Sugar: Her Fingers Brushed Her Lips

It was the height of scorching summer, and the classroom felt like a steamer, uncomfortably hot. The two ceiling fans overhead, of unknown age, creaked and groaned as they spun, but barely stirred any air—those fans were probably older than the students sitting beneath them. Outside the window, cicadas droned on. On the podium, the teacher, drenched in sweat, kept lecturing tirelessly despite the heat.

Like a lullaby, the heat wore the students down; sighs of discomfort rose from time to time, and no one could focus.

Jiang Xu sat in the last row, where there was a bit more space behind her, making the indoor heat more bearable. She cracked the window open just two fingers' width, and the occasional breeze that slipped through the gap kept her from feeling too miserable.

Her hair was tied up high, but Jiang Xu was sweating—her back was damp with a patch of moisture, her skin sticky and uncomfortable. Propping her chin on her arm, she stared at the problems on the blackboard, drowsiness creeping in under the afternoon sun. She yawned, imagining herself after an evening shower, lying on her cool, comfortable bamboo mat with the fan blowing beside her—even with a thin blanket, she wouldn't be too hot. Just thinking about it made her feel a little cooler.

Her eyelids were heavy; she wanted to doze off.

“sinA=a/c……” The teacher's voice suddenly grew louder, jolting Jiang Xu out of her near-slumber.

“Class, perk up!” the teacher reminded them, wiped the sweat from his face, and continued lecturing. Jiang Xu's newly alert mind slowly sank back into drowsiness—the muggy afternoon was practically begging for a nap. But this time she didn't indulge the sleepiness. She forced her eyes open, jotted notes in her notebook at the right moments, and adjusted her state; that helped a lot.

She was listening intently.

“Jiang Xu, Jiang Xu!” Someone beside her called. It was Jiang Erya—this round of seat rotation had placed Jiang Xu and Jiang Erya in the same row, making them de facto deskmates, though each had their own single desk.

Jiang Erya was palpably excited, completely unaffected by everyone else's drowsiness. She rolled her eyes toward Jiang Xu and said, "I haven't read this magazine yet, so I'll lend it to you first." With that, she sneakily slipped a magazine over.

Jiang Erya had recently become obsessed with magazine books, unable to put one down once she started. The only place that sold magazines was the little shop—Jiang Erya would read there first, then want to take one home to read before bed. The shopkeeper said taking it out counted as borrowing, requiring a deposit. Jiang Erya's mother, Wei Shufen, had grown increasingly irritable, cursing at Jiang Erya every other day and insisting she drop out of school to come help with her work...

Not to mention, Wei Shufen never gave her any spending money—Jiang Erya didn't have a single cent to her name. But her magazine addiction was real, so she'd turned her attention to Jiang Xu: when borrowing books, she'd ask Jiang Xu for a little cash—two or five mao—and then give the magazine to Jiang Xu first. Borrowed for a week, four days in Jiang Xu's hands, and on the fifth day—the holiday—Jiang Erya would ask for the magazine back, letting her huddle under the covers and read on Sunday night.

For Jiang Erya, that was pure bliss.

Afraid the teacher might see, Jiang Xu quickly took the magazine and stuffed it into her desk cubby. Jiang Erya was even hotter than her, hair plastered with sweat; she smiled at Jiang Xu. "Don't forget—give it back to me Friday!"

Jiang Xu nodded. Because of that anticipation, Jiang Erya managed to stay energized until Friday—so much so that the teachers commented on how well she'd been doing in class lately.

Jiang Xu didn't actually care much for these magazines. They were filled with little stories, mostly about love—the shy, budding feelings between students. Either regretful or nostalgic, the romance stories rarely had happy endings. The magazine wasn't just popular with Jiang Erya; it was all the rage in class. One issue would pass from hand to hand, and by the time it came back, the whole class had read it.

At that age of budding awareness, everyone was curious about everything. There was a subtle atmosphere between boys and girls—if anyone glanced at someone else a moment too long, it became fodder for class gossip. Even Erya had started caring about her appearance, asking if her clothes looked good, whether she'd slimmed down compared to before, which older students were good-looking, and noting how the boy who gave a speech on the podium last Monday was rather delicate-featured... Everyone was caught up in it.

But Jiang Xu wasn't one of them. She had no such thoughts, out of step with everyone around her. The regretful school-life stories in the magazine always carried a faint melancholy, appealing to sensitive girls. Jiang Xu wasn't addicted to them; she just passed the time to stave off boredom. She had other thoughts—and in those images, there was always the silhouette of a woman.

Young, beautiful.

Jiang Xu noticed this subtle change in herself. She wouldn't, like Jiang Erya, pay undue attention to some boy. Every day, her thoughts revolved around matters related to Xiaoqing jie. Was she busy today? Did she have many classes? Had any student made her angry? Would Jiang Xu run into her at the cafeteria for lunch? She'd probably still be waiting at the usual spot in the evening... The rest of her attention went to class, and time flew by. Jiang Xu felt each day passing fully and meaningfully.

