absurd wedding, one that had nothing to do with her. On the contrary, she had always been grateful for that accident, because it gave her the chance to stand beside Jin Zijin.
“But now it’s different.”
Jin Zijin lifted her hand and gently brushed the back of Wen Yan’s neck, her touch as tender as though she were handling a rare treasure. “I’ve seen so many sides of you.”
“Focused, serious, gentle, thoughtful, meticulous, strong, vulnerable…”
“I understand your awkwardness, I understand your silence, and I ache for your stubbornness.”
“Wen Yan,” she paused, then lifted her eyes to look at Wen Yan as she enunciated each word, “I’m loving you.”
“I love you; how could I bear to give you up?”
Wen Yan suddenly felt hot all over.
At that instant, it was as if something inside her chest had exploded with a bang, warm to the point of scalding, sour to the point of sting.
No one had ever chosen her so firmly, or accepted her so unconditionally. In that moment, all her hardness and defenses shattered into softness under those words.
But the unease and awkwardness rooted in her bones still made her instinctively push back.
She withdrew a little from Jin Zijin’s arms, lowered her eyes to look at her, and let her eyes curve with a hint of deliberate provocation. “Then do you mean that if you don’t love me anymore, you’ll give me up?”
Jin Zijin was choked silent for a beat, the breath in her chest caught, unable to rise or fall.
The woman was both angry and amused; the last trace of emotion in her eyes vanished completely, leaving only helpless tenderness.
She reached out and gently pinched Wen Yan’s cheek. “Wen Yan, you did that on purpose, didn’t you?”
“If I don’t love someone anymore, of course I’ll let go. That’s being responsible to both people.”
She looked into Wen Yan’s eyes, her gaze unwavering and firm, without the slightest evasion. “But how could I not love you?”
“I won’t stop loving you.”
The moment those words settled, the string that had been suspended in Wen Yan’s heart for more than twenty years finally dropped.
All her unease, fear, self-denial, and fear of abandonment crashed to the ground and dissolved into a soft warmth, flooding through her limbs and bones.
She no longer tested, no longer forced herself, no longer said one thing while meaning another. She simply opened her arms a little and leaned into Jin Zijin’s embrace without any defense, her voice soft as cotton. “Hug me.”
Jin Zijin almost immediately tightened her arms and held her close, burying her face in Wen Yan’s shoulder as she murmured coaxingly, “From now on, you’re not allowed to overthink. Don’t say things like that again; it’ll make my heart ache.”
“Mm.” Wen Yan stayed tucked in her arms, her voice muffled but steadier and safer than ever before. “Got it. I won’t think nonsense anymore.”
She pressed her face against Jin Zijin’s chest, listening to the steady, powerful beat of her heart; each throb was reassuring enough to make one want to cry.
So this was what it felt like to be chosen without hesitation, to be loved without conditions.
Jin Zijin held her for a long time without letting go, fingertips gently stroking the back of her head. Then she lowered her head and kissed Wen Yan’s neck. “Cold?”
“Let’s go home.”
“I’m not cold.” Wen Yan shook her head and stayed nestled in her arms, unwilling to move. “Hold me a little longer.”
“Okay.” Jin Zijin indulged her, holding her on the riverbank for a long time. Only when the evening wind grew colder and colder did she gently take Wen Yan’s hand and walk toward the parking area with their fingers tightly laced. “I’ll warm your blankets when we get home.”
Wen Yan’s ears warmed faintly. She softly answered, “Mm,” and her fingers interlocked tightly with Jin Zijin’s; the warmth of their joined palms made her chest swell.
——
Because Wen Yan had started acting spoiled, the topic that day ultimately came to nothing.
The two of them clung to each other sweetly for the next two days. Whenever work wasn’t busy, Wen Yan found herself thinking about Jin Zijin.
Thinking about the way she had been angry, thinking about her frank eyes, thinking about that incomparably earnest “I’m loving you.”
From childhood to adulthood, Wen Yan had long been used to wrapping herself up and carrying every storm alone.
Used to not expecting anything, not depending on anyone, she had thought she would live out her life all alone, and that devoting herself to medicine for the rest of her days wouldn’t be bad either.
