Feature: Jiang Xu, Are You That Clingy to Your Sister?

A person's lifetime is filled with many kinds of feelings. Two strangers meeting is already a great stroke of fate, let alone the bond that Liang Xiaoqing and Jiang Xu had built over so many years. Time is truly a strange thing sometimes. The deepest emotions can grow shallow under its baptism, and the most insignificant moments of knowing someone can, over the years, give rise to something entirely different.

Now, Liang Xiaoqing rarely thought of Jiang Tang anymore. That had been a time both sweet and painful, and sinking too deep into those memories only brought her more suffering. There had been a period when Liang Xiaoqing thought she would drift through the rest of her life like a walking corpse. At that age, losing the person she loved most to a sudden accident was a mix of regret and grief. What's more, Liang Xiaoqing had always believed Jiang Tang's misfortune was her fault.

For years she had kept her distance from her family, never easily reaching out. At most, they'd call once a year. She carried a crushing sense of guilt, and she needed to punish herself to atone for Jiang Tang.

Jiang Tang's departure had once made her lose all hope in life. That dignified, gentle, reliable woman seemed to possess an inexhaustible vitality. Liang Xiaoqing had imagined growing old together with Jiang Tang—a calm, stable happiness. She had at one time considered staying in the big city, but she and Jiang Tang had fought over it, because Jiang Tang refused to leave her hometown. She said her parents were there, and as their only child, she couldn't just abandon them.

Jiang Tang loved her, but she loved her parents too.

Liang Xiaoqing went from initial anger to eventual compromise, and in the end, she made the same choice as Jiang Tang.

Jiang Tang had said, "Xiaoqing, I don't want to make you feel wronged. Everyone has different ideas. You're still young, and wanting to make a name in the big city is your choice. I don't want you to give up your own choices because of me."

Making something of herself could ease the difficulties between them. She didn't want people casting those strange looks at them anymore, or whispering with ill intent. Especially when standing beside Jiang Tang. She wanted to be with Jiang Tang openly and honestly. But without Jiang Tang, all of that made life lose its color.

After Jiang Tang's accident, her world went dark. She found herself crying without meaning to. The place Jiang Tang hadn't wanted to leave had become a place of heartbreak for her. Her relationship with her parents fell apart, and she was socially dead at school. She left her hometown without really knowing where to go, and stumbled upon Shuiqing Town by accident. Seeing the harsh conditions the children studied under here, every time she helped a child, her mood lifted a little.

Schoolwork filled her days to the brim again, leaving no room for other thoughts. As long as she was at school, she felt Jiang Tang hadn't really left her. At some point, thinking of Jiang Tang no longer hurt. It was only a faint feeling, like a breeze passing by. But she knew Jiang Tang had left an indelible mark on her life.

She had now reached the age Jiang Tang had been, and she understood her feelings back then. Sometimes she could even put herself in Jiang Tang's shoes. On closer reflection, she realized how immature she had been back then. Jiang Tang had tolerated so much from her, and had even been willing to put up with her immaturity in their relationship.

Still, she wasn't as mature and steady as Jiang Tang. When problems came, her first instinct was to run away—from Jiang Xu, from the thoughts buried deep in her own heart. In all these years together, had she ever felt something different? Had she ever wondered about Jiang Xu's dependence on her?

In Jiang Xu, she saw her former self. Perhaps she had hidden her feelings just as clumsily. She thought maybe she and Jiang Tang had felt the same way—that this emotion was oppressive and heavy, and needed to be handled with care.

Maybe she had moved on. Maybe her emotions had gotten the better of her. Maybe this bond was precious enough to fill the most important part of her heart, and she simply didn't want to think of it as that kind of feeling.

When she came back to herself, she was already sitting beside Jiang Xu. The conductor was counting passengers, and when she reached her, Liang Xiaoqing took out money and bought a ticket.

Jiang Xu looked at her, the corners of her eyes still a little red, but she couldn't suppress the light shining in them.

Liang Xiaoqing felt she was being ridiculous, but she had no better explanation. On instinct, she reached up to adjust her scarf, only to realize she had given hers to Jiang Xu.

A thin layer of mist clung to the window. The bus to the county town was much nicer than the one they'd just ridden.

"I..." She paused for a moment, then sat up straight, avoiding Jiang Xu's gaze. "I'll see you off a little further."

The county middle school was much bigger than Shuiqing Middle School, with much better facilities. Liang Xiaoqing had come to parent-teacher conferences twice. The homeroom teacher was a woman who wore black-framed glasses and was always smiling. She told Liang Xiaoqing that Jiang Xu's grades were excellent, and she had a real shot at a top-tier university.