Overcoming physical fatigue, Jiang Xu refocused her attention in the sweltering heat and listened carefully. The sticky feeling on her skin mattered less now; the breeze drifted in through the window, letting her experience the truth of "a calm heart cools the body."

It wasn't until just before evening self-study that she brought Jiang Erya a bread roll—Erya was too absorbed in her magazine to bother with dinner.

"Thanks, Jiang Xu." Jiang Erya pulled a crumpled one-yuan note from her bag and handed it to Jiang Xu. Seeing Erya not even lift her head, Jiang Xu asked, "Is it really that good?"

"Mm. You'll see once you read it..."

Jiang Xu sat back at her desk, half-doubting, and pulled the magazine from her cubby, flipping to a random page. A grayish-white illustration showed two women in ancient costumes standing side by side. Jiang Xu glanced at the title.

*Hidden Palace*

She was a little curious.

"A Zang wondered lately if she'd gone muddled—ten years after Xi Gong's death, she could still see her. Xi Gong looked just as she had when they first met: round-faced, innocent, and carefree..."

It was a short historical story. Jiang Xu's eyes skimmed the page quickly, following the printed characters into the tale, until the phrase "lesbian" appeared near the end—Boom! Something exploded in her mind, rattling her ears with a buzz.

She snapped the magazine shut and shoved it back into her cubby, heart hammering, still reeling from the shock. The hand holding her pen trembled slightly as she pretended to write on her test paper; the characters came out crooked from her unsteady movements. In her mind, Jiang Xu told herself it wasn't like that.

She had never once thought of Xiaoqing jie that way.

But how could reason stand against the most honest feelings in the depths of one's heart? In the dead of night, when sleep wouldn't come, that thought surfaced to disturb her. Before, she'd been unable to figure out what this feeling really meant.

Liang Xiaoqing loved to joke with her, saying she'd gotten lucky—gaining a daughter as grown as Jiang Xu for nothing, and she'd enjoy blessings from now on... Jiang Xu always listened quietly, but she never once accepted that framing. Xiaoqing jie was so young—she was more like an older sister, not someone a generation apart. Jiang Xu had no idea what went through her head; she worried about every new wrinkle on her face, yet she was completely careless about how Jiang Xu addressed her.

Jiang Xu rejected that characterization from the bottom of her heart. She'd wondered whether that faint discomfort came from the fact that she and Liang Xiaoqing weren't that far apart in age. But when she heard what Yang Man had said, she felt uncomfortable all over.

Because that made her imagine Xiaoqing jie's future life: married, children, living a happy and contented life—just like a woman like Yang Man. Undeniably, Yang Man lived a comfortable life. If Xiaoqing jie had a life like that too, Jiang Xu ought to be happy for her.

But Jiang Xu wasn't happy about it at all. She didn't want that—didn't want Xiaoqing jie to live that kind of life, because it would make her feel like she had nothing... In truth, aside from Xiaoqing jie and an urn of ashes, she truly had nothing.

Frustration slowly turned to resentment, along with the fear that one day, her beautiful Liang Xiaoqing really would live the kind of life Yang Man described. That thought constantly reminded Jiang Xu that Liang Xiaoqing wouldn't stay with her for long.

After that, she'd be alone again.

And then Jiang Xu would be sad all over again... She kept thinking, kept trying to find a reason for her feelings, yet couldn't—even catching up on schoolwork had never been this difficult.

And then today, out of the blue, she'd read a magazine, and those few words were burned into her mind.

There was now a concept in her head she'd never had before. The words on her test paper blurred into a smear of black ink. She used the tip of her pen to point at each character of the question, reading silently, but her mind was still blank. Forcing her attention back to the paper, she read the question a second time—only to find she couldn't even grasp what it was asking. Her heart was still pounding, beyond her control.

She was thinking about those words in the magazine, turning them over and over, feeling uncomfortable until they prodded at something buried deepest inside her, something she could trace back to the secret in her heart.

Jiang Xu had never dared admit those feelings had anything to do with Liang Xiaoqing. She knew her feelings for Liang Xiaoqing were different, but she'd habitually explained them away as ordinary closeness—until she'd read those words.

Almost instinctively, she sensed the abnormality of these feelings.

Jiang Xu's heart ached faintly. Just as she came to understand her own emotions, she could only hide them away again.

Relying on muscle memory from doing problems, she hunched over and wrote, while inside her, waves crashed violently. Jiang Xu closed her eyes, then opened them again, forcing down the trembling in her chest and comforting herself that maybe she'd gotten it wrong...

But some things leave traces. Two people living under the same roof inevitably influence each other's habits—any subtle shift in the other person would be keenly noticed.

For example, Liang Xiaoqing had recently noticed Jiang Xu acting a little strange.

On the walk home after evening self-study, Jiang Xu would ask her what she'd done all day.

She told her, item by item. What could she do? Teach classes, grade homework, attend faculty meetings—she was teaching ninth grade now, and with the pressure on students, the teachers were wound tight too, spinning like tops all day. Of course, she couldn't say all that to Jiang Xu.