But Jin Zijin’s appearance had completely shattered that closed-off shell.
She didn’t demand that Wen Yan be strong, didn’t demand that she be sensible, didn’t demand that she be perfect.
She didn’t ask why she was sensitive, didn’t ask why she was uneasy; she simply caught all of her fragility steadily in her hands, until Wen Yan grew used to acting spoiled and learned how to show weakness.
She had even become a child who could rely on someone else.
Wen Yan realized that she was changing, growing childish.
She didn’t know whether this change was a good thing, but… she didn’t hate it.
Because being loved really could make a person stop forcing themselves.
In the blink of an eye, it was the twenty-ninth day of the twelfth lunar month, and there was only one day left until New Year’s Eve.
After work that day, Wen Yan received two messages.
The first was from Wang Manyu.
Her cheap mother’s tone, as always, held polite distance and a faint note of urging.
It said that the New Year was nearly here, and tomorrow at noon she was to make sure she brought Jin Zijin back to the Wang family for the reunion dinner, so the Jin family wouldn’t think the people on her side didn’t value this marriage.
Every line was about the Wang family’s face, with not a trace of genuine concern.
Wen Yan glanced at it and replied coolly with two words: We’ll see.
She had long since lost all expectations for that so-called “home.”
Right after that, another message popped up; it was from Wen Chen.
“Holy crap, sis, I just came out of seclusion and saw what’s going on online. Are you okay?”
“Did Jin Zijin settle everything? Are you physically and mentally healthy? You’re not sick, are you?”
It wasn’t exactly nice-sounding, and it was even a little annoying. But Wen Yan looked at the screen, her lashes flickering slightly, and a long-lost warmth rose in her heart.
Out of the whole Wen family, only this full-blooded brother of hers still had a shred of conscience.
Her fingers moved, and she slowly typed back, “No illness; I’m fine. Thanks for your concern.”
Two seconds after she sent it, Wen Chen’s call came straight through; the ringtone was especially clear in the quiet changing room.
Wen Yan answered, her voice softening. “Brother.”
“You’re okay, then.” Wen Chen’s voice was hoarse from travel, laced with the noise of a station in the background. “I’ve been in the mountains too long; when I came out, all I saw were your messages. You scared me to death. I thought you’d really suffered a huge grievance.”
“Really, I’m fine.” Wen Yan said softly, the corners of her mouth lifting a little. “The surgery went very smoothly; the patient’s recovery is going well, and the public opinion has been reversed. It’s all over now.”
“That’s good.” Wen Chen let out a breath and kept nagging at her to take care of herself, not to overwork, not to wrong herself.
After chatting for a few minutes, Wen Chen told her not to come back for New Year’s, and to spend it properly with Jin Zijin.
Wen Yan said okay.
Right before hanging up, Wen Yan didn’t know what string in her mind had been touched; she suddenly blurted out, “Brother, can you imagine what you’d be like as a father?”
There was a full three seconds of silence on the other end.
Then Wen Chen’s shocked voice burst out, pitched high with disbelief: “??? Wen Yan, have you gone crazy?”
“Did Jin Zijin force you to have a baby?”
“Are you okay? Do you want me to come get you right now?”
“Are you trying to get yourself trafficked to Myanmar? Why are you suddenly thinking this way!”
Wen Yan: “…”
She held the phone, frozen in place for a long moment, her ears gradually heating up.
Even Wen Chen thought wanting a child was a crazy thing.
Then what, exactly, had she been thinking just now?
She lowered her head and looked at the slippers on her feet, then suddenly let out a quiet laugh; it was soft and dazed, carrying a kind of tenderness even she herself couldn’t quite catch.
She really might be a little crazy.
Crazy from being spoiled by Jin Zijin.
——
That evening, as usual, Jin Zijin came to pick Wen Yan up.
The car stopped downstairs. Wen Yan got out first, then stood by the door and bent down to carry Jin Zijin out.
Jin Zijin let out a startled cry and instinctively looped her arms around Wen Yan’s neck, burying her face in the crook of her neck, her ears hot. “Put me down. What if someone sees?”