Jiang Xu was in the science track. She didn't talk much, but her thinking was sharp—she got things the moment they were explained. All the subject teachers liked her, though her English was a bit weak. When the homeroom teacher analyzed Jiang Xu's grades with Liang Xiaoqing, she said, "Maybe she didn't build a solid foundation in English." She also noted with some regret that Jiang Xu had come up from a rural middle school.

Liang Xiaoqing, however, felt guilty, thinking she hadn't created an environment where Jiang Xu could learn English. The first time she attended a parent-teacher conference for Jiang Xu, she'd felt a little awkward. The homeroom teacher greeted her warmly and asked if she was Jiang Xu's sister. She thought that she was indeed playing more than just the role of a sister.

Back then, she still wasn't talking to Jiang Xu. Jiang Xu had gone to register on her own, leaving her a little note saying she could manage by herself.

Liang Xiaoqing thought she had been too harsh. It was still the hot season then, with the tail end of summer's heat lingering. She'd rushed to the county by bus, the school gates wide open, and almost all the new high school students had parents accompanying them. She hurried inside, anxious, asking around for the girls' dormitory building for first-years. Jiang Xu seemed to be keeping her distance—not too close, not too far, just within sight.

She thought Jiang Xu was just being childish, and in fact, that was true. Jiang Xu had barely spoken to her during that period. At that age, she'd done the same thing—when something didn't meet her expectations, she'd throw a little tantrum to make the other person notice her. Unfortunately, people were different. She couldn't project her own experiences onto someone else. Jiang Xu wasn't throwing a tantrum. She was genuinely afraid Liang Xiaoqing would say those words again, so she kept her distance.

Liang Xiaoqing searched dorm room by dorm room. The rooms looked decent—four people each, some with parents helping move luggage and make beds, others alone like Jiang Xu. She knew which class Jiang Xu was in, so she asked for all the dorm rooms in that class. But in the end, she couldn't find Jiang Xu anywhere, and her heart clenched with worry. Rebellious, disobedient thoughts rose in her mind. She was afraid Jiang Xu had decided not to come to school anymore.

She ran frantically down the dormitory building. The sun was blazing; it was already afternoon, and Liang Xiaoqing hadn't eaten. Hungry and hot, her head spinning, sweat streaming down her face from all the stair climbing. New students were still streaming in from outside the gates. They all wore that fresh, youthful look of their best years, and she thought Jiang Xu at this age was at her best too.

People pushed past her, but she searched for Jiang Xu in the crowd. She walked all the way to the teaching building where there were far fewer people, and her heart sank bit by bit. She didn't know what to do. She wanted to call Jiang Xu, but Jiang Xu didn't even have a phone.

She realized something very important, but what showed on her face was anger at Jiang Xu. At the same time, she couldn't believe Jiang Xu would really not come to register. Had all her efforts been in vain?

Liang Xiaoqing stubbornly walked back toward the school gate. The sunlight was fierce, and she was wearing short sleeves. With no trees to block the sun at the entrance, Liang Xiaoqing squinted, looking around. That's when she spotted a figure in the distance, dragging a suitcase and carrying a huge backpack, walking slowly forward. The backpack almost bent her spine, stuffed so full it looked ready to burst.

Rumble, rumble—the suitcase wheels clattered.

Liang Xiaoqing's gaze locked onto that slender form. She kept her head down, paying no attention to anything around her, just walking her own path.

All of Liang Xiaoqing's anger at Jiang Xu dissolved in an instant. Her heart settled heavily, and she hurried over: "Little Xu."

She stopped in front of Jiang Xu, and a wave of heat washed over them. She didn't know how Jiang Xu had managed to get to the school. Her face was flushed with heat, covered in sweat, droplets running down her cheeks. That probably counted as their first real thaw. Jiang Xu widened her eyes when she recognized her, stared for a moment, then raised a hand with difficulty to rub her eyes before finally speaking: "Xiaoqing Jie."

Her voice was a little hoarse. Liang Xiaoqing noticed her lips were dry and peeling, and said with concern, "I should have brought you to school myself."

Jiang Xu's brow shifted slightly, but her eyes were moist. Liang Xiaoqing took a tissue from her bag and carefully wiped the sweat from Jiang Xu's face. Jiang Xu stood still and let her, closing her eyes when the tissue reached them.

Liang Xiaoqing took the suitcase from her hand and walked beside her along the wide concrete path. Seeing Jiang Xu like this made her heart ache, so she led her to a bench by a small flowerbed to rest for a bit.

Liang Xiaoqing helped her take off the backpack, and the weight of it made the bench groan.

"Rest for a while," she said to Jiang Xu.

Tall trees shaded them from the sun, and the occasional cool breeze soothed the heat. Liang Xiaoqing sat down, and Jiang Xu sat too. They didn't speak, with the backpack that had nearly killed Jiang Xu between them. A gentle breeze blew over, easing the warmth, and Jiang Xu leaned back against the bench, growing drowsy, nearly falling asleep.

