Not by Nature

Xu Zhitong hummed to herself as she came out of the kitchen, grabbing a tissue from the dining table to dry her hands.

She noticed Lin Yang holding her phone and walked over curiously. “Hm? What’s wrong? Did someone call for me?”

Lin Yang handed her the hand cream on the table and said casually, “While we were eating, Auntie left a message asking what you needed yesterday when you called.”

Xu Zhitong was speechless.

As she squeezed hand cream onto her hands, she complained, “Then you should’ve replied for me. I don’t even know which country my mom and the others went to this time; they rattled off a whole string of place names. I’d just woken up yesterday and called them, and wow, the signal was terrible...”

She leaned in, and Lin Yang flipped the phone around to show her the message on the screen.

[What is it?]

[Called us yesterday]

The order was reversed too. The signal probably had been bad when they sent the text, too, so it had taken forever to spit out this scrambled version.

Xu Zhitong found it funny and said, “So that’s what happened. I talked to them for ages yesterday, and it turns out they didn’t hear a single word. They don’t care about me at all.”

Lin Yang said, “Auntie and the others probably had bad reception. Once they got to somewhere with a better signal, they must’ve messaged you right away.”

Xu Zhitong pouted.

“I don’t know what they’re thinking. When I was in school, they were busy with work and business trips every day. Now they travel every day, and their daughter was in a car accident. Shouldn’t they have some kind of telepathy?”

Lin Yang chuckled. “Hm? Isn’t that a little much to ask?”

Xu Zhitong huffed. “I don’t care.”

Lin Yang looked at her for a while, then said softly, “You should still tell Auntie. They’d probably fly back immediately to take care of you.”

As soon as she said it, she realized she shouldn’t have put it that way.

After all, the sixteen- or seventeen-year-old Xu Zhitong didn’t have a very good relationship with her two mothers.

It wasn’t just the rebellious phase; it was also because they were so busy with work that they had basically let Xu Zhitong run wild.

Sure enough, Xu Zhitong flopped back onto the sofa and said, “I won’t tell them. Anyway, I’ve got you keeping me company. Let my mom and the others do whatever they want; I don’t care about them either.”

Lin Yang pressed her lips together, feeling like she’d dug herself a hole.

When Xu Zhitong regained her memory in the future and thought back to this moment, she would definitely think Lin Yang was some scheming, bad woman.

Deliberately saying things like that to make Xu Zhitong, who only had the memories of a seventeen-year-old, turn against her mothers and refuse to contact them.

That way, the amnesiac Xu Zhitong would have only her by her side.

Even though, when Lin Yang had said it, she hadn’t had such despicable thoughts at all.

From her current perspective, she simply thought it was natural to value family relationships.

“...”

No matter how she looked at it, it was a dead end. Lin Yang gave up struggling and changed the subject. “Your management team is asking about you, too. They want to know how you’re feeling and when you might be able to go back.”

Xu Zhitong sat up and blinked. “Didn’t you help me ask for leave?”

Lin Yang said briefly, “Some people were spreading rumors that something happened to you and that the leave note wasn’t from you.”

Xu Zhitong said offhandedly, “It really wasn’t from me. You sent it.”

Lin Yang: “...”

Lin Yang looked at Xu Zhitong expressionlessly. Xu Zhitong looked back innocently, then grinned.

Just kidding.

Lin Yang turned off the phone, folded her arms, and walked up to the sofa. She lightly kicked Xu Zhitong’s leg, which was stretched out on the cushion.

Xu Zhitong reined in her smile and sat up at once. “Okay.”

After thinking for a moment, she said, “I watched a bit of the replay this afternoon, and I feel like if it’s just chatting with the bullet comments, there shouldn’t be any problem. If I need to, I can probably stream today or tomorrow.”

Lin Yang paused slightly. “You’re not scared anymore?”

Xu Zhitong looked up at Lin Yang standing in front of her, reached out, and pulled Lin Yang’s hand down from where it hung at her side, then held it herself.

She swayed their joined hands.

