Swallowing

Making food for Yu Mao with her own hands was the only thing Nan Changgeng had left to try. If that still didn’t work, she didn’t know what else she could do.

Yu Mao watched her knead the dough for a while, then her gaze settled on the exposed white skin of Nan Changgeng’s forearms as she leaned in slowly and sniffed.

Citrus perfume. Fresh, faintly bitter, mixed with the mellow warmth of body heat. Yu Mao drew it in with her breath and swallowed it down.

In an instant, a fire seemed to start in her stomach. Yu Mao blankly pressed a hand to her abdomen. Dinner still lingered in her mind; she remembered drinking the milk from the thermos in the dorm, so she shouldn’t have been hungry.

After thinking for a moment, she walked over to the counter covered in ingredients, picked up an orange, and rinsed it under the tap.

Lin Baiyu was perched on a chair practicing her song. It was the second public-performance track she’d chosen, and among all the contestants busy with their own tasks, she alone looked relaxed.

In the back kitchen, singing mixed with the clatter of utensils. Chen Xia whipped egg whites at lightning speed; Nan Changgeng, worn out from kneading, used the rolling pin to beat the dough; Yirui An added sugar until it became monosodium glutamate, then took a bite and let out a sharp scream.

Yu Mao… rinsed the citrus clean, tore off a small piece of peel, and put it in her mouth, chewing it slowly.

By the time Nan Changgeng looked up and noticed her, she had already eaten half the peel.

“...!?”

“Why are you eating orange peel!?” Nan Changgeng snatched it away in disbelief. “How can you just eat it raw? Don’t you have any sense of taste at all?”

Yu Mao’s nose twitched, taking in the green, sharp bitterness around her. Her eyes were clear and empty. “I can taste it...”

“I...” She lowered her head, held up one index finger to her chest, then slid it downward and poked her stomach. “I’m hungry. I eat what I’m craving.”

“You like this taste?” Nan Changgeng was even more surprised. She opened her mouth, then hesitated. “That’s a pretty unusual preference...”

“Eating it straight will upset your stomach. You can dry it into chenpi and steep it in water. Stop eating it; you can have something proper later.”

She set the citrus with half the peel missing aside, not noticing that Yu Mao had lifted her head to look at her, confusion and numbness filling her eyes.

Yu Mao honestly couldn’t quite understand what she was doing either. She was just following her craving.

When she felt hungry, she ate food that was similar to the scent and flavor that had made her hungry. But it wasn’t enough. She didn’t know how to fill that hunger, the hunger she wasn’t even sure was really in her stomach.

She ate a lot of fruit for the same reason. Nan Changgeng seemed to own all kinds of fruit-scented perfumes; in the past, whenever Yu Mao came to see her and caught the scent, she would feel hungry.

So she started eating oranges, lemons, apples, peaches, watermelons, lychees...

Eating them let the similar taste briefly fill her mouth; when it slid down into her stomach, it had to pass through her chest, and that offered only the slightest compensation for the desire rising from there.

She went back to the counter and took out several kinds of fruit, cutting them into a fruit platter to deal with the program crew’s task in a completely perfunctory way.

Half an hour later, Nan Changgeng’s chicken wrap was ready. The ingredients were simple, low in oil and salt: lightly pan-seared chicken breast, a lettuce leaf blanched just until half-cooked, all wrapped in a thin, chewy flatbread.

She took a piece of greaseproof paper, wrapped it up, and handed it to Yu Mao, watching her movements with a faint unease, not daring to expect too much.

Yu Mao held the wrap in both hands and stared at it for a long time, as if it were something novel. After a while, she actually lifted it with both hands until it was level with her eyes, studying it like a sacred object. The sight was almost comically solemn.

Nan Changgeng went from impatient to helpless. She crossed her arms and shifted her stance, wanting to see what else Yu Mao could possibly do.

Unexpectedly, in the very next second, Yu Mao shoved the wrap into her mouth and chewed furiously as if she were starving. It was as if, in that brief moment just now, the wrap had turned into a stream of data invading her world and truly become food she could eat.

And she had been hungry for so long that now, finally finding food, she could barely wait to swallow it whole; after only a couple of chews, she was already trying to gulp it down.

“Slow down, slow down; don’t choke. No one’s going to take it from you.”

Nan Changgeng watched with growing alarm, afraid Yu Mao might accidentally choke herself to death. Her hand hovered in the air, unsure whether she should stop her.

Fortunately, perhaps because she was a natural at this, Yu Mao somehow managed to swallow the entire chicken wrap at top speed without choking.

Nan Changgeng poured a glass of water and handed it over, motioning for her to drink and help it go down.

Yu Mao dropped the greaseproof paper, took the cup, and drank it all.

Nan Changgeng looked at her with complicated eyes and couldn’t help letting out another sigh.

“So if I make it, you can eat it, is that it?”

She truly didn’t understand what made her special, but she didn’t know much about mental research and couldn’t judge whether this was reasonable.

Yu Mao didn’t deny it, nor did she nod. She seemed to understand nothing at all, only murmuring something very softly.

Nan Changgeng didn’t catch it clearly, but Lin Baiyu was the first to ask.

“Hm? Hm? What did you say?”

When she turned her head, she saw that the few people who had been busy with their own tasks were actually all secretly watching the scene, eyes bright as they stared at them.

“...”

Yu Mao stopped speaking. Her face seemed to go a little paler, and tiny beads of sweat appeared on her forehead.

Nan Changgeng was especially sharp at that moment; the instant she saw it, she realized something was wrong. Before the joy of finding a solution could even spread, it was doused with a bucket of cold water, leaving her heart trembling with panic.