“Let them see. My wife; I want to carry you whenever I want.” Wen Yan lowered her head and pecked her on the lips, then carried her toward the elevator with steady, light steps. “You’ve been tired all day; I’ll carry you upstairs.”
Jin Zijin stopped struggling. She obediently wrapped her arms around Wen Yan’s neck and buried her face in her chest, listening to her steady heartbeat, feeling completely at ease.
When the elevator doors opened, the two of them walked into the familiar corridor. Just as they reached the front door, Wen Yan saw a brand-new Spring Festival couplet pasted at the entrance.
Judging from the brushwork, it had been written by Jin Zijin herself. The strokes were steady and elegant:
May every year bring joy; may each year bring satisfaction
Horizontal scroll: peace and happiness
Against the red background and gold characters, the whole door looked festive and bright. Large fu characters had also been pasted on the two doors, upside down to symbolize that blessing had “arrived.”
Wen Yan widened her eyes and turned to look at Jin Zijin. “You had someone come put up the couplets?”
“Mm.” Jin Zijin answered as if it were only natural. “Tomorrow is New Year’s Eve; we’re going back to the old residence for the holiday, but our own home still needs decorating too.”
As she said that, she poked Wen Yan’s shoulder, the corners of her lips lifting. “Come on, go in and take a look.”
“Okay.”
Wen Yan smiled and, still holding her, pushed the door open.
The moment the door swung open, the two of them stepped into the foyer; after changing their shoes and entering the living room, a full house of New Year’s atmosphere rushed toward them.
Little strings of red lanterns hung in the living room, and the warm light passing through the red paper was gentle beyond words.
The floor-to-ceiling windows were decorated with paper-cuts shaped like snowflakes and little ponies; delicate and adorable. The sofa had been fitted with new red cushions embroidered with tiny peace motifs.
Even the corners held freshly cut silver willow and wintersweet; the floral fragrance was faint, and every corner was filled with lively but understated festivity.
Mi Tang had a little red bow tie around its neck, and it trotted over with elegant cat steps, rubbing around Wen Yan’s ankles nonstop while letting out soft meows, its tail held high, clearly delighted.
Wen Yan bent down and scooped Mi Tang up, looking at Jin Zijin with surprise and delight. “You even prepared new clothes for the kid?”
“You’re so thoughtful.”
“Of course; it’s New Year.” Jin Zijin took her hand and led her into the living room. “But I left one thing especially for us to do together. No one’s allowed to touch it.”
“Come on; we’ll finish it after dinner.”
The auntie had already prepared breakfast. She led Wen Yan into the dining room, and the two sat side by side.
Jin Zijin first served her a bowl of steaming chicken soup, handed it to her, then kept adding dishes to her bowl until it was piled high. “Eat more. You’ve been working hard lately; you’ve gotten thin.”
Wen Yan ate in small bites, her eyes curving slightly as she kept glancing up at her, and the sight of Jin Zijin earnestly serving her food made her heart melt into softness.
She also picked up her chopsticks and placed a piece of fish Jin Zijin liked into her bowl, carefully removing the bones. “You should eat too.”
Jin Zijin’s eyes lit up, and a big smile spread across her lips. She opened her mouth and ate the fish Wen Yan had given her, delight shining in her eyes. “Food fed to me by my wife is of course the best.”
Wen Yan’s ears warmed slightly. She lowered her head to sip her soup in small mouthfuls, but the corners of her mouth couldn’t help rising.
The meal was warm and leisurely.
After they finished, the two of them took the dishes into the kitchen. Jin Zijin pushed Wen Yan onto the living room rug. “Go play with Mi Tang; I’ll bring the stuff over in a bit.”
Wen Yan obediently sat on the rug, holding the soft little cat, listening to the dishwasher rumbling in the background and looking at the festive decorations filling the room. Her heart felt completely settled.
Not long after, Jin Zijin came over carrying a brand-new lambswool cat bed and set it down on the rug.
The cat bed was off-white, fluffy and soft like a little warm house, printed with adorable pony motifs. There was also a matching scratching board and a small cushion beside it; it was obvious that a lot of thought had gone into it.
Next to it sat a stack of miniature couplets, fu characters, and little stickers, all in red and gold; cute and festive.
