Not Loved, Then

My wife thinks I'm sick and has been avoiding me.

I don't know what to do anymore.

Jiang Wenzhe's knuckles went white, his fingertips sinking deep into the leather of the steering wheel. A sharp pain clutched at his throat, and he sat frozen in the driver's seat, utterly at a loss and in agony.

If Lin Sangyu would never accept him, never want him, then he might as well be dead.

But he refused to accept it.

He refused to accept that the vibrant, radiant Lin Sangyu truly didn't love him.

A piercing honk suddenly blared. Watching the cars come and go, his sanity wavered, and a mad thought flashed through his mind. Jiang Wenzhe laughed, suddenly manic.

If he got hurt, could it rekindle that tiny bit of care Lin Sangyu still held for him deep down?

He'd once wanted Lin Sangyu to love him, but now Jiang Wenzhe felt that taking a step back was fine too.

Let pathological attachment be disguised as love.

Jiang Wenzhe slowly loosened his grip on the steering wheel.

The vehicle behind slammed into him hard. A violent force swept through his body, and in the second before he blacked out, Jiang Wenzhe thought humbly:

Just like me a little more, Lin Sangyu.

*

Lin Sangyu had no idea how she got into the taxi or how she reached the hospital.

Along the way, she kept dialing Jiang Wenzhe's phone, but unsurprisingly, not a single call went through.

Lin Sangyu was shaking all over, unsteady on her feet, tears instantly streaking down her face.

Her fingertips trembling, she burst through the ward door in a panic. Jiang Wenzhe lay still in the hospital bed, thick gauze wrapped around his head, a few faint scratches on his cheeks that had just stopped seeping blood. An oxygen mask covered his mouth and nose. He looked fragile and serene, his eyes tightly shut.

Lin Sangyu staggered toward him. In those few meters, her mind uncontrollably flashed with terrible images.

With a thud, her drained nerves and will finally gave out under the weight of her body. Lin Sangyu fell straight to her knees, the cold floor scraping against them, chilling her to the bone, freezing her from the marrow outward.

"J-Jiang Wenzhe, you can't die, you can't die." Lin Sangyu grabbed his hand with trembling fingers, clutching it desperately as she sobbed harder, barely able to breathe between cries, her chest heaving violently as she coughed loudly between sobs.

"Please don't die, I beg you."

"Jiang Wenzhe, I'll be really good to you from now on..."

Holding Jiang Wenzhe's hand, she clumsily wiped her tears with it. The calloused hand touched her cheek with a rough sting, a pain that struck straight to her heart, but Jiang Wenzhe's hand was still warm. She was like a moth drawn to flame, greedily clinging to that warmth despite the cold seeping into her body.

Lin Sangyu cried alone for a long, long time. The setting sun made her tears feel scalding hot, each one falling heavily into Jiang Wenzhe's palm.

Perhaps because Lin Sangyu cried too loudly, or maybe because her tears were truly huge, Jiang Wenzhe's thumb suddenly twitched. It brushed very lightly across her reddened eye corner.

Lin Sangyu looked up from his palm and saw Jiang Wenzhe, lips pale, smiling weakly at her.

He forced a casual tone: "What are you crying for? You've got snot bubbles showing."

Lin Sangyu thought she'd already cried herself dry, but hearing Jiang Wenzhe's voice, hoarse beyond recognition, she burst into tears again.

"I'm not going to die. Stop crying like I'm already in the grave."

Jiang Wenzhe raised his hand and silently wiped away Lin Sangyu's tears.

But she kept crying, tears flooding down like a broken dam, drowning his large palm completely.

Something wrenched at his chest, a pain so agonizing it felt like it would tear his soul apart. For a moment, Jiang Wenzhe wondered if the crash had actually damaged his internal organs, because why else would it hurt so much, as if he were really dying?

Wasn't this what he had planned and expected?

Why did it feel like this?

