2023

At Felicity Noodle Shop, Chi Xiaoman seemed startled by the long stream of words Chen Yue had just said. She froze and said nothing for a long moment.

She couldn’t even finish her noodles.

Chen Yue suddenly realized she had never truly lived Chi Xiaoman’s life. From the standpoint of an outsider, saying so many “don’ts” only made her sound overbearing.

She closed her eyes and said softly,

“Sorry. I said too much.”

As soon as the words left her mouth,

Chi Xiaoman actually blinked in surprise, then curved her eyes and laughed.

She looked genuinely happy.

Not fake. A plain, real kind of happiness.

Chen Yue didn’t quite understand.

Chi Xiaoman laughed for a while before asking in an amused voice,

“Didn’t you just tell me not to apologize so casually? Why are you apologizing yourself?”

Chen Yue said nothing.

Chi Xiaoman’s crescent-shaped eyes stayed lifted.

She told her,

“Eat your noodles. They’re going to get cold.”

Her tone was light and buoyant.

It was as if she hadn’t reacted much to what Chen Yue had just said; she didn’t seem offended, and she didn’t seem annoyed at being seen through, either.

Chen Yue remained silent.

She wasn’t someone who usually spoke little, and when she was there, there was generally no awkward silence.

But the two times she had met Chi Xiaoman,

it felt as if she were sharing space with a cotton wall; every sentence she said met a soft, cushioned response.

It wasn’t enough to make anyone angry.

It was just that it always felt like it shouldn’t be this way.

Still, even that feeling of nostalgia was quickly filed away by Chen Yue as “unnecessary” and “unstable.”

The rest of the meal was quiet.

Chi Xiaoman remembered that Chen Yue had given her the bowl with two eggs, so she took the initiative to pay.

Two bowls of noodles didn’t cost much. Chen Yue didn’t argue with her; when Chi Xiaoman paid, she just stood quietly behind her and waited.

After paying,

Chi Xiaoman turned around and hadn’t expected Chen Yue to still be waiting behind her.

So she clasped her hands behind her back, awkwardly.

She blinked, hesitated, and asked,

“You..."

Shouldn’t you be in Hong Kong? Why are you suddenly here?

Where are you going now?

She had many questions she wanted to ask, but couldn’t decide which one to ask first.

“I came here to handle something these past few days,” Chen Yue explained first.

Chi Xiaoman nodded and lifted the plastic curtain at the entrance for her. “No wonder that boss just now said you’d come to eat noodles again.”

Chen Yue lowered her head a little and followed her out through the curtain Chi Xiaoman held open. Her voice was muffled by the rustling plastic. “Because I happened to come once yesterday.”

Chi Xiaoman nodded again and didn’t ask, What were you here for yesterday?

They were no longer in a relationship where they could keep asking each other exactly what they were doing.

Outside Felicity Noodle Shop, one side was lined with high-rises, every window lit; on the other, narrow paths were dim enough that only blue-green shadows showed.

Maybe it was because she had eaten some noodles and two eggs, which was a bit much. Once Chi Xiaoman came out, she couldn’t help covering her stomach.

Chen Yue noticed the movement and took the initiative to say, “Let’s walk.”

No matter how unfamiliar they were with each other, there was no need to be this tense. Chi Xiaoman didn’t refuse. She nodded and said,

“Okay.”

It was almost June in Beijing, but the summer night still held a hint of coolness; the wind came slowly, like soft flowers brushing past.

They walked onto a side road leading up to a bridge.

The gentle wind made Chi Xiaoman feel a little dazed. She closed her eyes and stood in it for a while.

They walked on for a bit without feeling the need to speak. Both of them stayed quiet, but perhaps familiarity with the streets gradually dissolved the sense of unfamiliarity; by the end, the atmosphere was no longer as awkward as it had been before the noodles.

“Chen Yue.”

After feeling the wind for a while, Chi Xiaoman realized this was actually the first time she had really said that name out loud. But perhaps because she had silently said it to herself many times before, it went better than she expected; she didn’t stutter, and she wasn’t awkward.

“Do you think I’m especially unhappy right now?”

A summer night breeze; the road was dark on one side and bright on the other. Chi Xiaoman’s face was hidden beneath the brim of her baseball cap, making her look very thin and especially pale.

“I don’t think that,” Chen Yue said, looking at her and then at the stream of cars swaying below the bridge. Her words were simple.

“I just think you’ve changed a lot. You don’t quite seem like you used to.”

“That’s good.” Chi Xiaoman didn’t deny the change. Anyone who had seen how she used to be wouldn’t be able to connect that version of her with the one she was now. But because the person saying it was Chen Yue, it still made her feel somewhat uncomfortable.

But she really was no longer the Chi Xiaoman of before; when she felt uncomfortable, she would instinctively smile, and her tone grew lighter.

“Because I’m not unhappy.”

Chen Yue said nothing.

Chi Xiaoman didn’t like Chen Yue’s silence, so she kept explaining, just like that day when she had listed the evidence proving that Chen Yue really had gone to Nepal to volunteer; she laid out her own proof one item at a time.

“Just now I said it wrong. Those comments actually aren’t important at all, because a lot of people like me.”

“They’re very cute. They say good morning, good afternoon, and good night to me every day; they check my hashtag supertopic at midnight; they practice really cute handwriting and use all kinds of colored pens to write me handwritten letters.”