“What would I be scared of with you here?” Xu Zhitong said. “I really don’t feel like livestreaming, but that’s not really because I’m scared. It’s just... unfamiliar, so I’m a little resistant.”

She still couldn’t quite sort out what she felt inside. After speaking, she shook her head. “Ah, I don’t know either.”

Lin Yang pressed her lips together. “If you don’t want to livestream, then don’t. Later, you can send a few voice messages in the fan group. Once they hear you, they’ll feel reassured.”

Xu Zhitong was fine with that. “It’s okay. I can stream for half an hour or an hour tomorrow. Open that voice room you mentioned, don’t show my face, and don’t connect with anyone else; I’ll just chat with the bullet comments. That shouldn’t give anything away.”

After all, this had been her job before the accident. Although she hated that her two mothers were always busy with work and never had time to keep her company, Xu Zhitong also understood that work was important.

She didn’t want to leave a mess for herself to deal with once her memory came back.

Lin Yang didn’t know what she was thinking and simply said, “Mm.”

Xu Zhitong said, “Then you’ll be beside me when the time comes and remind me if I need it, okay?”

Lin Yang sighed helplessly. “Of course. I’ll put together some fixed steps and lines for you later; you can just read them while you’re streaming.”

“Oh! That’s amazing,” Xu Zhitong said, clearly not expecting that. Her eyes lit up and she looked smug. “So the young lady will be my assistant?”

Lin Yang looked disgusted, reached out, and pushed Xu Zhitong’s forehead back a little.

Xu Zhitong wasn’t annoyed at all. In fact, she looked rather pleased as she asked, “Then are you going back to the study to use the computer? I’ll move a chair and sit next to you too...”

“...No need,” Lin Yang thought. How was she supposed to know the computer password? “You watch TV for a while. I’m going out for a bit.”

Before she had even taken a step back, Xu Zhitong immediately stood up and grabbed her wrist.

She blinked anxiously. “Where are you going? I’ll go with you.”

Lin Yang didn’t answer right away, and Xu Zhitong leaned in closer, speaking quickly. “If it’s troublesome, then let’s not livestream for now. Like you said, I can send some voice messages to the group and make it clear it’s me asking for leave, right? Anyway, I’ve never streamed before; what if I mess it up and people find out I’ve lost my memory? Wouldn’t that be even more troublesome?”

Too sharp. Lin Yang drew in a quiet breath and said evenly, “What are you talking about? Who said livestreaming would be troublesome for you?”

Xu Zhitong fell silent, staring at Lin Yang with a trace of doubt and unease in her eyes.

Lin Yang explained, “I’m going back to my place to get some things. It’s in the same neighborhood as yours, right next door. It’ll only take a little over ten minutes; I’ll be back soon.”

“Oh, oh, oh!” Xu Zhitong’s eyes lit up.

She had nearly scared herself to death.

After such a relaxed meal, Xu Zhitong kept feeling like she had just said something that had somehow upset Lin Yang.

It was only a hunch, but thinking about how she had been fighting and giving Lin Yang the cold shoulder before her accident, she couldn’t help feeling panicked, afraid that her amnesiac self would repeat the same mistakes.

But Lin Yang said she was going back to get some things from her place.

After all, Lin Yang must have lived with her before. There was no way her pre-amnesia self had somehow fixed that dogshit temper of hers and fought with Lin Yang for some still-unknown reason, making Lin Yang move out and stay cold to her for so long.

Probably Lin Yang had seen how pitiful she was after losing her memory, so she decided to move back in and take care of her.

Xu Zhitong immediately said sweetly, “Then bring the things you live with back home, too. Stay here tonight; I’d be scared if I were alone at home.”

Lin Yang paused and glanced toward the guest room.

Xu Zhitong promptly added, “You can stay in the guest room. It’s been cleaned up pretty well anyway.”

That was fine. She wasn’t in a hurry to sleep in the same bed as Lin Yang.

First, she had to coax her back home.

Besides, she didn’t know how to do anything yet.