Every nerve in his body trembled. He opened his lips, shut them, repeated this several times, and finally forced out sound. Clenching his teeth, he said: "If I die, I'll make you be buried with me."

"Okay... okay, if you die, you have to take me with you." Lin Sangyu spoke without thinking, choking on her sobs.

Afraid he wouldn't believe her, she repeated: "I'll die with you."

Jiang Wenzhe's gaze burned, growing heavy and oppressive, like a towering mountain pressing down on Lin Sangyu.

Blood surged in his chest, and he answered: "Alright, then we'll die together. Even in death, I won't let you go."

The dull ache in his heart grew stronger, and an endless wave of bitterness flooded over him.

Forget it. Lin Sangyu was so young.

Someone so loud and lively shouldn't follow him to the underworld. The human world suited her better.

Jiang Wenzhe felt he could no longer bear those big, heavy tears of Lin Sangyu's. He felt like he was on the edge of suffocation.

How could that clear, salty water be so heavy, pressing down until he couldn't draw a single breath?

Flustered, Jiang Wenzhe pulled his hand back, lay down again, and, for once, pulled the blanket up high, nearly covering his whole face. He said, muffled from under the blanket: "Go out for now. I want to rest alone for a bit."

Lin Sangyu sniffled, forcing herself to stop crying. She really was too noisy, and she shouldn't disturb Jiang Wenzhe's rest. So she nodded and said: "Then rest well. I'll be right outside. I'm not going anywhere."

Lin Sangyu stood up and turned to leave, her reluctant gaze lingering on Jiang Wenzhe once more.

Suddenly, she noticed that a spot on the pure white pillow had become wet, the fabric soaked translucent.

Lin Sangyu was dazed for a moment. She thought, on a clear day, in this dry and warm hospital room, a cold rain had just fallen.

The cold rain had corroded Jiang Wenzhe's bones and rotted his heart.

"Creak—"

Lin Sangyu closed the ward door very softly. Her body gave out completely, and she slid slowly down along the door, curling into a ball, hugging her calves with both hands, burying her head deep between her knees.

Her body was still overwhelmed by extreme grief and fear, not yet recovered. She was shaking, she knew.

She had once been a thief, living in the darkness, furtively watching Jiang Wenzhe, who basked in the light and was adored by all.

If she had to use one word to describe Jiang Wenzhe, Lin Sangyu would unhesitatingly choose the word: sun.

She knew better than anyone that beneath Jiang Wenzhe's cold exterior beat a scorching heart.

Perhaps even Jiang Wenzhe himself had forgotten.

Their first meeting wasn't in the cold, bleak winter of last year.

It was on a sunny summer day, when all things were bright.

Ten years ago, Lin Sangyu was a sugar glider living in the forests of eastern Indonesia. She napped comfortably in the hollow of an old tree.

But as she slept, a large stone suddenly flew up from the ground, hitting her painfully. Lin Sangyu jolted awake, helplessly wrapping her thin gliding membrane tightly around her body.

The stones just kept getting bigger, and each hit hurt more.

Lin Sangyu knew there were humans below.

"Why won't that sugar glider come out?"

"Maybe you killed it with those rocks. I'll climb up and check."

Then, a massive shadow descended like a net with no gaps. A hand wearing a thick glove clamped around her neck.

She fought back violently, biting at the gloved hand, but the glove was too thick—even if she broke her teeth, the man wouldn't be hurt at all.

"Ooh, a quality catch. It's even white." The man exclaimed.

Lin Sangyu kicked her legs helplessly and shrieked loudly, like a fish on a chopping board, waiting for death.

"Let her go." A steady, unyielding voice rang out.

"Why let her go? Isn't this one pretty, Wenzhe?"

"I said, let her go." Jiang Wenzhe's voice grew heavier, like ice.

The two men were intimidated by Jiang Wenzhe's dark, stormy expression, and they also feared his power. Despite their deep reluctance, they finally released Lin Sangyu.

Having escaped death, Lin Sangyu quickly scrambled back up the tree and returned to her hollow.

