Longing

Mother never returned to Jiangshi again.

So Mother never knew that she still had another child.

Back when she and Madam Lin were preparing for pregnancy, they had frozen eggs. Their marriage was still legally intact, so Madam Lin was able to retrieve her eggs very conveniently and bear Lin Zhao.

When Lin Yang saw Madam Lin again, she realized that her mother was pregnant.

Pregnant, Madam Lin’s features had softened compared with before. She sat holding a book on prenatal education and reading it.

Lin Yang took two steps back and stared in shock at the slight bulge of Madam Lin’s belly.

Madam Lin coldly told her that the child in her womb was her younger sister. She would not be like Lin Yang’s mother and betray marriage, and the daughter she gave birth to would not be like her either.

Lin Yang muttered that she understood.

After years of relentless admonishment, Lin Yang slowly came to believe that she owed this family.

After her younger sister was born, she was cherished in every possible way at home, second only to Madam Lin in authority.

But everyone hid from her the existence of her other mother.

It was probably around elementary school when Lin Zhao learned that she had another mother too, and that this mother was far away in the south, sending gifts only to her older sister once a year.

She would secretly come to the little building and cling to the window frame, her black-grape eyes peeking through.

She had been raised as an heir from childhood, taught to keep her little face tightly composed, eyes wide and voice soft, and she asked in an intentionally casual tone, “Sister, what are you eating?”

At the time, Lin Yang was only in middle school. She met her sister’s gaze and, after a brief silence, told her, “Egg rolls.”

Her sister’s eyes brightened a little, full of anticipation.

Looking at the young and ignorant child before her, Lin Yang felt that the two of them were both pitiful; they were the only two people in this vast estate who had any connection to their mother. Their blood and genes were linked.

After looking at each other for a while, Lin Yang asked, “Do you want to try some?”

“Can I, sister!” Lin Zhao was so excited that color rose in her small face. She came inside and curiously examined the tin box holding the egg rolls.

It was actually a very ordinary brand, with a very ordinary taste too, oily and sweet, and many of them had crumbled during transport.

But they were also just ordinary New Year’s snacks that ordinary Gangcheng people would buy for children to eat for fun.

It felt as if eating them meant becoming Mother’s child.

They sat on the attic carpet of the little building and shared the egg rolls.

Lin Zhao held them carefully; egg rolls crumbled easily, and bits fell onto her exquisite little dress, so she hurried to catch them with her hands.

She ate them with great care, licking the crumbs from her palm until it was clean.

“They’re very tasty, sweet,” Lin Zhao asked softly, “...Does she like sweet food?”

Lin Yang said, “She does.”

“Oh.” Lin Zhao paused, then said earnestly, “I like sweet food too.”

Lin Yang looked deeply at this sister, with whom she rarely had any contact, and realized that she was searching for a connection to Mother.

She took out Mother’s letters and read them to Lin Zhao.

Everything was done in secret.

Mother was a woman who could not be mentioned in this estate; only the little building where Lin Yang lived allowed Lin Zhao to glimpse traces that Mother had once existed.

When Lin Yang was in middle school, she was very softhearted toward Lin Zhao. She even blamed herself for Lin Yang not having a mami to be born and raised by, and carefully told her about Mother’s past.

This carpet had been brought back from Gangcheng by Mother. Mother liked sitting at this window and playing the piano. The paintings on the wall were all Mother’s work, and these flowerpots too; Mother had planted many jasmine flowers.

Lin Yang said very little, but Lin Zhao listened very carefully.

The two little figures sat in the remote attic, clinging to the faint warmth Mother had once left behind, like two lonely birds abandoned by their mother.

At that time, Lin Yang truly believed that she and Lin Zhao should be on the same side.

But when Lin Zhao grew up, she came to hate her.

Especially after Madam Lin only took Lin Yang with her to Gangcheng to visit their mother on her deathbed.

She perversely laid all of it, every single thing, at Lin Yang’s feet.