Lin Yang sighed. “Alright. Let go of me. Don’t you want me to finish packing sooner and come back sooner?”

Xu Zhitong obediently let go and followed step by step as Lin Yang walked to the door.

“You won’t disappear, will you?” Xu Zhitong asked uneasily as she watched Lin Yang reach for the doorknob. “How about we stay on the phone? You’re not going to be gone long anyway, right?”

Lin Yang said, “...There’s no signal in the elevator.”

There actually was signal, but Xu Zhitong naturally didn’t know that. Disappointed, she said, “Fine. Then come back quickly.”

She looked like a poor dog who hated seeing its owner leave but had been forced to stay home.

Lin Yang almost wanted to take Xu Zhitong with her.

But of course that wouldn’t do; the home she had in this neighborhood was not something Xu Zhitong could see.

Lin Yang waved, promised again that she’d be back soon, and left after closing the door.

It wasn’t until she stepped into the elevator and the doors shut that Lin Yang finally let out a breath.

Weary, she leaned against the mirrored wall, pressed her fingers to the bridge of her nose, and lowered her head to look at her toes pressed together.

This can’t go on.

Lin Yang thought. This absolutely can’t go on.

It had been too long since she’d spent time and chatted with Xu Zhitong like this. In fact, it had been too long since she’d spent time and chatted this closely with anyone at all.

This level of intimacy, this excessive exposure—even if it was only exposure to her own instinctive reactions—made Lin Yang deeply uncomfortable.

She was mentally eight years older than the amnesiac Xu Zhitong.

She should forcefully help Xu Zhitong tell her mothers that she had lost her memory and needed her family to know and take care of her.

She should also firmly support Xu Zhitong’s livestreaming.

Even though she didn’t want to. She didn’t want anyone to take even a sliver of Xu Zhitong’s attention or closeness away from her, even if that no longer belonged to her.

Lin Yang walked out of the elevator with a calm expression, the tips of her artificial nails pressing hard into her palm until faint white marks appeared.

The pain cleared her head a little.

Xu Zhitong couldn’t avoid contact with anything from before her memory loss forever, especially livestreaming.

The sword of Damocles hanging over them would eventually fall.

Lin Yang closed her eyes, gave up resisting, and returned home to pack a few sets of clothes and daily necessities into a suitcase.

Just as she was about to close it, her phone rang a few times; Xu Zhitong had sent her a WeChat message.

[ZZZ: Heeeey, how’s the packing going?]

[ZZZ: [leaning in.JPG]]

[ZZZ: [waiting for you.JPG]]

[ZZZ: [holding on.JPG]]

Who knew where she’d found such a set of emojis: a blue doodle of a big-eyed puppy with tears in its eyes and a wagging tail.

Very much like Xu Zhitong.

Lin Yang looked at the three stickers and couldn’t help smiling.

[Y: [picture]]

[Y: Coming back soon.]

[ZZZ: [puppy heart eyes.JPG]]

[ZZZ: Why so little? Pack more, pack more.]

[ZZZ: I’m not in a hurry!]

Lin Yang only took that as her saying one thing and meaning another. She closed the suitcase. It really wasn’t large; that was more or less comfort to herself.

As long as she didn’t bring too many things, then when the truth came out, or when she finally made up her mind to confess, leaving wouldn’t be too awkward.

When she got back to Xu Zhitong’s place, she first took Xu Zhitong’s spare access card from the entryway, then swiped herself in naturally.

As soon as she opened the door, she saw Xu Zhitong sitting not far from the entryway.

“You’re back!”

As clingy as ever, Xu Zhitong happily welcomed Lin Yang back, then looked at the suitcase and even tried lifting it. “Why didn’t you bring more stuff back?”

Packing so little—was she planning to run away again at any moment?

Lin Yang didn’t follow her logic and simply said, “It’s very close. This is enough.”

Xu Zhitong: “Alright then...”

She was blocked from entering the guest room, so Lin Yang closed the door and unpacked. Xu Zhitong had no choice but to return to the sofa and sit down, letting the news keep playing in the background while her eyes kept drifting toward the guest room door.