She thought Little Xu was just concerned about her, which was why she asked. Who else would bother with an extra question? She knew loneliness well—ever since leaving home, she'd often felt an even hollower solitude after busy days.

Yang Man said she was foolish, that having Jiang Xu around would be a hot potato—you can't reason with unreasonable people. Liang Xiaoqing might be called a civilized person, but the last thing society needed was a timid, civilized person.

Jiang Daguo being locked up didn't mean Jiang Lun wouldn't come causing trouble. Liang Xiaoqing had handled him several times before he finally quieted down.

Liang Xiaoqing did her utmost to help Jiang Xu, splitting a single salary two ways, and she still had to consider that Jiang Xu was a growing girl who needed extra milk and eggs. Household expenses had risen; her savings weren't accumulating as quickly as before, but she still managed to tuck a little away.

The most important thing was that the house no longer felt empty. When she fell asleep on the couch, someone would remind her to move to bed. When she wanted to talk, there was someone there—no more talking to herself...

Come to think of it, Liang Xiaoqing felt she wasn't really at a loss.

The day's fatigue melted away in conversation with Jiang Xu. Whatever Jiang Xu asked, Liang Xiaoqing answered briefly, then steered the topic elsewhere, chatting about this and that.

Today had been stifling and hot, but in the evening a light rain began to drizzle. Liang Xiaoqing wasn't supervising evening self-study tonight, so she returned home early. Jiang Xu had told her beforehand not to wait at the school gate. Jiang Xu had somehow gotten ahold of her schedule; whenever it wasn't Liang Xiaoqing's turn to supervise, Jiang Xu wouldn't let her come pick her up. She hadn't noticed at first, but later she caught on and smiled despite herself. "You... you're a real little schemer, aren't you..."

Tonight, Liang Xiaoqing had planned not to pick up Jiang Xu. But the rain outside drummed hard against the windows. A light drizzle turned into big raindrops; the trees swayed wildly, deepening into black waves under the wind, while the dim wall lamp by the door stayed lit. Seeing that the rain seemed only set to worsen, Liang Xiaoqing threw on a jacket and went out with an umbrella.

She'd left in a hurry, wearing a flaxen long dress. The curtain of rain swept away the summer's heat, and a gust of cool wind hit her—Liang Xiaoqing felt a chill. But she feared that if she were late, she'd miss Jiang Xu, leaving the girl to brave the rain alone.

Luckily, she made it. Liang Xiaoqing smoothly picked up Jiang Xu. Without an umbrella, Jiang Xu had come out later. Students trickled out of the school gate, and Liang Xiaoqing stood there as the rain intensified, splashing up puddles. By the time Jiang Xu emerged, she was soaked like a drowned rat, clutching her backpack to her chest and running headlong.

"Little Xu." Liang Xiaoqing hurried over and held the umbrella over her.

"Xiaoqing jie."

Whether from the rain or not, Jiang Xu's face was deathly pale, her hair plastered in wet strands, her thin short-sleeved shirt offering no protection against the dampness of the night.

"What's wrong? Are you cold?" Ninth-grade coursework was heavy, and Liang Xiaoqing knew Jiang Xu was very sensible; she rarely took leave in her three years of middle school, and she often pushed through discomfort to attend class. Worry crept into Liang Xiaoqing's voice: "Are you feeling unwell somewhere?"

"... No." Jiang Xu gently tugged Liang Xiaoqing's arm. "Let's go home, Xiaoqing jie."

Liang Xiaoqing let Jiang Xu hold the umbrella, then touched her head first. "Do you have a fever? You have to tell me if anything's wrong."

Jiang Xu's forehead was cool to the touch—no sign of fever. Her face was dotted with raindrops; Liang Xiaoqing wiped some away, then looked at her soaked short-sleeved shirt. She wrapped her arm around Jiang Xu—almost holding her by the waist, drawing close—and despite having brought two umbrellas, they ended up sharing one.

"Come on, let's hurry back. You need to change out of those wet clothes and take a hot shower to warm up."

Then, along the way, Jiang Xu asked her about all sorts of trivial things. Liang Xiaoqing was anxious to get home, eager to keep Jiang Xu from getting sick, but she still had to patiently answer her questions.

Strange—Little Xu had so much to say tonight.

Liang Xiaoqing fumbled in her pocket, grateful that the dress had one, and found a piece of candy. She had a habit of stashing little snacks in her pockets, usually to reward students who did well.

"Here, have some candy." She tore open the wrapper and popped it into Jiang Xu's mouth.

Raindrops tapped against the umbrella, dripping steadily. As Liang Xiaoqing slipped the candy into Jiang Xu's mouth, her fingers brushed against her lips.

With something to eat, Jiang Xu finally quieted down.

Liang Xiaoqing looped her arm around Jiang Xu and walked faster. By now, Jiang Xu was nearly as tall as her.

Her body was thin.

In Liang Xiaoqing's eyes, Jiang Xu still hadn't grown up.