It’s Not Your Fault

Li Lan didn’t know how Zhu Qing felt about that kind of thing. Did she enjoy the stimulation, chase the thrill, or have some other reason?

Deep down, Li Lan was very conservative. For something like this to happen, the timing, the place, and the people all had to be right—especially the people. If even one thing was off, she would rather not do it at all.

Before, she had been unwilling because Zhu Qing was full of uncertainty. She had no memories of the past, no understanding of Li Lan, and no real awareness of what their relationship even meant.

Before she lost her memory, Zhu Qing had clearly said she was disappointed in their relationship and had even expressed the thought of leaving. Li Lan wasn’t entirely sure why Zhu Qing wanted a divorce, so she could only guess based on the things Zhu Qing might reject.

She might guess it was her relationship with Yang Huayi.

She might guess Zhu Qing hated the entertainment industry’s environment, and then by extension hated the people in it, including herself.

She might guess it was because she was too busy, had no time, or even because she was too old and there was a generation gap between them.

Li Lan could only lay out all those possibilities one by one and let the amnesiac Zhu Qing go through them again and again, ruling them out, before she could fully accept her.

Now that the variety show was almost over, and the two of them had been through so much together, Li Lan had confirmed Zhu Qing’s feelings through repeated probing.

The other woman really did like her, and she really did want to keep living with her.

“Darling, why are you quiet again?” Zhu Qing urged from her arms. “You’re not going to go back on your word, are you?”

Zhu Qing cared a great deal about the answer to this question. She immediately grew anxious and kept pressing her: “You wouldn’t, would you? You wouldn’t. If you do that, I’m going to make a scene.”

Li Lan came back to herself, took Zhu Qing’s hands in both of hers, and lifted her to face her. “What kind of scene have you ever made that I haven’t seen?”

Zhu Qing could hear the teasing in her tone. She didn’t blush at all; instead, she said bluntly, “A lot of things you haven’t seen. I’m really very easy to get along with when it comes to you. If you really dump me, then I...”

Li Lan looked at her with a smile in her eyes. “Then what?”

“I’ll run away from home!” Zhu Qing thought of that house; the one she had dreamed about, the one she loved, the house Li Lan had already bought and given her. Very unpromisingly, she hesitated for a moment. “Or I’ll throw you out on the street.”

Li Lan said casually, “Either one works. I stay in hotels a lot for work anyway. Now that I finally have a vacation, if you won’t let me go home, then I’ll just keep staying in hotels.”

Zhu Qing wasn’t about to be led around by her. She didn’t feel sorry for her at all. “What would you go home for? We’d each sleep in our own bedroom, on our own two-meter-wide beds. You might as well stay in a hotel.”

Seeing that she hadn’t been led off course, Li Lan couldn’t help laughing. “You’ve gotten smart.”

“Playing weak won’t work,” Zhu Qing said slowly. “As for your attitude, I know it now. And of course you know my attitude too. When the time comes, it’ll come down to who’s better at it.”

It sounded almost like a declaration of war, and Li Lan didn’t even know how to respond. Fortunately, the production team soon came to call them back so they could continue filming.

The rest of the shoot proceeded in a fixed sequence. In the end, Yang Huayi and Qi Yi personally came to hand out gifts; they had prepared presents for every pair of guests.

Yang Huayi was rich and generous. Zhu Qing received an entire box of camera lenses and nearly broke into a sycophantic smile. Qi Yi was a little more thoughtful; she gave them local cultural products.

After they finished filming the finale, the crew came over to ask whether everyone wanted to leave together. Some guests had originally wanted to stay in the area a little longer, but after the lion attack, no one wanted to remain. Everyone boarded flights home one after another.

Li Lan and Zhu Qing had booked a nine o’clock flight that night; they could sleep and be back in the country by morning.

“We’ll go back and pack our luggage first,” Zhu Qing said. “Does Teacher Li have any plans?”

They didn’t have much luggage to begin with. Li Lan was thinking about whether to buy any local specialties.

“Xiao Bao likes mummies,” Zhu Qing suggested. “Let’s go buy her a mummy.”

Li Lan’s eyes flickered very quickly. She pressed her lips together. “You go.”

“What’s the point if I go alone? Of course we should go together,” Zhu Qing said, pulling her along. “There are so many local specialties; I can’t carry them all by myself either.”

Li Lan still refused with a straight face. “I don’t like mummies.”

“Not a real mummy,” Zhu Qing tried to explain. “Just something shaped like one.”

“That won’t do either,” Li Lan said, her resistance obvious. “Those wrapped corpses are too ugly.”