Luckily she didn't actually doze off. When Liang Xiaoqing got up, she stood up too. Liang Xiaoqing offered to carry the backpack, but she insisted on doing it herself, so Liang Xiaoqing pulled her suitcase ahead while Jiang Xu trailed slowly behind. Liang Xiaoqing deliberately slowed her pace, and gradually they walked side by side, their shadows stretching long on the ground. Liang Xiaoqing asked, "Which dorm are you in?"

"308."

Liang Xiaoqing nodded and helped Jiang Xu haul the suitcase up to the dorm with difficulty. Jiang Xu had arrived too late—the only bed left was the upper bunk by the door. The girl below her was making her bed, and when Liang Xiaoqing and Jiang Xu came in, she smiled and greeted them.

Liang Xiaoqing returned the greeting, and Jiang Xu nodded.

Liang Xiaoqing looked around the room. The adjacent bunk was taken, already made up. High school wasn't as free as college; bed curtains weren't allowed.

Liang Xiaoqing asked where the girls on the other two beds had gone. The girl replied, "They went out." Then she looked at Jiang Xu, a hint of curiosity and surprise in her eyes. "Hi there. What's your name?"

Liang Xiaoqing had been about to answer for Jiang Xu—it had become a habit.

"Jiang Xu." Jiang Xu said it before she could, so she wasn't always silent. The girl smiled. "Oh, I'm Chen Jing. You can call me Jingjing."

Jiang Xu nodded.

Seeing that the two got along well, the heavy weight on Liang Xiaoqing's heart eased. It seemed she didn't need to worry about Jiang Xu's social life. In dorms, among classmates, or in a larger class, marginalizing a student was all too common. With this distance between them, she was afraid that if Jiang Xu couldn't get along with people, what would she do? And Jiang Xu was a quiet one—she might not even tell her about it.

Chen Jing was warm and lively, and under her guidance, Jiang Xu was willing to say a few more words. Jiang Xu's bed was above her, still unmade. After a whole summer, the bed board was covered in dust. Liang Xiaoqing moved to make the bed, but Jiang Xu said, "No need," hesitating in her tone. After so many years together, how could she not know Jiang Xu's temperament? She shook her head with a smile and climbed up without another word.

Chen Jing and Jiang Xu watched from below, handing things up to her. Jiang Xu's brow was furrowed tightly, looking very nervous. Chen Jing didn't notice the look on her face and just told her to sit on her bed and wait, saying that if she went up too, there wasn't enough space for both of them and it'd be slower.

One made the bed, one handed things up—with the three of them working together, Liang Xiaoqing finished quickly. The bedding set was specially ordered from a tailor's shop. For Jiang Xu's schooling, she'd even had a single cotton quilt made, just fitting the single bed. Once the set was ready, she'd washed it at home immediately. The sheets smelled of the usual laundry detergent, a familiar scent, and she thought that would help Jiang Xu sleep more soundly.

She might have been sulking, but she still thought of Jiang Xu in every way. It wasn't deliberate—it just came naturally. And it was more like Jiang Xu sulking at her on her own.

She... she had stopped being angry long ago. What remained was more a blame of herself for not raising Jiang Xu properly.

She smoothed the sheets and climbed back down. Jiang Xu stood nearby and reached out to steady her arm as she descended the last step.

Jiang Xu leaned in from behind, and Liang Xiaoqing felt the warmth at her back. She struggled a little and said, "I'm fine." But Jiang Xu didn't let go, so she let Jiang Xu support her.

When her feet touched the ground, Liang Xiaoqing looked down, put on her shoes, and Jiang Xu was still behind her. She suddenly found this side of Jiang Xu a little tricky, and she struggled harder: "Okay." This time she pulled free, a smile playing at her lips, but when she turned and saw the hurt expression on Jiang Xu's face, Jiang Xu put more distance between them.

Chen Jing watched from the side and laughed. "You two have such a good relationship." She turned to Jiang Xu. "Your sister must be really good to you."

Liang Xiaoqing wanted to correct her, but the words caught in her throat, and she realized saying it like that wasn't wrong.

Jiang Xu said, "Xiaoqing Jie is very good to me."

She didn't look at Liang Xiaoqing when she said it. When Liang Xiaoqing looked at her, she seemed to be avoiding it, turning her head slightly.

There was feeling there after all. Liang Xiaoqing already regretted not coming to register with Jiang Xu today. With those words from Jiang Xu, she felt everything she'd done was worth it.

No matter how abnormal Jiang Xu's feelings for her might be, she could never ignore that this little girl had grown up right under her eyes. Some loves were different, but the emotion within them was the same. She should be more patient, give Jiang Xu more time to grow, let her really think about what she felt. From a life-experience standpoint, what Jiang Xu was expressing now seemed to Liang Xiaoqing like nothing more than an inexperienced attachment.