About ten minutes later, Lin Yang came out with her tablet.

Xu Zhitong was sitting dead center on the sofa; her gaze followed Lin Yang as she moved, and when Lin Yang sat down beside her, she scooted closer as well.

She hugged a cushion and pulled the other side of the thin blanket over, covering both their legs.

“I’m watching the news,” Xu Zhitong reported.

Lin Yang covered herself with the thin blanket and smiled. “Mm, go ahead.”

She opened the tablet, propped up the keyboard, thought for a moment, and started typing.

Her artificial nails tapped against the very thin tablet keyboard, making a crisp, faintly rhythmic ticking sound.

Listening to it, Xu Zhitong drew her legs up, curled into the corner of the sofa, and tore open a packet of seaweed from the coffee table to eat.

The curve of the sofa was very comfortable; it was her comfort zone.

Xu Zhitong thought slowly, This feels so happy.

A night after dinner, in their home, she was snacking and watching TV while Lin Yang sat beside her writing up a livestream script.

Such a happy, warm life.

So even if Xu Zhitong’s memories of the past few years were a complete blank, and she had almost no idea what she should do in the future...

She still wouldn’t be too afraid.

Lin Yang was by her side, and would keep accompanying her. That realization gave Xu Zhitong a very strong sense of security.

That feeling did not come from the memories of her seventeen-year-old self.

It could only have come from the subconscious of her twenty-five-year-old self.

Xu Zhitong thought that before she lost her memory, before she fought with Lin Yang, the time they had spent living together in this room must have been very, very happy.

Like ordinary couples, the kind who were certain of their happiness.

Just like when, back when she was little and her mom and mommy were both too busy with work, in the home she had as a middle-schooler, after dinner and once the dining room had been cleaned up, the family of three would sit in the living room like this.

Her mom liked reading in the single armchair; mommy would lie on the longest sofa watching TV dramas and occasionally talk to her mom about the plot.

Xu Zhitong would loiter on the floor beside the sofa, sitting cross-legged and pretending to watch the drama too. Unfortunately, after an hour or two, her mom and mommy would usually shoo her back to her room to do her homework.

As she thought this far, Xu Zhitong suddenly felt a little uneasy.

She tugged at the thin blanket and glanced at Lin Yang beside her.

Lin Yang was still typing seriously. She had turned on the floor lamp on that side, and the light gathered on the smooth lines of her profile, even the shadow along the bridge of her nose looking especially attractive.

Their legs were covered by the same thin blanket; it was the one Lin Yang had used during her midday nap, faintly scented with Lin Yang’s clean smell.

Xu Zhitong remembered the things she had secretly looked up on her phone when Lin Yang had gone out earlier.

After all, it was better to be safe than sorry.

This sofa was pretty soft, and wide too; by eye, two people could lie down side by side.

Lin Yang must like this sofa too. When she napped on it at noon, she fell asleep very quickly.

The Xu Zhitong before the accident and Lin Yang were a cohabiting couple; they must have done many adult things on this sofa.

At the very least, when they watched TV, they wouldn’t sit as neatly and carefully as she and Lin Yang were doing now.

Lin Yang had even moved back in, so was she already not angry anymore? Even if she hadn’t brought back that many things.

The mistakes the pre-amnesia Xu Zhitong had made had nothing to do with the amnesiac Xu Zhitong. She couldn’t be held jointly responsible!

So if she moved a little closer to Lin Yang now, would that seem natural?

The more Xu Zhitong thought about it, the farther off-track her thoughts went. Silently, she reached out and patted her own face.

But even her hand smelled like the hand cream Lin Yang had given her.

She was covered head to toe in Lin Yang’s scent.

Xu Zhitong felt dizzy.

Author’s Note:

That dog emoji.JPG

TL Note:

"bullet comments" (弹幕) = live comments that scroll across the screen during a stream; I think this originated from "danmaku" in japanese streams.

"voice room" (语音厅) = an audio-only livestream room where the host chats with viewers without showing video.