“What’s wrong?! Are you uncomfortable?”

Yu Mao tried to answer, but her lips pressed together uncontrollably, and she held her breath against the twisting pain and the urge to vomit rising from her stomach.

The food she had swallowed seemed to have turned into cold metal shards in her stomach—hard and sharp, desperately resisting digestion by the stomach acid, trying to force their way back up and out through her mouth.

She was angry. The food had been given to her by Changgeng; it should have belonged to her completely, yet it was being so disobedient, trying to run away.

She used all her strength to make this body hold it in. Cold sweat broke out in wave after wave across her forehead and back; the churning in her stomach only grew more violent, leaving her no time to even answer Nan Changgeng’s questions.

Chen Xia said, “Did she eat too fast and upset her stomach?”

“If she’s been drinking milk all the time, she might already have trouble adapting to solid food with any texture,” Lin Baiyu said with a frown, concern in her voice.

Nan Changgeng grew even more anxious at the words. Watching Yu Mao’s face grow paler and paler, she said, “If you feel sick, just throw it up. Don’t force it, okay?”

Yu Mao closed her eyes and said nothing, as if she had already shut out the outside world and sunk into a deeper layer of consciousness.

Standing slightly behind Yu Mao, Yirui An had watched the whole thing and gradually became strangely thoughtful.

In a sense, she should have been the contestant who understood Yu Mao best. The others only saw Yu Mao as special, but Yirui An, shaped by all kinds of fantastical creations, instinctively regarded her as something faintly unreal—a doll that had already been claimed by someone.

Through that fantastical lens, some of her impressions of Yu Mao were, by a strange coincidence, surprisingly accurate.

“I think she doesn’t want to vomit because that wrap was made by you.”

Yirui An looked at Nan Changgeng, her tone a little strange, as if there were even a hint of sourness mixed in.

Nan Changgeng froze; her heart gave a sudden jolt.

Once she understood, her thoughts instantly cleared. Shock and complexity were forcibly pushed down, and determination and decisiveness took over.

She grabbed Yu Mao’s arm as if lifting a kitten and, under the stunned gazes of the others, took her away directly, dragging her all the way to the bathroom before pressing the bewildered girl down beside the toilet.

“Throw it up. Now!”

Nan Changgeng rarely showed such overwhelming force, and her judgment clearly hadn’t been wrong. Yu Mao’s obedience was almost instinctive; she complied and opened her tightly shut mouth.

The moment her consciousness loosened a little, she could no longer hold her body back and let those struggling metal shards come back up.

Vomiting was also one of the body’s long-standing memories; it came even more naturally than swallowing food.

Once her stomach was empty, exhaustion and relief washed over her together.

Nan Changgeng also let out a breath of relief and casually pressed the flush button. She lifted the limp little cat and brought her to the sink to rinse her mouth.

Yu Mao spat out the water in her mouth and even washed her face. Water droplets clung to her eyelashes as she peered through the hazy mist at the woman’s expression.

“Are you angry?”

Her expression was nearly blank.

“...Not just that.”

Nan Changgeng’s throat tightened. Suddenly, a sharp pain struck her so hard she couldn’t help frowning.

“Don’t do things like this to prove your love.”

She gave up on thinking about whether it was appropriate to say and let the words burst out under the weight of her emotions.

“That’s childish. Do you understand? It was just a wrap. If your stomach feels bad, throw it up. Why force yourself? No one needs you to hurt yourself just to show how much you care about me.”

Yu Mao slowly shook her head and tilted her face up to look at her. Her eyes were clear, yet vast and blank. “I wasn’t trying to prove anything... or express anything. I just didn’t want to throw away what you gave me.”

Nan Changgeng gave a bitter smile. Just as she’d expected.

Why did she feel pain? Because she had already realized that even after saying all that, Yu Mao still wouldn’t understand.

If Yu Mao had really done that because she’d childishly wanted to prove her love, she would have actually felt more at ease.

Maybe she was the one living in Yu Mao’s world, but Yu Mao... was not living in hers; not even in the real world.

This love was no longer something she could accept so easily all at once. Yu Mao was like a child whose mind hadn’t fully developed, yet she had been drawn in by something unknown and loved an adult like a moth flying into a flame; she didn’t understand the first thing about protecting herself and might even have already lost her sense of pain.

If this went on, she was afraid Yu Mao might burn herself to ashes...

Nan Changgeng knew that this gift was gradually beginning to reveal the price hidden behind it. What was exposed before her eyes now might only be the tip of the iceberg.

It seemed she had gained a love so pure there wasn’t a trace of impurity in it; but it was still only love. Yu Mao was the vessel that held it, not a living person.

What was the true base color of Yu Mao’s personality?

She couldn’t feel it.

It was all empty. She was just a shell.

So was that love really love?

Many emotions surged in her chest, but all of them were kneaded together with fear.

“Changgeng...”

Yu Mao once again sensed her emotions keenly, and pain crept into the blankness of her eyes.

“Are you unhappy? Did I do something wrong? I’m sorry. Next time I’ll do whatever you want, as long as you tell me what you need.”

She always shifted with Nan Changgeng’s moods; always absorbed her pain as fast as possible; always gave up on herself first, only hoping to be useful to her.

Nan Changgeng quietly bit her lower lip and squeezed her eyes shut, forcing back the tears that had welled up.

She cast off all her panic and doubt, and a heavy certainty settled into her heart.

She had never had the right to say no in the first place; why hesitate over things that hadn’t even happened yet.

She needed Yu Mao too much, even to the point of needing the sickness in that love. Like a patient in unbearable pain who knows they shouldn’t overuse medication, yet still can’t give up a fast-acting painkiller.