Jiang Xu was smart; she'd sort out her own feelings. And she would push her to study well, to get into a good university in the future.

Jiang Xu was reluctant to part with her, and she felt the same toward Jiang Xu—it was a different kind of feeling. Of course, she couldn't show it, lest Jiang Xu overthink.

Jiang Xu was at the age where she overthought most easily.

She treated Jiang Xu and Chen Jing to a meal, which was a good chance for Chen Jing to get closer to Jiang Xu.

They went to a small restaurant nearby. It was five or six in the evening, right at dinner time. Liang Xiaoqing led the two girls to a wooden table set up outside. This place had the best business, so the food must be good. The county town was livelier than the township, heat rising off the smooth concrete pavement. Liang Xiaoqing was sweating again. Jiang Xu sat beside her, cheeks flushed with warmth. Chen Jing kept glancing inside the restaurant, and as if to ease the awkwardness, she chuckled twice. "Heh heh, this place sure is busy!"

She didn't understand why Jiang Xu had such a good relationship with her sister but they said nothing at all sitting here. She looked at Liang Xiaoqing, then at Jiang Xu, and sat through the awkwardness. Jiang Xu must have noticed her discomfort, because she started chatting, asking why the restaurant had such good business, how one should study in high school, whether it was more intense than before, and where Chen Jing had come from.

Liang Xiaoqing listened to the two of them talk, chiming in now and then. The main point was to tell the two girls not to be afraid of difficulty—learning came down to persistence, and high school life would be a precious experience in life.

They chatted, and soon the server brought the dishes. Liang Xiaoqing's back was soaked with sweat from the heat. The dishes were fresh from the wok, steaming, all home-style food but everything Jiang Xu liked.

Once again, Liang Xiaoqing hadn't noticed her own habit. She bustled around helping the server set the food on the table and told them to eat. Jiang Xu looked at her, but the glance was fleeting.

By the end of the meal, the three had grown much more familiar. Liang Xiaoqing went to pay, while Jiang Xu and Chen Jing sat by the small table, no longer talking, quietly waiting for her to come back. Chen Jing and Jiang Xu had indeed grown closer. On the way back, Liang Xiaoqing asked Jiang Xu if she needed to buy anything. Jiang Xu said no, so she asked Chen Jing, who was a local and had everything she needed. She walked with Jiang Xu, and they soon returned to school.

The sun was setting, the sky streaked with burning clouds, and everyone coming and going through the school gates was gilded in gold. Finally, it was time to part. Liang Xiaoqing stood at the gate, smiling. "Go on in, you two. I won't come in." As she spoke, a scattering of golden light covered her eyes, and with them curved in a smile, she looked beautiful, like a lake touched by sunlight. Her gaze swept over both of them before settling on Jiang Xu. With a hint of reluctance, she said, "Take care of yourself. High school isn't like middle school—the pace is fast, the pressure is heavy. Be prepared."

Jiang Xu didn't speak. After a pause, she said, "I'm going."

This time, Jiang Xu didn't look back at her with that reluctant gaze. Liang Xiaoqing's eyes were full of boundless tenderness for her, but in the end, she too felt the ache of parting.

Chen Jing smiled and promised her, "Don't worry, Xiaoqing Jie." She called her "Xiaoqing Jie" after Jiang Xu. Jiang Xu's heart skipped a beat, uncomfortable, but when she saw Liang Xiaoqing's expression of indifference, she knew she hadn't taken it seriously at all.

So Jiang Xu turned and walked ahead.

She was angry that Liang Xiaoqing didn't understand her, angry that she knew what she meant yet pretended not to, and even angrier that Liang Xiaoqing was still as good to her as ever. She hadn't changed; she'd only become better at burying a feeling deep in her heart, in shadow, not knowing how long she'd have to keep it that way. She just never learned her lesson.

Chen Jing hurried to catch up with her. Liang Xiaoqing watched Jiang Xu's retreating back and smiled helplessly. Jiang Xu's rebellious phase seemed to have come a little late.

People kept flowing past her. Liang Xiaoqing raised her voice toward Jiang Xu's back: "Eat well, Little Xu!" Her shout drowned in the crowd, and she suddenly felt a pang of loneliness. She turned and walked against the flow.

But she didn't know Jiang Xu had already turned around and was watching her back for a long time, the same way, tears quietly welling in her eyes. She remembered Liang Xiaoqing's silhouette for many years.

Chen Jing saw her red eyes and couldn't help but ask, "Jiang Xu, are you that clingy to your sister?"

Jiang Xu wiped her eyes and said in a muffled voice, "I'm not."

They went their separate ways.

Now another year had passed. Jiang Xu grew older day by day, and Liang Xiaoqing's heart grew softer. She wanted to see Jiang Xu off a little further—that was all.