“You wait outside. I’ll go in and buy it myself, then I’ll put it in a box and not let you see it.”

“Then I definitely won’t go in.”

The two of them argued back and forth as they walked, the atmosphere relaxed, laughter never stopping.

Back in the hotel room, when they stepped out of the elevator, they saw someone standing at their door.

It was Yu Ling.

Yu Ling’s own luggage was by her side; she seemed to have been deliberately waiting for them.

Zhu Qing really felt no sympathy for her anymore.

There was a kind of person whose own mistakes ruined her; no one had ever wronged her, and it was all because she had gone too far. Even Zhu Qing could no longer stand it.

“What are you doing here?” Zhu Qing’s tone was sharp. “The show’s over. What scene haven’t you finished playing?”

Li Lan quickly scanned the surroundings, staying alert.

Yu Ling’s voice was completely flat. “Don’t bother looking. There are no cameras or recording devices.”

“What are you here for?” Li Lan asked calmly.

Yu Ling wore a dead-eyed, numb expression.

“Just here to give you a reminder.”

Li Lan’s tone was cold. “Not needed.”

Yu Ling drooped her eyelids and pulled at the corners of her mouth. “You may not be curious, but Zhu Qing definitely will be. Zhu Qing, do you know why Yang Huayi is protecting Xiao Bao?”

Zhu Qing immediately said, “I really am not curious.”

Li Lan didn’t even change expression. “This has nothing to do with you. Leave my room now.”

Yu Ling stared coldly at Li Lan, then moved her gaze to Zhu Qing and continued speaking to herself.

“I’ve always been curious why you’d marry an outsider who was so ordinary in every way. How is she worthy of your liking?” Her voice was neither high nor low; she didn’t bother hiding anything, nor did she bother raising it. “Only later did I realize—you didn’t really like Zhu Qing at all. The one you liked more was clearly someone else.”

“Shut up.”

A low, sharp warning.

Li Lan froze and looked at Zhu Qing.

That was Zhu Qing’s voice.

“Stirring up conflict is just a child’s trick. If you ask me, you and your CP, Qi Yao, have been playing the same childish game since the very first episode of filming. Are you two playing house? Your methods are truly clumsy.”

“This kind of low-level setup—acting to someone’s face and slandering them behind their back—you and Qi Yao really have a pathetic standard,” Zhu Qing said, pausing for a moment. “And your low level of education, to the point that you can’t even read common characters properly. There isn’t a single thing about you that’s worth anyone’s approval.”

Yu Ling had always been proud and arrogant. After one blow after another, she had already broken down. Now, to be trampled and insulted by someone she looked down on completely only made her chest ache with anger.

Li Lan swiped the card and opened the door, completely ignoring Yu Ling as she pulled Zhu Qing inside.

“Yan Jin!” Yu Ling cried out hoarsely. “The person you like is Yan Jin. You’re raising her daughter on one hand, while flattering Yang Huayi with the other. In your spare time, you even found a female college student to marry. Li Lan, why do you think you’re so pure and clean? You’re the filthiest person of all!”

“Did Yang Huayi tell you all that?” Li Lan asked, one hand on the door, still holding it in the position to close.

Yu Ling glared at her hatefully. “Why should you and she have such good luck? Why can Zhu Qing marry you? Why do you get Yang Huayi’s favor? Yan Jin was inferior to you in every way, so why did she get a share too?”

Li Lan felt something was off. “You brought up Yan Jin in front of Yang Huayi?”

Yu Ling laughed coldly. “Of course.”

“What did she say?”

“Why should I tell you?” Yu Ling shot back. “But it doesn’t matter if I do. Yang Huayi said Yan Jin was beautiful too; in fact, you weren’t even the only one she liked. She’s had so many stars under her wing; you’re just one of them.”

Zhu Qing was getting speechless listening to this. She pulled Li Lan aside and pointed at Yu Ling’s nose in warning. “First, Li Lan never debuted. She was never one of Yang Huayi’s artists. Second, even someone like Li Lan, an undeployed ‘trainee,’ could make Yang Huayi care and affirm her so much. You don’t even have the qualifications to compare yourself to Li Lan!”

After saying that, Zhu Qing waved one hand and slammed the door shut with a bang.

“Don’t listen to her nonsense,” Zhu Qing said, bending down to take off her shoes. “She just lost too miserably and can’t accept it. People like that never look for the reason in themselves. In my words, she’s a purebred giant baby.”

Li Lan still had Yu Ling’s words echoing in her mind. Not the part where Yu Ling had insulted her, but the part about Yan Jin.