When Mother had made a scene about divorce, Madam Lin, in order to keep her, had set up a massive trust fund for her.

But after returning to Gangcheng, even though the cancer had reached its late stage, she refused to use that trust fund, as if she wanted to prove that love was above everything else to her, especially Madam Lin’s nauseating money.

Only when she was on the verge of death did she contact Madam Lin and say she wanted to see Lin Yang one last time.

At the time, Lin Yang was on her senior-year National Day break. She flew to Gangcheng with Madam Lin, and after winding through a maze of alleys, they finally found Mother in a dilapidated cubicle in a tenement building.

Her hair had already been shaved completely clean. The deep bone structure that had once highlighted her beauty was now gaunt, almost frightening.

When she saw Lin Yang, tears fell from her eyes at once. She motioned for Lin Yang to come sit beside her, and touched her face, her fingers cold and rough.

Mother smiled and said in a breathy voice, “Baby, it’s so nice that you’ve grown up and become beautiful.”

Madam Lin stood nearby, quietly watching the wife she only held in legal name, forcing herself to stay calm as she said, “Ayuan, say you’re sorry. I have a private jet; I’ll take you back to Jiangshi and have the best specialists treat you. You can be cured.”

Mother ignored Madam Lin entirely. Stroking Lin Yang’s hand, she sighed and said, “Baby, in this life, Mother has only ever wronged one person, you... Don’t learn from Mother in the future.”

She had only come to see Lin Yang, and not a single word was exchanged with Madam Lin.

She said many things to Lin Yang until she was too tired and fell asleep, her sickly pallor obvious.

Her partner came in from outside and politely asked whether they wanted to sit a while longer.

Madam Lin left with a cold face.

The corridor was filthy and cluttered with a great deal of junk. Cold wind blew in from the courtyard lightwell. Madam Lin pulled her expensive cashmere coat tighter around herself and silently smoked a cigarette.

“She won’t use that trust fund. When you get back, have the lawyer transfer it to you,” Madam Lin said, turning back to glance at her. Her expression was indistinct in the smoke. “Lin Yang, remember this: don’t learn from your mother. That is the end her so-called love came to.”

Lin Yang couldn’t quite remember what else was said.

They stayed in Gangcheng for several days, living in the most expensive hotel, and went back and forth to the dilapidated tenement building several times to handle Mother’s affairs after her death.

The trip to Gangcheng once again stirred up the self-reproach buried inside Lin Yang.

She had originally thought everything was over, so she had rebelled against the route Madam Lin had set for her, enrolled in Jiangshi No. 1 Public High School, joined student council, and tried to do what she wanted.

But after seeing those final few moments with Mother again, she suddenly realized that she was still the culprit.

With tears in her eyes, she watched Mother’s ashes be scattered into the sea. Mother had not even been able to obtain a grave in that inch of land where every square foot was worth gold.

At that time, she had not yet developed the discernment to fully tell right from wrong. She had simply been blamed too many times, and through ignorance and constant exposure, she ended up placing all the blame on herself anyway, including for Mother’s death.

Now, Lin Yang sighed and pushed all those memories away.

No matter how great the sin, she had paid enough for it.

She was not a good daughter, and Mother and Madam Lin were not a good pair of partners, nor good mothers.

She really did always make the wrong decision on the important things.

Whether it was letting her mother leave, maintaining secret contact with her younger sister, or being with Xu Zhitong...

Lin Yang pressed a hand to her chest, holding back the pain there.

It was almost time. She left the little building and headed for the main house.

The daylight was fading, but the main house was brightly lit. Servants were busy preparing the dishes, and it did not seem to be just a simple family meal.

Passing through the entrance and down the long, stifling corridor, Lin Yang walked into the empty living room.

The butler appeared soundlessly. “Miss, would you like something to drink?”

“Water is fine,” Lin Yang said.

“Certainly. President Lin is upstairs handling work, and the second young miss and her friend are in the entertainment room.”

She even brought a friend?