“Some of them treat me like a daughter, some treat me like a mother, and when I’m planning... planning to do something that nobody thinks well of, they support me, encourage me, and tell me it’s okay, as long as I’m happy...”

The summer night wind was cool.

Chi Xiaoman had only been in it for a little while before her nose started to feel blocked.

“There are still a lot of people who love me.”

“I know.”

She hadn’t expected Chen Yue to give such an affirmative answer. For a moment, Chi Xiaoman didn’t know how to respond.

But the next second,

she heard Chen Yue’s soft, gentle voice carried by the night wind to her ear.

“Once, at the airport, I saw them holding your signs. It was very cold, and there were many girls, all wrapped tightly in down jackets, stomping their feet as they waited for you outside. They were chattering away while hugging a huge can of hot cocoa, wanting to hand it to me when I passed by so I could warm up, because they didn’t want me to misunderstand you...”

“They’re all very cute.”

That was how Chen Yue summed up the whole thing. At least, that was how Chi Xiaoman took it.

So she smiled too and wanted to give Chen Yue’s words her wholehearted approval.

But Chen Yue said again,

“Just like you.”

Because at the end of that day, Chen Yue had also seen in the car that Chi Xiaoman, after coming out of the airport, hadn’t rushed off to get in and leave.

Instead, in the ice-and-snow cold, she drank hot cocoa with those girls and chatted while walking for a while.

Just like now, Chi Xiaoman froze at her words; the slight stiffness in her face, the pale fingers she couldn’t help worrying at the bridge railing, and, as expected, when she stuffed her left hand into her pocket, the two plum-flavored candies she had taken from Felicity Noodle Shop while paying still showed through, clenched tightly as if she couldn’t decide whether to give them to her.

“Give them to me.” Chen Yue reached out first.

“What?” Chi Xiaoman dodged a little.

Chen Yue looked at her and smiled, her hand still hanging in the air.

Chi Xiaoman had no choice but to stop dodging. Silently, she placed the two plum candies she had been gripping into Chen Yue’s palm, while explaining at once, “I grabbed them casually.”

“I know.”

Chen Yue didn’t sound like she had misunderstood her at all. She didn’t return the two candies Chi Xiaoman habitually tried to hand out; instead, she unwrapped one and ate it herself, then casually tucked the other into her pocket.

Chi Xiaoman glanced at it, but in the end, didn’t say anything about being embarrassed to ask for one back.

The scent of plum candy drifted over on the wind. She heard Chen Yue laugh softly, and felt that maybe she had misunderstood what that word cute meant, so she couldn’t help asking,

“Do you think insisting on making movies at this time is cute? In a pejorative way?”

“Why would it be pejorative?” Chen Yue looked at her from the side, as if she didn’t understand why Chi Xiaoman would say that.

Chi Xiaoman didn’t know how to answer.

But Chen Yue spoke again, not avoiding it and not blaming or resenting her. “Don’t overthink it. It’s a compliment.”

To be honest, Chi Xiaoman really couldn’t make sense of Chen Yue. Just how soft-hearted and generous did someone have to be, to not say a single bad word to an old lover like her, and still protect her face and pride from every angle.

“Why?” she couldn’t help asking.

“Chi Xiaoman.” Chen Yue paused for a moment, as if considering what wording wouldn’t make her tense up immediately. “Do you yourself even think this is a bad thing?”

Chi Xiaoman froze.

The wind brushed by slowly. Chen Yue asked her, “Is it because you didn’t discuss it with me that you feel sorry for me?”

Her voice was as soft as the wind. “Or are you afraid that acting on your own will eventually lead to the people who love you being disappointed in you?”

Tonight, all the childish stubbornness and pretense were torn apart. Chi Xiaoman froze for a very long time and had to admit that she would never be able to be completely at ease in front of Chen Yue. After a long while, she looked straight at the stream of cars crossing the overpass below and smiled slowly.

“I guess both.”

Chen Yue didn’t continue speaking.

Under normal circumstances, once she noticed that someone was becoming uncomfortable, she would stop in time and not keep pressing.

Only when Chi Xiaoman lowered her head and apologized to her, saying sincerely,

“Sorry.”

“I really didn’t discuss this with you. Just take it as me being stubborn and not listening to advice.”

did Chen Yue stand in the wind and look at her for a long time, calling her name with evident hesitation.

“Chi Xiaoman.”

Sensing something from Chen Yue’s expression, Chi Xiaoman caught a subtle imbalance; she felt that the next second, Chen Yue was going to ask a question she wouldn’t be able to answer.

The considerate version would be: Chi Xiaoman, if you need help with the film, you can just say so.

The more direct version would be: Chi Xiaoman, have you thought about the fact that we can still make the film together?

Of course, looking back later, she also understood that this was probably just her own wishful thinking. But at that moment, her brain ran at full speed and still firmly decided to let her evade it in the dumbest possible way.

“Chen Yue, I might have to go first.”

Although she knew this goodbye was too stiff, even if she added an apologetic tone, it still wouldn’t make Chen Yue feel much better about tonight’s meeting.

[Author’s Note]

Updating Little Neon on time for the eleventh day [glasses]

Still feeling all tied up inside [sunglasses]