Yu Ling had misunderstood one thing, and because of that, she had gone in the wrong direction on so many matters.

Yang Huayi definitely did not like Li Lan.

Li Lan was convinced of this because she had once discovered that Yang Huayi had a secret lover. Yang Huayi was a single-life absolutist; the only people around her were lovers. Yet during that period, she wore a ring and openly and secretly implied that she “had someone by her side.”

Li Lan had come out of an orphanage. She was exceptionally good at reading people and situations. She could sharply sense that Yang Huayi’s feelings toward her were more like an artist’s feelings for her muse, while Yang Huayi’s feelings for that secret lover were the kind of liking and trembling that belonged between lovers.

Yu Ling had misunderstood Yang Huayi, which was why she had targeted Li Lan in every possible way and stirred up this whole accident, giving Li Lan the leverage to bargain with Yang Huayi.

But Yu Ling’s final words had still caused a vague suspicion to rise in Li Lan’s heart.

Was Yang Huayi’s obsession with Xiao Bao because of her, or because of Yan Jin?

If it was because of Yan Jin, then what exactly was the relationship between Yang Huayi and Yan Jin?

“Li Lan, Li Lan!”

Zhu Qing called to her. “Why are you still standing there? Hurry up and pack!”

Li Lan came back to herself and forced a smile at Zhu Qing.

“Why aren’t you even jealous or bothered?” Li Lan asked a little dazedly. “Yan Jin’s relationship with me.”

Only after speaking did she realize what a stupid question that had been.

“Not really,” Zhu Qing said, completely unconcerned. Smiling, she said, “From the way you treat Xiao Bao, it’s obvious you and Yan Jin have some old grudge.”

Li Lan put away all the clothes, fell silent for two seconds, then said softly, “You’re right.”

“Really?” Zhu Qing was surprised. “Weren’t you two good friends?”

Li Lan said faintly, “Before we entered society, we supported each other. After we entered society, we slowly drifted apart. Later, when neither of us could debut, I chose to keep fighting my way up; she chose to marry and have children.”

Li Lan stopped here. Even though she was controlling her emotions, Zhu Qing could still hear the disapproval in her voice. “How could she place her hopes on someone else supporting her?”

Zhu Qing thought for a moment, then said sincerely, “You’re strong and amazing. You chose to go out and fight your way forward, but not everyone can be as rational and decisive as you. From what I can tell from your conversation, Yan Jin probably wasn’t as pretty as you, and she wasn’t as likable either. Your success depends on natural advantages; you can make a career for yourself, even support me, but Yan Jin might not have been able to.”

Li Lan frowned. “I know. That’s why I chose to respect her. But what was the result? Her ending was terrible. She died not long after giving birth, and the man she married never came to see her even once from start to finish.”

Zhu Qing sighed. “I guessed as much. Don’t blame her anymore. She probably didn’t want that either.”

Li Lan’s hand, which had been folding clothes, paused slightly.

Zhu Qing walked to her side, crouched down, and wrapped her arms around her; she rested her chin in the hollow of Li Lan’s shoulder and spoke softly.

“You were willing to spend money on Xiao Bao, hire a family tutor with a million-yuan annual salary, keep all kinds of expensive educational trips going without interruption, and even have two nannies look after her,” Zhu Qing said in a low voice. “But you wouldn’t treat her more gently, wouldn’t get closer to her. You were resenting her mother.”

Li Lan didn’t speak; her eyes gradually turned red.

“You resent that she took a different path from you, resent that she promised to fight alongside you but ended up marrying someone, and even more, resent that after marrying she didn’t live properly but instead lost her life,” Zhu Qing’s voice grew a little sad too. “You resent that she left the child to you. You didn’t want to raise her child for her; why was she allowed to leave whenever she wanted?”

Zhu Qing felt Li Lan’s breathing grow tight and uneven. She lifted her head and kissed the side of Li Lan’s face; her voice was as gentle as water, like a clear spring washing over the pain that had settled in Li Lan’s heart for years.

“She was wrong. Don’t blame her anymore.”

Li Lan choked out a soft “Mm.”

Zhu Qing pressed close to Li Lan’s ear and murmured, “And don’t blame yourself anymore either.”

Li Lan’s tears broke free all at once.

————————

Zhu Qing put her hands on her hips. “I’m a little angel.”

Li Lan nodded. “Mm. Mine.”

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TL Note:

“鸽了我” (“pigeon me”) is slang for flaking or ghosting. I translated as going back on her word.

“别听她蛐蛐” (“don’t listen to her chirp”) is slang for badmouthing or gossiping behind someone’s back. I softened it to “nonsense.”