But she was still overcome with lingering fear, clutching her body tightly, not daring to move.

She didn't know how long passed before she sensed a shadow covering her again.

Terrified, she squeezed her eyes shut. But the expected hand didn't clamp around her throat; instead, a few round objects rolled into her hollow.

She slowly opened her eyes and saw a strikingly handsome face.

The man was just barely over twenty, but his features were remarkably mature and sharp. The warm, moist breath of his breathing seemed almost tangible, swirling within the narrow hollow.

Jiang Wenzhe's face perfectly covered the opening of the hollow, blocking out the sunlight.

So when Lin Sangyu opened her eyes, all she could see was him, and those bright eyes.

In the suspended moment, Lin Sangyu stared at him blankly.

A voice tinged with laughter spoke: "What kind of animal are you? Do you eat pinecones? I picked a few for you."

After saying that, the man's face vanished in an instant, not even leaving a trace.

The sunlight poured back in.

For a long while, Lin Sangyu basked in the light, staring at the empty hollow, and answered him in her heart:

"I'm a sugar glider. I don't eat pinecones. Those are for squirrels."

Humans are so dumb.

Later, Lin Sangyu secretly followed that very dumb human, all the way from Indonesia to the distant capital of China.

In total, 5,230 kilometers.

Along the way, she strayed off course for a stretch, so she wandered the human world for five years, searching for him.

And then, after countless dangers and hardships, she finally saw him again.

Lin Sangyu watched the man's light blue T-shirt transform into a stern, rigid white shirt, making him seem even more reserved, more mature and composed.

But no matter how he changed, Jiang Wenzhe was still Jiang Wenzhe.

To see that man every day, Lin Sangyu perched on the locust tree in front of his house for five years straight.

From her nineteenth year to her twenty-fourth.

From his twenty-seventh to his thirty-second.

I searched for you for five years, and then watched you in the shadows for another five.

That was my entire youth, defined by you.

Perhaps her longing swelled too much, crushing her reason. Lin Sangyu was no longer satisfied with just two minutes of watching him from the tree each morning and evening.

She was bold, reckless, and became a complete thief, hiding in the darkness of Jiang Wenzhe's bedroom, stealing, taking, a little more warmth.

Loving to the extreme breeds humility.

When their relationship grew closer, Lin Sangyu wanted to retreat.

She was painfully aware that she and Jiang Wenzhe belonged to two different worlds. She didn't know if she could ever be the lifelong lover he'd accept.

Her love was too full; she was afraid Jiang Wenzhe couldn't receive it, leaving her shattered.

Besides, Lin Sangyu thought herself too wretched, too weak, knowing nothing—like a dirty rat in a sewer, trying to control Jiang Wenzhe's mind, making him develop a pathological attachment to her.

These offenses were too numerous to list.

Jiang Wenzhe was a blazing sun. Lin Sangyu was drawn to the light yet feared being burned.

Each time she made a pathetic fuss or threw unreasonable tantrums, it seemed like a test—checking if Jiang Wenzhe would soothe her, would bow his head and tolerate her every time.

She knew she was deeply sick.

Her heart was starved for security; she couldn't believe she was loved, so she deliberately dodged love, manufactured conflict and cold silence, waiting for Jiang Wenzhe to panic and rush to comfort her, using his care to prove she was loved.

Lin Sangyu feared being abandoned again. She couldn't bear even one parting. In any close relationship, she had to grip tightly to that hundred-percent certainty.

Twisted and fractured, and so Lin Sangyu came to hate herself more and more.

She couldn't face love, feared it, and yet craved it.

But now, seeing Jiang Wenzhe lying in the hospital bed, she was even more afraid.

Her fear of Jiang Wenzhe's death outweighed her fear of love.

Slowly lifting her head from between her knees, Lin Sangyu wiped the tear tracks from her face.

She thought, if Jiang Wenzhe died, she would die with him.

And if he ever changed his heart and didn't want her anymore, she would die too.