Mi Tang immediately abandoned Wen Yan, circling the new bed with its tail held high. It nuzzled it curiously with its head, then reached out a paw to pat it lightly, liking it to death.
The two of them sat shoulder to shoulder on the rug, so close their shoulders touched, their thighs pressed together, their breaths mingling faintly.
The warm light fell over them, making the scene especially cozy.
“Come on, let’s put some New Year decorations on Mi Tang.” Jin Zijin handed over some double-sided tape; her fingertips accidentally brushed Wen Yan’s hand, warm and soft, and then she casually squeezed her palm.
Wen Yan picked up a tiny couplet that read, “Eat well, sleep well, live forever,” and couldn’t help laughing. “This suits it perfectly. It does nothing all day except eat and sleep; it’s absurdly lazy.”
As she spoke, she lowered her gaze to the writing on the couplet, a layer of laughter floating in her eyes. “They say a pet’s personality is just like a child’s personality.”
“If our child is like this in the future… it seems… that wouldn’t be bad either.”
Eat well, sleep well, stay safe and healthy; that was the best hope for a child.
When the topic of children came up again a few days later, Jin Zijin was a little surprised.
She lifted her eyes to look at Wen Yan and, seeing how gentle she looked, paused slightly.
Then she smiled and said, “Mm, that would be nice.”
May the child be foolish and simple, free of disaster and hardship all the way to nobility.
As Jin Zijin thought that, she moved a little closer to Wen Yan, half-leaning against her with one arm lightly around Wen Yan’s arm.
The two of them huddled together, carefully sticking the tiny couplets to the front of the cat bed and then placing pony stickers on the side, their movements light and earnest.
As she was sticking them, Wen Yan suddenly lowered her head and kissed Jin Zijin’s cheek.
Jin Zijin paused and turned to look at her, her eyes full of amusement. “What? You love me that much?”
Wen Yan gave a soft “mm,” then kissed the tip of her nose, then the corner of her lips, pecking her again and again, unwilling to let go.
“Alright, alright, I know you love me.”
Jin Zijin’s voice had gone soft, but she still leaned in on her own to kiss Wen Yan’s lips. “Kiss me later and stick them properly. Don’t mess around.”
“I’m not messing around. Kissing my wife doesn’t count as messing around.” Wen Yan held her in her arms, brushing softly against her lips; the kiss was gentle and lingering, until Mi Tang let out a meow and the two of them laughed and separated.
Very quickly, the cat bed was decorated. It was bright red and full of festive cheer.
Mi Tang purred comfortably and curled straight into the new bed, resting its head on the edge and squinting at them with an expression of utter satisfaction; it was adorable beyond words.
Wen Yan smiled as she adjusted the edge of the cat bed. Just as she lowered her head, a cool, soft piece of red paper was suddenly pressed onto her forehead.
She blinked and slowly looked up.
Jin Zijin was holding the last tiny fu character, gently pressing it onto the center of her brow.
Red background, gold characters; it landed on her smooth forehead, warm and festive, making her features look even softer.
Wen Yan raised a hand to peel it off. “Why are you sticking it on my face?”
Jin Zijin gently pressed down on her hand and wouldn’t let her move.
The woman hooked her fingers around Wen Yan’s wrist, bent down close, forehead against forehead and nose brushing nose, her gaze so tender it seemed ready to drip.
The light fell into her eyes, reflecting Wen Yan’s figure, full to the brim, leaving no room for anyone else.
She spoke softly, word by word, solemn and devout: “I hope my wife can enter and leave safely in the new year, and that everything goes smoothly.”
It was a very simple and straightforward wish, yet it carried a deep, aching tenderness.
Wen Yan’s eyes turned red at once. She nodded lightly and said, “It will.”
TL Note:
Spring Festival couplets (春联) are decorative paired sayings pasted on doors for Lunar New Year.
fu characters (福字) are the “fortune/blessing” character; pasting them upside down plays on 福到了, meaning “blessing has arrived.”
“May the child be foolish and simple, free of disaster and hardship all the way to nobility” (惟愿孩儿愚且鲁，无灾无难到公卿) is a traditional blessing wishing a child an easy, safe life, eventually rising to high status.