Lin Yang frowned, not knowing what Lin Zhao was planning now.

“Got it, thank you.”

She smiled at the butler and thanked him politely.

She had no intention of going anywhere else. She had no sense of belonging here, and had never felt the happiness of home here.

It felt more like being a guest.

Sitting on the sofa, Lin Yang took out her phone from her bag and turned it over in her hand before unlocking it.

Xu Zhitong had already sent several photos.

She was helping Xu Ran and the others make dinner.

Three people were crowded into the kitchen, all smiles; the live photos even carried sound, and you could hear Xu Zhitong loudly saying, “Mommy, that fish splashed water on my face!”

Lin Yang looked at it, and a mix of envy and bitterness rose in her heart.

If not for her deception, Xu Zhitong might have enjoyed all of this much earlier.

Instead of being with someone like her...

Lin Yang bit her lower lip, not knowing what to reply.

It had been a long time since she’d come back here; it was as if she had suddenly been pulled from the happy little home she shared with Xu Zhitong back into cruel reality.

She did not think for too long.

From far away came the sound of the elevator. First was Lin Zhao’s laughter as she said, “Zishan, next time you have to take me there to play. It sounds so interesting!”

...?

A familiar name rang in her ears, and Lin Yang froze, an ominous premonition rising in her chest.

She stood up and, sure enough, saw Lin Zhao walking over arm in arm with An Zishan.

Lin Zhao was all smiles as she tilted her head. “Sister, you’re here? Let me introduce you to a new friend, An Zishan.”

Lin Yang’s expression cooled.

She said nothing.

An Zishan also froze. Looking at Lin Yang in surprise, she said, “Long time no see, Xiao Yang.”

Lin Zhao blinked. “Huh, you two know each other?”

An Zishan smiled. “I often go to Why for coffee. I didn’t expect such a coincidence; it turns out she’s your sister.”

She had never expected Lin Yang to have such an impressive background.

As An Zishan spoke now, the haughty edge she had when entangling herself with Lin Yang was gone.

After all, the An family wanted to marry into the Lin family, and they were the ones asking for a favor. Before coming out, An Zishan had already been nagged to death by repeated reminders.

Lin Zhao said, “That really is quite a coincidence! I still haven’t been to my sister’s coffee shop.”

She looked at An Zishan with interest, then at Lin Yang.

Turning her head, she asked the butler, “Has Mom finished with her work?”

The butler said, “President Lin said the dishes can be served; she should be downstairs soon.”

So Lin Zhao affectionately linked arms with An Zishan. “Come on, let’s go to the dining room.”

Lin Yang took a deep breath.

The main reason she had come here was to talk to Madam Lin.

For that, she could temporarily endure.

The dining room had a large round table. The seat of honor was empty, and naturally An Zishan sat between Lin Yang and Lin Zhao.

Mostly it was Lin Zhao and An Zishan talking.

The young lady of the An Group rarely had social occasions where she needed to ingratiate herself so carefully, and even her speech was a bit halting.

Lin Yang listened to them chatting about such dull things and opened her phone again.

Xu Zhitong and the others had finished dinner and were about to eat.

In the photo there were four dishes and one soup, all of it looking and smelling delicious.

Xu Zhitong cooked very well, and given that, her mothers’ cooking probably wouldn’t be bad either.

Lin Yang felt a pang of longing.

She typed slowly.

Y: It looks delicious.

Xu Zhitong, who was eating, replied instantly.

ZZZ: You’re there? It took so long. It’s really far!

ZZZ: Are you about to eat too?

Y: Yes.

She glanced at the cold appetizers the servants had just brought out. Madam Lin preferred Western food, and this was probably some seafood salad made from expensive lobster meat.

It looked utterly unappetizing.

From frugality to luxury is easy; from luxury back to frugality is hard.

Lin Yang thought with some sadness that if she were to make do with a sloppy meal herself in the future, she might not even be able to swallow it.

The dull ache in her heart deepened; once again, she felt longing.